my life...unplugged

Feeling a little better. :)

2009-11-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

Although I've probably jinxed myself for just typing that. I got most of the house (still avoiding that darn kitchen) cleaned up, and the kids ready for the day. Hormones seem to be mellowing out. Maybe I'll do laundry and shower this afternoon. (Although that's probably wishful thinking with the mood I've been in today). :)

So I'm already stressing about baby names. It always takes me way to long to figure out what I like and what fits. And I'm strangely concerned with what other people think. Although in the end I'll name the kid what I like regardless of other people's opinions. And actually, I think I'm fairly settled on a boy name. Not sure on the girl names. But the middle name will either be Marie (like me, Payson, my mom, and my sisters), Beth (after my mom), or Joyce (after my grandmother. Anyway, any opinions or suggestions?

Not a great week.

2009-11-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

I need to vent. Because I'm alone and there's no one here to vent to. So you get it. Sorry.

Jason is gone this week. He won't be home until the end of next week. My house is a mess. Well, that's not entirely accurate. The mess is mostly contained to the kitchen. But it's starting to smell. And the smell makes me nauseous. So I'm avoiding cleaning it. Jack has been a seriously pill lately. Biting, hitting, attitude. I'm ready to give him away. Any takers? I'm exhausted. I can't get enough sleep. But when I sleep I have BIZARRE dreams! I woke up so many times last night, seriously disturbed by these strange dreams. I hate that about pregnancy. I haven't worked out (well, except once) this week. I'm just too tired. And lazy. And I've eaten crap all week. So now I feel even more like crap. I'm completely off of my routine. The routine that keeps my anxiety in check and keeps me sane. And I can tell the kids are missing the structure. I cried myself to sleep last night. Mostly hormones. I hate hormones. And I'll admit that I've only showered once this week. Ew. And I just pulled my hair back and threw my sweats back on. I hate this week. I want it to be over. I want to feel normal again. Someone come fix me.

Weekly Weigh In - 6 Weeks

2009-11-10T07:57:00.000-08:00

So I guess this week would be week seven if I kept going from where I left off. But I lost track. And things have changed anyway, so I'm going with pregnancy weeks now. :)

I have not lost any more weight. Or gained either. Which is great!! But also a little bit of a bummer. I mean, I know it's healthy, but it's frustrating to unexpectedly not be able to lose weight anymore. But oh well. I just have to remind myself that I can use the next several months to ingrain healthy habits into my brain so that once this baby is here it is super easy to drop all these extra pounds!!

It's sad to say, but at my heaviest weight I was considered obese. Yuck!! I hate thinking about that. However, now, I'm just overweight. Which stinks, but whatever. It's better than obese. Anyway, for overweight women, healthy weight gain throughout pregnancy would fall between 15 and 25 pounds. So that's what I'm aiming for. I'm going to try to gain as little as possible, as far as I feel okay, the baby is healthy, and my midwife is happy with my progress. I don't know what exact number that will be, but I'm just planning to play it by ear. For now, the goal is to not gain any weight during the first trimester. And less than a pound a week after that. Again, so long as it's healthy.

I'm learning to listen to my body better. I start to feel weak and get light headed if I haven't gotten enough. And I have to be better about not letting myself get to that point. It's funny because I'll eat what I think is plenty and then my body will let me know otherwise. It's sort of a strange feeling, not having control anymore.

I'm eating basically the same as before. Although I eat a little more. I get queasy and weak if I go too long without eating so I've added an additional healthy snack to my day. And I usually have a little extra for breakfast. Like an extra piece of whole wheat toast with a tablespoon of peanut butter or a larger smoothie or extra piece of fruit. I'm usually super hungry first thing in the morning. But I'm trying to make sure every additional calorie is a healthy additional calorie.

And as far as working out goes, I've had to stop Bootcamp. I'm looking forward to getting back to it once I get the okay from the midwives after baby comes. But in the mean time I ordered Lindsay's pregnancy dvds (found here) and they came last weekend. I'm starting the first trimester workout today. Can't wait!! And on top of that I'll do cardio 5-6 days a week. An hour on days I don't do the video, and about 30 minutes when I do.

But like I said before, I'm learning to listen to my body. Like last Saturday I was feeling EXHAUSTED and didn't want to workout. I thought it was just psychological and pushed myself to workout anyway. You know, some days you just feel lazy, but once you make yourself DO IT you feel great!! It did feel good, but I was wiped out the rest of the day. I realized that my body was telling me it needed a break and that I should have listened. So yesterday I took the day off. Much needed!! And today I feel better. Much better. (Aside from wanting to curl back up in bed because the kids woke up a few times last night so I didn't get a great night's sleep). :(

I realized over the weekend how much of a learning process living healthy is for me. I don't think it'll ever be easy. I think it will always take effort for me. I'm sure it will get easier as I go, but it will always be work. Which is good. Work is something I have never been great at and I'm learning to be better. But one day I'll have reached my goal and will get to keep on learning while enjoying the results of all of this work. :)

And there is a lot of fun that comes along with it! Like cooking! I've never loved to cook. When Jason and I were first married, I didn't have a lot of recipes, so we ate the same things every week. That was boring to me. And all of the recipes I had included sour cream, cheese, cream of mushroom or chicken soup, etc. Fatty, creamy, yummy, but disgusting. And I hate doing dishes. So cooking was not so much fun. Now I'm finding all kinds of simple, yummy, quick, healthy and delicious recipes online! I love trying new things! It makes the cooking fun for me. I enjoy it! And because we try a new recipe or two each week it keeps things interesting. We repeat the things we really like or things we haven't had in a long time and we never get bored. Yes, it takes planning and preparation, but I rarely find myself wondering what's for dinner at 5 and stressing to figure out what to make. And there are usually leftovers, so I can take a night or two off and just have that. PLUS, it makes the occasional take out night even more fun, since it's a rare treat instead of the normal once or twice a week.

Anyway, I'm rambling on and on about stuff that I'm sure no one else really cares too much about. So instead I'll bore you for a minute with some complaints!! :)

MY BOOBS ARE KILLING ME!! Seriously, I don't remember them hurting this much the first two pregnancies! A good supportive sports bra helps, but I can't figure out how to wear it with the g's. Over? Under? It just doesn't work. Ugh.

And the bloating and gas cramps! Ugh. Ugh, ugh, UGH!! I mean, not gas like passing gas all the time, but like pointless gas bubbles in my abdomen that just cause pain. And the bloating is just annoying. I'm not showing this early, of course, but my pants, which have just started to fit well again from the weight loss, fit snug on the days that I'm bloated. YUCK. Those are the days I wear my sweat pants and cry. And has anyone else had ligament pain this early in a pregnancy? I don't remember feeling those tugs and stretching until way later on. Should I be worried??

Oh, and have I mentioned how tired I am? All. The. Time. I get up at 5 most day, but I crash around 1 or 2. Which, thank heavens, is when Payson is at school (3 days a week) and Jack takes his nap. So I take a nap too. And then I'm still out by 8 or 9 at night. The most frustrating part about that is that that nap time is when I usually get things done! Like primary stuff, or cleaning the house, or whatever else. I have to take advantage of the nap, but I feel like I'm not getting anything done because of lost too many precious hours of my day! So if I have something I promised you I'd get to or if I'm supposed to call you back, please excuse me. I was probably sleeping instead of getting it done.

Although, I really shouldn't complain about those little things. So far, I've gotten nauseous on occasion and sick only a few times. (Knock on wood). I'm hoping it stays that way. And to be honest, I would gladly keep all these other darn symptoms if it meant keeping the morning sickness at bay. I'd take just about ANYTHING over being sick. I hate throwing up. Ew.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm off to throw on my sweats and brush my teeth and take the kiddos to playgroup. Maybe I'll curl up on the floor while the kids play instead of socializing with the other moms. (Can you believe I'm literally ready for a nap at nine in the morning?!)

The Kind of Mother I Want to Be

2009-11-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

We all get loads of email forwards. Some are funny, some are political, some are ridiculous, and some are inspiring. Even those that fascinate me rarely leave my inbox. I just don't take the time to forward them. However, I felt the need to share this one. I do not know who the original author is or where it came from. For all I know it could be fabricated (although I highly doubt that). Regardless, it touched me and I'd like to share it with you.

This week, at the front desk of one of the leading hair salons in Los Angeles, People Magazine was being shared by a handful of women all marveling at the poise and strength of the 21-year old cover girl, Elizabeth Smart. Just a week ago, Smart finally faced the man who violently changed her life and robbed her of her youth. Defendant Brian David Mitchell, appearing in U.S. District Court, sat in shackles opposite Smart. Ultimately Mitchell was banned from the courtroom for being disruptive, and was reduced to viewing the proceedings via closed circuit TV.
It is no surprise that magazine readers, particularly women, have been shocked and horrified by Elizabeth Smart's unveiling of her true nightmare. The women present this week at Allen Edwards Salon in Encino, California could only shake their heads and praise her for her courage, for her steely commitment to holding Mitchell accountable, and her equal resolve to be defined by all that she is, not what she has lost.
About a year ago, my then 11-year old daughter had the opportunity of being in a Sunday School class of young women taught by Elizabeth Smart, in a Salt Lake City congregation of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The subject of Smart's lesson was how to "put your trust in God when there is nothing else you can count on." Elizabeth Smart shared with the young girls, who knew her sheer presence was a miracle, that they could survive anything if they would just understand who they were in the eyes of God.
Some skeptics in the world might brush aside such a message as sort of a lovely evangelical band-aid. If you were eleven and seated in front of the statuesque, unspotted, quietly fierce Elizabeth Smart, no more believable testimony could ever be given.
In recent weeks the media has been full of praise for Elizabeth Smart. Earlier, however, the media often questioned her courage. Why hadn't she run? Or escaped? Or screamed? Or fought back? Interviewers and reporters and anchors filled news minutes with speculation. For years. When Smart did agree to interviews, she fought off the most pressing questions, creating even more wonder.
On October 2nd, in a Salt Lake City courtroom, in a time and place of her choosing, Elizabeth Smart quietly but confidently silenced all speculators. She revealed a tale of pre-meditated viciousness and abuse that almost no woman could survive, intact.
How did a 14- year old survive such a crime, you might ask?
Because of her mother.
Several days after her kidnapping, after her father had already poured out his soul to the unknown kidnappers and sobbed for his daughter's return, Elizabeth's mother, Lois Smart, stepped in front of the microphone. She seemed so bereft that she could barely lift her face to the cameras for early morning television. I remember Mrs. Smart calling out to Elizabeth, hoping somehow she could hear. Lois Smart challenged Elizabeth, wherever she might be, to remember her great- grandmother, a Mormon pioneer, who had crossed the Great Plains. Lois Smart reminded Elizabeth that her great- grandmother had known many hardships, but had always endured, and that Elizabeth could do the same.
Elizabeth Smart has reported that the "mentally-deficient" Brian David Mitchell had acquired a small TV or radio to track the news media coverage following the abduction. Whether Elizabeth ever actually heard her mother, it is hard to know. However, as a mother of a daughter who also has a great- grandmother who forged her way across the plains with the Mormon pioneers, I know that it is likely Elizabeth knew the story well. It had been shared with her by her mother and father many times. She also knew what it said about the women who are part of the long line of Smarts.
As someone who shares the Smart family's religious convictions, I can't help but believe that Elizabeth Smart was able to survive months of captivity and sexual abuse because at 14, she already knew exactly who she was. All of her life she had been taught that she was a daughter of God and that nothing, and no one, could ever change that. She knew that her mother knew. She knew that her grandmother knew. She knew that her great grandmother had known too that she could endure virtually anything, trusting that her Father in Heaven was watching over her.
The answer to the question in everyone's mind about Elizabeth Smart is simple. Elizabeth survived by showing the kind of courage that she had always been taught was there.
That is how the witnesses and national cameras cannot ignore that Elizabeth Smart is still a young woman with a rich life ahead of her.
A beautiful, courageous 21 year old, and a presence whom six young girls in a Sunday School class will remember the rest of their lives.

My thoughts while reading this were not of how I might have handled the events Elizabeth Smart did, although those thoughts have crossed my mind. Today I thought of my children. And my own strength as a mother. I hope that I will someday be the kind of mother who has taught that indescribably important lesson to her children. If at the end of my life I can not say that I did all in my power to teach my children to KNOW who they are, to know, as stated in this email that they are "a daughter (or son) of God and that nothing, and no one, could ever change that...and that she (or he) could endure virtually anything, trusting that her (or his) Father in Heaven was watching over her (or him)", well then, my life would not have been well spent.

Thoughts like this can be discouraging. I could look at it and fear all the work I have to do to become that kind of mother. I could realize that I may fail and give up. Or I can realize who I am and I can trust that if I put every ounce of faith in my Heavenly Father, He will guide me in teaching my children and instilling in them strong, solid, enduring testimonies, like this young woman's.

That's the kind of mother I want to be.

Ralls Family Halloween 2009 Extravaganza!!

2009-11-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Halloween all month long this year! We started out picking out pumpkins from the local "pumpkin patch" (aka Smith's Grocery Store). The kids wanted to color their pumpkins with Daddy one night. So we let them.

The city had a big Halloween activity one night. A street downtown was blocked off for the party. The kids got all dressed up. My Dorothy and Scarecrow:

They had a few games for the kids, like a bean bag toss, a golfing game, and a few others. There were prizes (i.e., spider rings and Halloween pencils) at each activity. They also had pumpkin carving and costume contests.

Then there was a trunk of treat. That's what we were really there for. :) Local business hand out candy for the kiddos and fliers, ads, and coupons for the parents. Free advertising for them, free candy and entertainment for us. The last trunk was the "Mystery Machine" van! The kids LOVE Scooby Doo lately, so they were super excited for that one! They couldn't have cared less about Shaggy or Velma or anyone else. They just wanted to meet Scooby. I tried to get a picture, but Jack took his candy and was done. :)

Later on in the month the kids and I carved our pumpkin. Guess what they picked.

For our weekly story time at the library the kids wore costumes and made these little ghost pouches. Then they trick-or-treated all the librarians.

A favorite tradition of ours is going to Cornbelly's at Thanksgiving Point in Utah. The kids have loved going with their aunts every year. We took Madie and Maren and Maren's friend Erin.

Jack rode on this little toy while the other kids played on the giant jumping pillow:

The raced on the slides. Maren won:

There was a new little 3D fun house. I made the kids all pose in their super awesome glasses.

We went for a couple of rides. The first was cows cars pulled by tractors, the second just little carts behind a tractor. Big hit with the kiddos.

The kids spent some time in jail:

Madie and Erin made it through the haunted monster with no problem, but Maren has cried every year. This year I made her go through with me. She freaked out a little and clung to me as if I she might die if she let go, but she made it through AND there were no tears!!

The corn box is always a favorite. We took turns burying everyone from the neck down. We came home with corn in our underwear.

The kids dressed up in the little Pumpkin Princess Village. Jack showed us his muscles:

And finally we stopped to take a picture on the giant rocking chair:

Then Halloween Day we met a few of my hair school friends for a brunch at IHOP. I'm lame and didn't take my camera. :( Then we hopped onto Grandpa's trailer and her pulled us around the neighborhood behind his 4-wheeler for some serious trick0-or-treating!! The kids scored loads of sugar. I ate way more of it than I should have. The last stop of the night is always the Carroll's. Instead of candy, they always have homemade donuts and hot chocolate. They moved this year, but came back to a neighbor's house just for us!! LOVE them!!

Then it was back to Grandma's for Taco Soup, cookies, candy, a nice warm bath, and BED!!

Hope you all had as much fun as we did!! Until next year!

Scrawny Chef

2009-10-28T12:45:00.001-07:00

Remember that recipe blog I started a while back? Well, I was asked to start posting pictures with my recipes, which I had been thinking about doing but somehow talked myself out of. I have a cruddy little point and shoot digital camera. I have no artist photography ability at all. And I always forget. But the last week I decided that I don't care and I've remembered! So go check out Scrawny Chef because I just posted 6 new recipes with photos!! The previous 34 or so recipes will just have to wait until I get around to making them again because I'm not going to sit around making each of them simply to post the photo. Sorry. :) Anyway, go check it out and if you try something let me know what you thought or how it turned out!! And remember: Photos may be blurry or shadowed or grainy or just plain bad. View at your own risk.

I'm not good at keeping secrets.

2009-10-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

And I've kept this one for 2 whole days now. Well, that's really not true. I told way too many people even though I told myself I wasn't going to. So, in case you weren't one of those, here you go:

Baby Ralls #3 is on its way!!

Surprised?! So was I! Not planned, but we're super excited!! I'm BARELY pregnant. Only 4 weeks. I know it's ridiculous that I'm already telling everyone this early, but that's me! I'm due July 6th. The plan is not to find out the gender (although the plan was also not to tell anyone until we were further along). And so far, other than being super tired and my boobs killing me, I feel great! Crossing my fingers that morning sickness doesn't strike.

I just found out yesterday and had to send Jason a picture message of the test. He was just as shocked and just as excited.

And this means that I won't be trying to lose weight any longer. However, my plan is to stick to my workouts for now and then adjust them as the belly grows, and to continue eating how I am now, other than adding that 200-300 calories. The goal is to gain about 15 pounds with this pregnancy (which is healthy when you're already overweight). I plan to keep up with my weekly weigh ins, things will just be a little different now.

Anyway, I just got home from a late stake leadership primary meeting and got the kids to bed and I AM BEAT!! So goodnight!!

Weekly Weigh In - Week 5 and Halloween

2009-10-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

This week was a tad stressful, for multiple reasons. There was the primary program, Jason left for work again for his two week stint, the weather was changing so of course the kids were acting up all week, and some other random things here and there. Plus, I don't think I've gotten around to cleaning my house in three weeks. My floors are gross.

Remember how I was going to splurge last Monday? It was heaven! So needed! I ordered way more than I could eat. And it was delicious!! My kids got the leftovers for lunch the next day. And I managed to only gain 1/2 a pound. (By the way, Jack just walked up to me with two pens shoved up his nose...boys.)

After my little splurge night I got right back on track and did pretty well all week. I tried some new recipes (which I'll be posting on my recipe blog as soon as I upload the photos of them!) and I did the 2nd week workout on the 12 week program I'm doing. It was rough! It was kickboxing and, for me, it was HARD! I told Jason that I was super happy to be done with it and then I realized that later on in the program it will come back to find me, alongside even more toughness. I think I'll cry that day.

Saturday was hard. We had a pizza party with the kids after the program practice. I figured I'd eat super healthy all day, but allow myself two slices of pizza. I packed carrot sticks to eat alongside my pizza. But pizza is a weakness of mine. I was starving and I just couldn't stop myself! I ended up eating 2 1/2 slices and 1/2 of Jack's yummy frosted sugar cookie. I gained another 1/2 pound, but it was totally worth it! As long as I don't eat like that too often I figure I can't be too upset with myself.

So this morning the verdict was 3.2 pounds this week! Yay! I'm at 168 pounds even. My BMI is now at 27.1, not great yet, but on it's way down! I've lost a total of 14 pounds in 34 days. Of course I'd love to be losing the weight faster, but I really can't complain. I'm losing. And at a healthy pace. And that's what really matters. I'm not going to lie and pretend that I don't wish it would all just fall off on its own. Because the truth is, I'd love to be skinny and fit right now. But my ultimate goal is health and I know that the end result of this long process will be that much more rewarding because I worked so hard for it.

Today starts week 3 of my workout program. I watched the workout (in fast forward mode) the other night and it looks like fun! Although super tough. Lots of push ups. Yuck. But hopefully I'll have a super toned chest and arms by the end of this week!! Wish me luck with that!

I'm actually really excited for this whole week. The weekend was busy, but lonely because Jason was gone and as busy as we were, we weren't as busy as we normally are during the week. (Which would make one wonder why I didn't clean my house...well, because I was lazy is the true answer to that question). But this week we're carving pumpkins, Payson has ballet, the kids have playgroup, and Payson has preschool (it got canceled last week because her teacher, who happens to be my friend and second counselor in the primary, her husband got swine flu and she runs the preschool out of her home, so she had to cancel until he recovered and disinfected her house). On Wednesday night there are a couple of fun Halloween specials on tv. The kids and I decided we'll do baths and scriptures and everything early that night so that we can pop some kettle corn (healthier!) and curl up in mom's bed to watch the shows. I love snuggling up with those two super cute babies!! On Thursday the kids get to wear their costumes to library story time and Payson gets to wear hers again to preschool.

And then we're headed to Grandma's house in Utah for the weekend!! I love our little Halloween traditions at my parents' house. The kids love ringing Grandma's doorbell and trick or treating. She makes a big deal about their costumes (even though she's already seen them) and gives them extra candy. She always makes Taco Soup with all the good stuff (sour cream, cheese, avocado) and she also makes Hershey Kiss Cookies and has it all waiting for us when we get home all cold and ready to be warmed up from trick or treating. And my dad hooks his trailer up to the four wheeler, we throw blankets in the back, and he drives us around the neighborhood instead of walking from house to house. Lazy, I know. But really fun!! The kids can't wait! And they especially love getting to trick or treat with their Aunt Madie and Aunt Maren and all the girls' friends. And I'm sure Uncle Devin and Uncle Brennan will drop by too. LOVE my family!! We also plan to go to Cornbelly's at Thanksgiving Point, which we have done every year since Payson was tiny and they can not wait!

I'll have LOTS of pictures to post when I get back! I think I'm just about as excited as the kids are. :) Although I'm a little nervous about all that good food and candy. It's always harder to eat healthy when I'm not at home to cook for myself and I don't have all that candy sitting out screaming at me. So wish me luck with that this weekend too!! Hope you all have a great Halloween week!!

Because I know you're all just DYING to know...

2009-10-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

It's over. And I can breathe again. :)

We had our Primary Sacrament Meeting Presentation practice yesterday. It was a NIGHTMARE. I had expected it to be rough, but not like that.

There was a mother in tears physically wrestling her son. She's one of our teachers and two of her boys happen to be the most difficult in our primary. She finally told me that she didn't think this was working out and they didn't show up this morning.

A little boy told me he had to throw up right in the middle of the practice. So of course I grabbed a garbage can and held it under his face while running him into the bathroom. Then, once in the stall he made a pathetic puking sound and came out in less than a second. I asked him if he needed to throw up and he told me he did. When I told him there was nothing in the toilet he told me that it was invisible. Then he asked me not to call his mom because he didn't want to get into trouble.

And then there was the usual. Kids were rowdy. No one was paying attention. I couldn't get an accurate time for how long the program would run, in case we needed to add or cut anything. It was loud. The kids seemed not to know the words to half the songs.

I literally had nightmares all night last night. Did not sleep well.

Then I woke up late this morning, rushed to get the three of us fed and ready, dropped the kids off at my second counselor's house, and then hurried to ward counsel. After ward counsel, my counselors (and the kids) met me at church and we rushed to set the extra chairs and things on the stand (we have a HUGE primary) as well as tape name tags on each chair so the kids would know where to sit.

Oh! And in the 24 hours between our practice and sacrament meeting this morning about 1/3 (yep, one third) of our primary called because they were sick and not going to make it. We've had mono, swine flu, another stomach bug, and a serious cold going around our community like crazy!

So once we were set up, I scrambled to catch each of our primary teachers and let them know what to do with the parts of the kids who weren't there.

Finally I got Jack settled with one of the AWESOME young women in our ward who had volunteered to take care of him for me through the meeting.

And then I sat down to wait.

I knew it would turn out just fine. But I never expected that it would turn out INCREDIBLE. There was such an amazing spirit throughout the meeting. I cried through most of it. And then again as I attempted to tell the kids how proud I was of them when we were back in primary.

Those children have such pure testimonies. And when they sang that sacred music I heard angels of the Lord singing alongside them. It was so beautiful!

I love this year's theme for Primary. I love teaching His children that families are eternal and the importance of families. As overwhelmed as I have been by this calling, I am SO SO SO grateful for it! I have so much to learn from these children, our Heavenly Father's children. This is such a wonderful church. It really is His church, His gospel. And I love it with all my heart!

Weekly Weigh In - Week 4

2009-10-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I lost about a pound. I weighed 171.2 lbs this morning. I'm telling myself two things. One, I have a new scale, so maybe the two scales were just off from each other a little, so I'm not seeing perfectly accurate results. (Although my new scale is pretty awesome. I made Jason help me take it out of all the packaging, get it all programmed, and then I played around with it for a few minutes there in the store to be sure it was what I wanted before buying it). :) And the second thing is that maybe because I've bumped up my workouts I'm gaining muscle? I'm hoping it's both. :)

One to two pounds n a week is good. It's healthy. But I'm still bummed. I'm not gonna lie, I like seeing a bigger loss on the scale. It's really motivating to see results. But numbers aside, I'm fitting into a smaller pants size. So that's progress! I still have a long ways to go, but I'm headed in the right direction and that's what really matters.

I plan on letting myself splurge a little tonight. I made this decision last night before I knew today's numbers so that it wasn't a choice based on emotions. I didn't want to do it because I was all bummed out. I think I've been a little too hard on myself this week. I worked really hard! I ate healthy. I cooked every night (aside from leftovers night). And I worked out six days this week, some days twice in a day! So we're going to a local Mexican restaurant for dinner tonight and I'm getting whatever sounds delicious. I could try to get a more healthy option, but I just don't think I should have to do that ALL the time. So I'm eating great today, splurging on some yummy chips and salsa and guac and something cheesy and fatty and delicious tonight, and then back at it tomorrow. Because splurging a little here and there makes it feel less restrictive and is just more fun!

I'm sure I'll have a stomachache after dinner. And I'm sure I'll step on the scale in the morning and have a gain. But I don't care because I have until Monday to lose it and worry about the numbers, right?!

As for goals, well, I'm doing good with the ones I have. I would set more this week, but I have too much going on with kids' well check appointments, visiting teaching, house cleaning, cooking, dishes, and other household chores, ballet, playgroup, library story time, preschool, Jason being gone, our primary program practice on Saturday, and the program this Sunday. So I'm just keeping up with the ones I have. My big goal this week is simply to stay on top of my workouts and eating while surviving life in the meantime! Hopefully I don't die doing it all. :) I really am SuperMom, aren't I?! Ha ha ha ha ha!! (Really, in case you don't catch the sarcasm there, just note that it will not all get done, something will slip through the cracks, I'll probably call Jason crying that I just can't do it 2-3 times this week, and my guess is that the kids will get yelled at more than they deserve simply because Mom is too tired to try real discipline.)

Argh!!

2009-10-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

So because of my anxiety I function best following strict routines. Some of them are silly. But they help me feel better. They give me a strange and calming sense of control. I'm going to share one of them with you. By sharing this with you, I am revealing to you how truly neurotic I am.

So each morning, my alarm goes off at 5:00 am. I roll over and turn it off. It goes off again at 5:15 am. This time I turn it off and get up. I'm not sure why, but that extra 15 minutes of sleep gets me up.

Anyway, I say my morning prayer and head straight to the bathroom to pee. I drink 96 ounces of water each day, so I always wake up with a very full bladder. I have to stop drinking at about 6pm to avoid waking up in the middle of the night to pee. (I'm sure this is WAY more than you wanted to know, but guess what. This is my blog and I can write what I want). :)

So I pee, then step on the scale in the nude. I know it probably sounds silly to some of you, but for me, this gets me the most accurate weight reading. I'm not so much concerned with the number on the scale. Just the difference in the current number and previous reading.

And for those of you who think that I shouldn't be weighing myself daily I think I've explained myself before. I am only allowed to get upset at the number on the scale on Monday morning. My weight difference from Monday to Monday is what counts. However, I like to track my weight daily to see how my eating that day affected it. I make myself aware that some days I'm eating a little less, some days a little more, and some days I intentionally splurge. On the days I splurge I like to see how much I really splurged. Or on Fast Sunday I like to see what kind of a difference that made. Even though it doesn't matter. Like I said, I'm neurotic.

The morning ritual goes as follows: Wake up, pray, pee, weigh in, get dressed in work out garb, make and eat breakfast, check blogs while I eat breakfast, read my scriptures, and then workout.

Why am I telling you all of this when you probably couldn't care less? Because:

So, as of Wednesday I was down to 170.5 lbs from Monday's 172. A whole pound and a half! I was actually really surprised by that since I've been at it for a few weeks now and I generally start to taper off to just a pound or two a week. I thought maybe because I had bumped up my workouts this week, that had been the difference. I didn't plan to continue that way for long, but it was exciting!

Because I had been doing so well early in the week, I didn't feel guilty for eating one of those ghost cookies Wednesday night for FHE. So when I had gained half a pound the next morning I knew that it was probably a result of the minor splurge the night before and it didn't bother me at all.

I ate really well and worked out hard that day. And woke up the next morning with another half pound gain. This time I was confused. I wouldn't have been surprised if the number had stayed the same, but I had actually gained weight. That didn't make sense to me with my workout and eating.

I decided not to let it bother me because it wasn't Monday. If Monday's number wasn't a reflection of my hard work I would just have to take a much closer look at things.

Then this morning, I woke up, prayed, peed, stepped on the scale in the buff, looked down to see the number...and it was blank. Stupid scale! I thought the battery must just be dead. It hadn't been replaced in over two years.

In case you were wondering, true love is running to the grocery store for a lithium battery for your neurotic wife at 5:30 am.

So Jason came home, changed the scale battery, and nothing. It wasn't the battery. Must be the scale. The thing may or may not be under warranty, but I have no clue what I did with the warranty and it wasn't that expensive anyway. So Jason ran back to the store and bought me a new scale. He really does love me. :)

So he brought home the new, more expensive scale. I read the little manual. This scale actually had a few added features. It was better than my old one! So I stepped on. 173.6 lbs. Huh? That can't be right! I didn't gain another 2 pounds in one day! I was really, really good! I even enjoyed a movie at the theater with my husband while he ate candy and popcorn and I chewed my gum!

Well, maybe there's just a difference in the scales and if I just weigh myself tomorrow morning I'll be down from this new number. Fine. I can live with that.

So, I took my hair out of my ponytail and took off my wedding ring and stepped back on the scale, just for fun. 172.4?! Now, my ring is beautiful, but it's not the hope diamond! Geez! It doesn't weigh an entire pound! (But can you imagine?!) :)

I put my hair back up and my ring back on and went back to the scale. 173.4 lbs. Stupid scale isn't even consistent. Different number every time I stepped on. I repackaged the scale. Jason's returning it later today.

So I have no idea how much I weigh today. Which isn't a huge deal. It just would have put my mind at ease because of the weird numbers earlier in the week. But I feel super off today. Like, it's already almost 10am and I haven't read my scriptures or worked out. I've been too busy looking up bathroom scales online.

Any suggestions? Anyone have anything they really like? Or know about a type that will give me an accurate, consistent reading? I want something nice, but I'm not willing to spend more than $50. (Although I'd really love to buy one of those industrial scales they have in doctors' offices for a few hundred!)

By the way, I'm not completely obsessed with my weight. I know it probably seems that way because I'm posting about it all the time and because, well, as you can see/read, I'm super neurotic. But I'm mostly normal. It's just a lot of hard work and I need to be very aware of my health in order to reach my goals. Just try not to judge me too harshly. :) Thanks!

Family Home Evening

2009-10-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

We try to do FHE on Monday nights, but because of Jason's work schedule it rarely works out that way. So last night we had Family Home Evening.

Our lesson was on Friendship. We talking about who some of our friends are (neighbor kids, school friends, family, and the Savior). We talked about Jesus' friends when he was on the earth. I told the kids the story of Jesus, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Then we talked about how Jesus treated his friends and how we can show our friends that we love them.

It was a short and simple lesson (just right for my 4 and 2 year olds). Afterwards, for our activity, we made Ghost Cookies. (Thanks for the cute idea Alli!!)

We made enough to take to a few of the kids' friends and some for the ladies I visit teach and the families Jason home teaches.

Our treat (which I'm sure was obvious) was Ghost cookies!! :) The kids had a blast! It was messy, but super fun. I love my family. My husband, my kids, my siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and everyone! I really think I'm the most blessed girl in the world when it comes to family. Can't get enough of them!!

Weekly Weigh In - Week 3 (ish, I'm switching days)

2009-10-12T06:08:00.000-07:00

A few things first.

1. Liz, get a blog. You always comment and I always want to comment back or something on a blog. Just do it. Because I said so. Or I'll start telling everyone about Dolly and Barbie Parton. Although, that could be embarrassing for me as well...

2. To everyone who is offended that I'm no longer your friend on facebook: It's not you. It's me. :) I got off of facebook a few weeks ago. Jason and I had been talking about it for a while, and then I read some articles in the Ensign that just made me realize that, FOR ME (not everyone), I needed to quit wasting my time on the internet. I needed to set limits for myself. And the best way for me to do that was to get off facebook. I spend way too much time as it is reading blogs and shopping online and doing internet banking. I just didn't need another reason to sit in front of my computer.

3. Thank you to everyone who commented on that last post! You're all so awesome. I tell Jason all the time, I really am so blessed with great friends. GREAT friends. Some of you are old friends from high school. We may not even have hung out much in high school, but through this weird and crazy blogging world, I feel like you're some of my best friends. Some of you are family. (Liz, seriously, get a blog). A few of you I haven't even met in person. Just through blogging. But I still feel like you're just as close as any friend of met in person. Some of you have know me since 6th grade. (Hey Jobes!) Or for forever! (Holla to Tiffany and Kimber!) (Yeah. I just said "holla". I'm seriously that awesome). But no matter who you are or how I know you, I love you all! And I really appreciate all the advice and support you give me. Losing weight is hard for me. I don't know how long it's going to take me. And I worry all the time that I'm going to give up again, even though I really, really, really want this. So your support means a whole lot! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

That said, I don't know why but I like having my weigh in day fall on Monday. I like it to be the beginning of a new week. And it will correspond with my new workout program. So I switched it. So this is technically Week 2 1/2, but I'm calling it week 3. Or it could be 1, because it's week 1 of my new "training program". Whatever.

Anyway, I did pretty darn good again this week. I like being home and sticking with my routine. It keeps things simple and simple is easy. I cooked delicious but healthy meals this week. And when I didn't have time to cook I had leftovers instead of fast food. And I treated myself twice. :) One night the kids and I made chocolate covered strawberries. Yum! But I only made 6. We each had two. If I had made more I would have eaten more. And then last night I made cookies for our primary teacher development meeting. I told myself I'd only eat two. But then I ate another 1 or 2 in cookie dough. :) It was delicious. (I used so much self control after that! I kept about half a dozen cookies for Jason and the kids and took the cookies left from the meeting to the Bishop.) But I can't let myself feel guilty for doing it once in a while. Because if I don't let myself slip up sometimes that would mean I'm on a diet. And this isn't a diet. This is me changing my habits and lifestyle. (Cliche, I know. But true!)

So I started out on Wednesday, September 23rd at 182 pounds. BMI was 29.4. As of this morning I'm at 172 pounds and BMI 27.8!! Yay!! I've lost 3 1/2 pounds this week and TEN overall!! Exciting number!! And in just 19 days!!

Aside from numbers, I'm starting to get back into the groove of waking up bright and early. It's HARD. But it works for me. It feels good to be up and productive so early in the morning. And I'm doing good with the rest of my goals. Water seems to be such a simple and awesome help for me! I have a water bottle that holds 32 ounces. I sip it throughout the day, during and between meals, and end up refilling it three times. I pee like a racehorse, but it helps keep me full and keeps me from snacking. And on the couple of days where I haven't had enough water to drink I get headaches. I'm getting in my calories and workouts, and although I ate leftovers one too many times last week, I'm planning to try a new recipe this week that I'm excited about. Moroccan Lentil Soup. In a crockpot. So it's simple and not too messy or time consuming. Plus it sounded delicious. And healthy. :) As for getting 8 hours of sleep, well, I really do need to work on that one. But sometimes it's out of my control. Kids wake up in the middle of the night on occasion. Or I just have to get something done that the kids didn't let me do during the day. Or, like last night, Jason was home and we went to bed at 9 but stayed up talking until after 10:30. I have, however, learned to stop drinking water around 6 so that I don't wake up at night to pee. :) But I'm working on the sleep thing. Although I think what's most important is that I'm' getting up at the same time each morning consistently. My sleep pattern was so off before the last few weeks and it feels good to have a more solid routine.

I'm adding a new goal to the mix this week. I'm starting a 12 week workout program. It's Lindsay Brin's Bootcamp 12 week program. A friend of mine used her program, along with running to lose her weight and get super fit (and keep it all off!) and I'm really excited about her workouts. Lindsay seems to really care about the results of the women who use her dvds. They're tough, but doable and I don't have to workout for 3 hours a day to feel like I got a great workout, which is so important for busy moms. :)

So I plan to follow Lindsay's program, working out three times a week for the full 12 weeks, and run at least 5 times a week. Although right now I only have my elliptical machine. So I'll do that until I get a treadmill. (Hopefully this week! But we'll see.)

Another question for you all: I have the money now to buy an inexpensive treadmill. You know, the cheap ones at walmart or wherever that don't have all the cool gadgets and are really noisy. So I could go get one this week and use it through the winter and then run outside when summer rolls around. Or I could stick with my elliptical until January when Jason gets a huge bonus and I could go buy a big fancy treadmill with the built in fans and programs and ipod docks and everything. Which would also be a MUCH higher quality treadmill. :) I'm anxious to start running now. I took your suggestions and looked at that Cool Runnings website. Their Couch to 5K program seemed like just the right thing for me. I can push myself without overdoing it and being able to run a 5K in just 9 weeks would be a GIANT accomplishment for me! So do I wait and go for high quality? Or start now before I lose my motivation (which hopefully wouldn't actually happen) and get something less expensive? Or maybe I should just grab the low quality one now, use it until January, and sell it for a portion of my money back on ksl or something?? I'm kind of liking that idea! :)

Help me!! Runners needed!!

2009-10-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

The "Fun Run" during gym in junior high. That's when my loathing for running began. I just didn't care and it was so frustrating that I was being forced. And timed. I didn't mind sports or other activities. But running just seemed boring.

So I haven't run in...a really, really long time. Really, really, really. Seriously. When I try, my joints hurt and my lungs burn and my boobs bounce (even with a supportive sports bra) and I just hate it! I don't mind that "feel good burn" of exercise. Sometimes it's hard to get motivated enough to start, but once I get going I like it. And I like waking up with stiff/sore muscles the next day. Not painful, but enough to know that I didn't something good the day before. I like pushing myself. I really like that. But running is different for me.

But I really want to change it! I don't know that I want to do races all of the time, but I know I want to say I've accomplished one. Because for ME, it would be a HUUUUUUUGE accomplishment.

See, I run on my elliptical every other day. I can go for quite a while. Several miles. But running and an elliptical machine are NOT the same. And running in Maryland is not the same as running in Wyoming. VERY different. This altitude is hard!

So, the help I need is this: Where do I begin?! Do I run outdoors or on a track or on a treadmill? (Although I think the fact that Jason is never here to watch the kids would mean I should probably get a treadmill, so I can run while they sleep). And then, what kind of treadmill do I get? Or instead of getting a treadmill should I get a membership at the rec center and run on their track and pay for the child care? (Although it's ridiculously priced and probably isn't even opened at the time of morning I want to run anyway). And do I start out walking or speed walking or jogging or just running? And how far do I go? And how long will it take before I notice a difference?? HELP!!

Seriously, ANY opinions and advice will be much appreciated. Because I want to start Monday morning. And if you don't comment, I'll have to figure something out on my own and I think if I have to do that I just might go cRaZy!! :)

Weekly Wiegh In - Week 2, a day late

2009-10-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

So I weighed myself yesterday, expecting to be very disappointed in myself. You see, last Wednesday, Thursday, and also Friday morning-afternoon I did awesome!! I worked out hard and I ate great. But then I headed to Utah. I dropped the kids off with my parents and then headed to get my hair done and run a few errands. I got home later than expected (darn BYU game traffic!) and hurried to bathe the kids, have family scriptures and prayer, and get them to bed. Once that was done, I was FAMISHED. I had eaten lunch and took a sliced apple to get my hair done to tie me over until dinner. At this point it was about 9pm and I had only eaten a puny apple between then and noon. So I grabbed for the quickest thing I could.

My mom made delicious corn chowder with crumbled bacon and a yummy baguette. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I'd been good and I was hungry and I don't believe in depriving myself of anything. I took a small portion of chowder, one slice of bacon crumbled, and one small slice of bread. I would have been fine with that. But then I had seconds. Even though I wasn't really hungry anymore. Just because it tasted so good.

Well, I wasn't going to let one night be an issue, so I woke up the next morning resolved to do better. But Dad made waffles for Conference morning breakfast. Luckily, they were whole wheat waffles, and I topped them with delicious fresh peaches and fat free cool whip. I got back on track and ate healthy the rest of the day...until dinner. We waited to eat until after the boys got home from Priesthood. I was starving again. And dinner was leftover chowder. Arg.

Again, I resolved to do better the next morning. But Dad was making omelets. (I think my dad secretly wants me to be fat). Well, I withstood the temptation by having an egg white omelet with loads of veggies and minimal cheese. Again, I did great the rest of the day. Again: until dinner. Steak, mashed potatoes with Au jus, and fresh veggies from the garden. I loaded up on those fresh veggies. And I shared a portion of steak with my kids. But those dang potatoes!! They are my weakness. I heart them. And I ate not one, not two, but THREE helpings. I meant to stop at just the one, but they were screaming my name! And two would have been plenty, but then Jack didn't finish his, and I couldn't let that deliciousness go to waste!

Well, then Monday rolled around and I had pretty much just given up. I ate pretty well all day and then headed to McDonald's with a friend and all the kiddos for dinner. And I had ice cream.

Oh! And I forgot to mention that my mom sent me out one night to buy Halloween candy, which she uses every year to fill her thousands of candy dishes around the house. So I'd have a piece or two here or there, until Sunday night when I completely gave up and let myself eat it in handfuls.

By the time I left Tuesday morning, I was so happy to be heading home! I felt gross and was ready to get back to it. But you know how it is coming back from a trip. I had laundry and primary stuff to catch up on. I was way behind Tuesday night and ordered pizza. It was convenient and it meant I didn't have to wash many dishes.

And that's why when I stepped on the scale Wednesday morning, I was expecting a huge disappointment. To be honest with you, as bummed as I was to not see another 6 1/2 pounds missing, I was SHOCKED that I didn't GAIN anything!! Yay for me!

But I'm still struggling this week. Going out of town throws me so off! I got the laundry done, but I still have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. My house desperately needs to be cleaned. I have to work on some primary stuff. Bills need to be paid. And I left my favorite workout dvd in Utah. :(

I'm really struggling to get back to working out at 5. Tuesday night I was asleep by 10 and last night by 9. I go to bed early, and yet I still couldn't drag myself out of bed! I actually slept in until 7:30 this morning. That's MORE than enough sleep. I just need to force myself back into the habit. If I'm not up at 5, I honestly don't have enough time in the day to get anything done. I need that alone time in the morning to get going and to do things for ME.

I found out at my doctor's appointment on Monday morning that I'm anemic. Until I knew about it, I hadn't noticed any symptoms. So I feel like simply knowing has thrown me off. I'm supposed to start taking a multivitamin, but that just stresses me out. Anytime I've taken a vitamin supplement before I've felt nauseous. I don't really want to deal with that.

Another thing is that I really need to get to the grocery store. I came home to a few moldy items that I need to replace. I eat berries and things pretty regularly, but they go bad fast. The problem is I just haven't had the time to get to go through the fridge and cupboards and make a list. I'm sure once I get to that I'll feel a lot better. It's so easy to eat healthy when I have quick, healthy, yummy options staring back at me from the fridge.

Well, enough of me complaining. I really should get off the computer and make my grocery list, pick Payson up from preschool and head straight to the store. Then maybe I can make up for today's missed workout tonight after the kids are asleep and I'm watching The Office!! :)

Weekly Weigh In - Week 1, and the ER

2009-09-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

Well, for the most part it's been a great week! I posted last Tuesday that I was at 184 pounds. Yuck. When I woke up Tuesday morning I weighed myself again. 182. I love that you lose weight over night without doing anything. :) I figure it doesn't count if I didn't work for it, so my official starting weight will be 182.

I got my rear out of bed at 5 am Tuesday morning, had a bowl of oatmeal with lots of fresh berries, got a couple of things done, and then ran for a mere 20 minutes on the elliptical machine. Kind of a bummer when I was up to running 40 minutes before, but I decided that I don't care because at least I'm doing SOMETHING! I have continued throughout the week to get myself up every morning at 5 (which is ridiculously hard for me, but when else will I be able to workout?!), and ate healthy, but still yummy meals and snacks. Within two days I felt so much better than I have lately!! It's so hard for me to start doing this, even when I know how good I'll feel, and then once I start all I can think is, "I love how I feel! Why haven't I been doing this all along?!" Hopefully I'll remember that the next time I feel like giving up!

I have done the elliptical every MWF, and a weight training dvd every TThS. Love Sunday morning breaks. Plus I let myself sleep in until 6. :) Last week I just did my 20 minutes on the elliptical and a 30 minute weight video. This week it's 30 minutes on the elliptical and a 50 minute weight video. I hurt. The good hurt. Love it! Although, I have yet to workout this morning, and I'm coming up with every excuse to postpone it because I know there will be pain. (Don't worry, I'll do it.)

I have found several new healthy recipes and have tried a few this week (all of which I posted on my other blog). I love finding healthy versions of the stuff I already love! Like lasagna! I found a GREAT lasagna recipe! So delicious! I ate a small salad first and then had 1 piece of lasagna and was completely stuff! And it was amazing! I felt like I was indulging, but I wasn't! Those are the best tricks to sticking with it.

I've been enjoying cooking again too. When I make the same things over and over again I get bored and then I quit and we ended up eating out way too much. So I do a little online exploring here and there and I end up trying all kinds of fun new things! Like making my own lasagna from scratch. Or like cooking with bulgur! And today I'm making a hot and sour soup which has bamboo shoots which I've never cooked with before. Then tomorrow night I'm cooking a Moroccan soup that has some weird ingredients that I'd never even heard of (like garam masala). Things that used to seem intimidating to cook with (like eggplant) are becoming fun and familiar!

So far I've met or exceeded most of my goals. I guzzle 96 ounces of water or more each day. I'm working out my 6 days and definitely reaching my calorie goals. And I've lost more than the 2 pounds per week this week. (Although I'm sure a great deal was water weight and that number will slow down in the next week or two). As for sleeping 8 hours each night, well...that one's been tough. I either have had to much to do and gotten to bed a little late, or the kids wake up, or something else happens. But I'm averaging seven or so hours each night. I'm sleeping better because of the exercise, so I wake up feeling pretty good. And that's really what the goal was about anyway. :)

As for numbers, well, I'm pretty excited about them! I weighed in this morning at 175.5 pounds, that's a 6 1/2 pound loss in 7 days! And My BMI is down from 29.7 to 28.3. Wahoo!! Of course it's not what it was a few months ago when I was doing so well, but I'm definitely headed in the right direction!

The best part of all of this is the way that it has affected my everyday life. I get up and get moving. I have more energy to get the millions of things done each day that are waiting on my to do list. I'm so productive lately! I love it! My stress level is easing, and between counseling, medication, and a healthy diet and exercise program my anxiety is way down! Don't get me wrong, it's still there! But it's becoming so manageable. I'm really feeling like myself again.

Now that's not to say life is perfect. Because it's not. Let's take last night for example. I had such a busy day yesterday. And I managed to stay on top of everything. I was pretty proud of myself! I finally the kids fed and bathed and we had scriptures and prayer, so I sat down to fold some laundry and watch Biggest Loser until it was time to put the kids to sleep (at 8). At 8, I had a couple of things left to fold from a load of laundry and was just about to finish and put the kids to sleep. They were chasing each other around the house and laughing. Until Jack slipped on the linoleum and slammed his head on the floor.

He's at that age where he constantly has a bruise on his head from one thing or another. Most of the time he gets up and laughs it off. If not, I hold him for a minute, kiss him better, and it's over. But last night he couldn't catch his breath. It completely knocked the wind out of him. After about 30 seconds (which feels like 10 years when your baby isn't breathing) he caught his breath and started to cry. But it wasn't a normal cry. It was a weird sound. I can't even describe it. He went completely green and just sat with me for twenty minutes. Not normal for my boy.

So we headed to the ER. After waiting for 2 1/2 hours, we headed home. Jack had a concussion. Yuck. Luckily, by the time the doctor saw him he was acting more normal. They told me to give him Tylenol (not ibuprofen, apparently it will make the brain bleed if you have a concussion, who'd have thought!), that I could let him sleep, and that if he threw up more than one time to bring him in immediately.

He woke up fine this morning. And although I was frustrated with waiting around for what felt like all night long, I was glad I went in, if only for my own peace of mind.

The bummer was that my baby was hurt, the wait was irritating, I had to drive 20 minutes home at 11 at night, and I miss Biggest Loser. Also still had to wake up at 5 to work out. The good news is that Jack is fine. And although I let myself sleep in half an hour, I still got up at 5:30am with only 6 short hours of sleep.

Well, there you have it. Here's to a crazy, busy, healthy, happy week behind me, and another one ahead of me! And it's Conference Weekend! Yay!! I love conference weekend! Although I have a ton of stuff to get done in between sessions. Yikes.

So, how have you all been doing? And seriously, share any yummy healthy meal ideas!! I don't know what to make this week!

Back at it!

2009-09-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

During the first few months of the year I did so well staying healthy and losing weight. I was gaining strength and endurance and feeling REALLY good about myself. I was setting goals and holding myself accountable. And then I let it all go.

I've tried a few times to get back to it. It hasn't happened. I have gained back every pound, plus a few. I feel really lousy. I've made loads of excuses for myself.

So here I am, holding myself accountable to you once again. It worked well the first time! :)

But this time I'm laying all of my cards on the table. This has been a safe place for me. No judgment and loads of support. So here I go!

As of tonight I weigh 184.5 pounds. Yup. That's a lot. My frame should not have to carry this many pounds. My BMI is 29.7, considered overweight. Only 0.2 away from obese. Yikes! That scares me. When I was doing well I was about that far away from the healthy range.

For me, the healthy range is between 114 and 154 pounds. That's quite a range! My goal is set for 120 pounds. Some people might think that's too low, but it's what I feel is a HEALTHY weight for ME. Not all women in my height and age range, but for ME.

Numbers aside, I'm setting new goals. You know my long term weight goal. My short term goals are to drink at least 64 ounces of water a day, get 8 hours of sleep a night (if the kids will cooperate!), workout 6 days a week, consume between 1200 and 1500 calories per day, lose 2 pounds per week, try at least one new healthy recipe per week, and stop eating out.

Those are all things that I have found helpful to me. And next week I'll add a few more goals to the plan. Maybe some more specific goals. Right now, I just need to get going. I need to get back into the habit of taking care of myself. I am so much happier when I do! It helps my anxiety and depression, it helps me to stay productive throughout the day, and it helps me to feel sexy!! And who doesn't want to feel sexy every now and then?!

Join me if you want! I love support. And although I may not always be the best at implementing them, I have LOADS of ideas and tips for healthy living!! :) And I'll be updating my Scrawny Chef blog again!! Yay for sharing recipes!! I have a whole list of new ones to try!

I'm tired of my clothes fitting tighter. I tired of getting tired doing simple activity. I'm tired of feeling disappointed in myself. So here's to not waiting for Monday or for New Year's! Here's to making a fresh start happen NOW!!

P.S. This may or may not have a tiny bit to do with the new season of Biggest Loser starting up. :) LOVE THAT SHOW!

2009-09-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

I've been having a hard time the last month or so with my depression and anxiety. It finally got bad enough that I asked Jason to take some time off of work so that I could get control of things again. So he did and I scheduled a few doctor's appointments. Friday morning I met with a new doctor and was feeling pretty good about the things he had suggested to help me start feeling "normal" again.

After the appointment we went home and were trying to think of what we should do for the weekend. We spontaneously decided that we needed a break from life, made a few calls, threw together an overnight bag, and headed to Park City!

We found a great deal online at the Park City Peaks Hotel and checked in around six. We usually end up staying with family or friends when we travel, so the idea of a hotel was magical to the kids. :) They were bouncing all over the room. It was so fun to watch them get excited about the idea of sleeping in the same room as mom and dad and seeing the tv and exploring the bathroom. It wasn't even a fancy hotel, but to them it was incredible!

First thing they wanted to do was hit the pool, so as soon as everyone had their suits on I made them pose for a ridiculous photo. :)

The pool wasn't too fancy, but it was indoor and outdoor with a little channel you swam through to get from one to the other. The kids loved that! They loved going from the hot tub to the pool and jumping around and sliding down the stair railing into the water. It was so nice to just relax and have fun, just the four of us! I love watching my kids laugh like that and seeing them play with their daddy. They love him so much!

After swimming, we went back to the room, showered and put on jammies. Jack jumped on the bed,

and I realized that the ONE THING I had forgotten to pack was an elastic for my hair. There was no point in styling it since I was just going to sleep on it and ruin it, so I just let it air dry and figured I'd wet it down the next morning before I got ready. Forgetting an elastic may not seem like a big deal to most of you, but for those of us with ridiculously naturally curly hair, THIS is the result:

Pretty, huh? Anyway, after showering we ordered dessert from the Grub Steak Restaurant and had it delivered to our room. We splurged and got the New York Style Cheesecake with fresh Strawberries, Chocolate Mud Pie with slivered almonds, and the Chocolate Suicide Cake with Raspberry Coulis. So yummy!! I wish I had remembered to take pictures of the desserts. Jack crashed before it arrived, so Payson, Jason and I dug in and watched tv until we were ready for bed. :)

The next morning the kids and Jason watched tv while they waited for me to tame my mane. Look at that beautiful girl! I can't believe how big she's getting! And what about that hunk of a husband I have?! It really doesn't get better than him. You should all be so, so jealous.

We checked out of the hotel and headed to breakfast at Einstein Bros, Bagels. Delish! Then it was off to the Tanger Outlet Mall for a morning of shopping!! We don't have much out here and I need to start stocking up on Fall/Winter clothes for the kids before it gets much colder. Winters in the high desert are seriously frigid and can creep up anytime. Payson was really into the shopping this year. She kept asking if she could try things on. She's not at an age where she needs to try things on yet, but I let her anyway. It was fun to hear her opinions and to picture all our future mother-daughter shopping trips. I can't wait!!

We took breaks at the playgrounds between shops so the kids wouldn't get too bored. I rarely have cash on me, and had no change, but the kids really wanted to ride this little carousel. So I just grabbed the poles and started pulling it around instead. Who needs quarters, huh?!

After shopping my mom and dad and two little sisters met us at the Loco Lizard Cantina for lunch. More super delicious food!! And it was fun to visit.

After lunch we all headed over to the Park City Mountain Resort to play for the afternoon. Here's our little family and the backs of my family on the ski lift ride to the top of the Alpine Slide. The kids loved the super slow ride up. It was beautiful! The leaves were just started to change. But for some reason I get so nervous on ski lifts! How easily could that metal snap?! And we'd be plummeting to our deaths. It just freaks me out.

Here we are waiting to slide! On the left is Maren, my mom, and then my dad. On the right is Jason with Jack, Payson waiting for me to finish taking pictures and join her, and Madison. We all expected the ride to be a little more intense. Not so much. It was tons of fun for Payson and Jack, but the rest of us were slightly disappointed. Although I was very interested in counting all the dead crickets and grasshoppers on the way down. We even ran over a little chipmunk on the track. So, so sad. And so, so gross!

After the Alpine Slide we hit the Alpine Coaster, which, if you remember, Jason and I did for our anniversary getaway in May. Jack wasn't old enough so Jason volunteered to wait with him while the rest of us went on the ride. I really thought Payson would be more nervous but she was perfectly calm and actually LOVED the ride!! I had so much fun listening to her the whole way down. She loved the speed and the curves and the little bumps and drops. I know this isn't the greatest picture because of the sun, but Jason caught her waving as we were coming in.

Everyone seemed much more impressed by the coaster than the slide. It really is a lot of fun! Then we took Payson and Jack on some of the kid rides while we waited for Jason to go on the zip line.

Maren was so cute being silly with the kids on the rides, trying to make it even more fun for them. I snapped this photo of her on the little space train and it cracked me up!

Then they rode the airplanes,

And the carousel. Jack was very excited about his Zebra. And Madie and Maren were super awesome riding their ponies backwards. :)

And finally, Jason coming in on the zip line. It looked like the most fun, but incidentally, it wasn't as exciting as it looked. Turns out the Alpine Coaster was the big hit of the day.

We had such a fun weekend! It was the perfect little getaway. We got to forget about life and stress and everything and just be together as a family. And we even made it home at a decent hour. We got everything unpacked and got to bed early and got a decent night's sleep before a chaotic day at church the next morning. :) Not so much fun when only half of the presidency is there and half of the teachers don't show up and don't have subs. Ugh. But oh well! Life happens and we got through it!

Now we're back to real life at home. Payson is having a blast at preschool and she starts ballet tomorrow. And tomorrow is also Tuesday morning playgroup and then library story time on Thursday, which Jack loves! And mommy is busy preparing for the upcoming Primary Program. Hope you're having as much fun as we are!!

2009-09-11T20:51:00.001-07:00

My heart is aching for the Bodily family right now. Hours ago they lost their husband/father in a car accident. I keep imagining what Katie must have been thinking when she realized her sweet companion was gone. When she realized she would be left alone with those four beautiful boys for the remainder of this life. I have no doubt that their family will be reunited one day. And how grateful I am for the sealing power! But right now I let my tears fall for my friends. I am mourning his loss with them. And as I'm alone tonight, this blog will be the one who hears my sorrow. How I wish I could take the pain from those sweet, tenderhearted boys right now! How I wish I could stop the pain and grief that Katie will endure in this life! Every feeling in me right now feels so cliche. And so trivial. The sadness I am feeling at the loss of a family friend is nothing compared to what they are feeling right now. Please pray for this family tonight. Pray that their hearts will heal quickly and that they will be comforted. Pray that Katie will have strength as she mothers her sons alone. And pray that the boys will be strengthened by the testimony and legacy their father left them. Pray that their testimonies of our Heavenly Father's plan will sustain them and bring them peace. Pray that His spirit will never leave their side.

Ugh.

2009-09-11T14:12:00.001-07:00

I have been meaning to post for way too long and just haven't found the time to do it. Has it really been a whole month? And now this week I'm sick. Ugh.

I've been through more tissues than I could count, several cans of soup, and seven seasons of Friends. The kids have destroyed the house and I just don't care. I'll either get to it when I'm feeling better or leave it for Jason. :)

Anyway, hope you're feeling better than I am! I'm going back to this:

If you can name this episode, ... you'll be the coolest person ever.

What's on YOUR mind this morning??

2009-08-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

* Why isn't today over yet?! Jason will finally be home tonight and we have a fun filled week of family activities planned. I can't wait!!

* Wish this house would clean itself. If DCFS showed up they'd probably take my kids. It's that bad.

* If my house figures out how to clean itself, maybe it will do the laundry for me too. I need clean underwear!!

* I'm never going to get all of this primary stuff down. Never. Oh well! Just keep doing the best you can!

* Holy cow, my kids are the cutest!! Look at them sitting together on the couch watching Grease. :) I love how Payson asks to watch "Crease" no matter how many times I correct her.

* I can't wait to go see family and friends in Utah tomorrow! I miss them!!

* Seriously, my kids are the CUTEST! I should have another one. ...but is it the right time? I'm kind of baby hungry. More than I thought. What to do, what to do?!

* I'm hungry. I want cake. Yellow cake with homemade chocolate fudge frosting. I haven't had that in ages!!

* Cake. Ugh. I need to get my big behind back in gear and work out and eat healthy again. I gained back all that weight I worked so hard to lose. Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh!

* I should probably not be on the computer right now. Maybe I should go get some of that laundry done so I can pack for our trip tomorrow!!

* So what's on YOUR mind this morning?!

{ oh what do you do in the summertime }

2009-08-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, what do you do in the summertime,
When all the world is green?
Do you fish in a stream,
Or lazily dream
On the banks as the clouds go by?
Is that what you do?
So do I!

Oh, what do you do in the summertime,
When all the world is green?
Do you swim in a pool,
To keep yourself cool,
Or swing in a tree up high?
Is that what you do?
So do I!

Oh, what do you do in the summertime,
When all the world is green?
Do you march in parades,
Or drink lemonades,
Or count all the stars in the sky?
Is that what you do?
So do I!

We have had such a fun summer this year and I haven't really posted ANY of it!! I let life get to busy and I forget to remember all the fun we have in between the craziness. So here's to all the fun!! Because there has been quite a bit!!

**I should warn you. This post will contain quite a few pictures, the majority of which are taken from my phone. I have a hard time remembering to carry my camera around with me wherever I go, but my phone is generally in my purse or pocket. They are lousy quality taken by a terribly amateur photographer. But regardless, they are our memories and I love them!**

Between weddings, family reunions, and temple trips we've been back and forth to Utah quite a lot in the last few months.

One trip down, we spent the afternoon playing with friends. Kristin and I had a LOT of catching up to do, and I can't even tell you how much Payson and Jack missed Ethan and Camden! (They are our favorites!!) The kids were playing outside in the rain while Kristin and I watched from the porch. Jack headed down the sloped sidewalk on a big wheel and I ran after him, but caught up just as he went off the curb and biffed it hard in the street. :( We had to document the owie and send a picture to Daddy who was at work.

That night was the first night of Strawberry Days in Pleasant Grove! Kristin and I ventured out in the crazy crowds and the rain to let the kids ride a few rides. It was the cheap night (rides were fifty cents each) and the lines were ridiculous. But you have to choose either ridiculous lines or ridiculous prices. :) So I would stand in line while my little sisters and Kristin would go occupy the kids on a ride with a shorter line and then they'd meet me toward the front of the line. It was a pretty good system until the rain started to really pour! But the kids wanted to keep on going, and Kristin and I allowed it. The kids were exhausted and soaked when we finally called it a night, but they were still asking to keep going!! Crazies!!

Here are Maren and Jack, then Eathan, Madison and Payson on the carousel.

Payson, Jack and I, then Kristin, Camden and Ethan on the Ferris Wheel.

We've pulled out the crafts a few times this summer, although probably not as much as we should. However, if you look at the kitchen wall in the background of the next photo, you'll notice that the kids pulled out the crafts on their own one day and gave the kitchen a makeover! No worries, Mr. Clean and his Magic Eraser took care of that mess later that day. :)

Here are the kids in Dad's old t-shirts playing with the finger paints.

We complained all winter that the wind NEVER stops here! Now that it's warmed up, we complain when the wind stops. :) But the wind makes kite-flying great fun!! The kids got kites for Easter and we FINALLY pulled them out.

This is on the trail up the hill from our backyard. It's the perfect spot to get the kites up above any phone lines and the apartments.

The day after I was called as Primary President we made a trip to Utah to go to the temple. My dad was taking the girls out on the boat and invited us along. After a few minutes on Deer Creek a huge storm hit. We tried to head in to the dock, but the rain was pelting us so hard!! The kids and the girls were all hiding under seats, but my dad and Jason and I got hit pretty hard. We laughed through the entire thing. But the storm passed quickly and we went for some fun tube rides. My dad promised not to throw me off the tube, however he whipped me around a couple of times and I just couldn't hang on. I was freezing but it was a blast!! I felt like a kid again and just kept thinking, "This is not how Primary Presidents should behave!" Most of our pictures from that must be on Jason's phone because I can't find any other than this one.

Madison and I took Jack and Payson out on a slower ride on the tube. Jack loved it and would stand up and wave to everyone on the boat. Payson was a little more nervous. :)

Madison and Maren stayed with us for a week in June and we had a BLAST!! I loved having them here and had a hard, hard time letting them go. One day while they were here we had been at the local splash park and decided to head over for a walk along the Green Belt, which is a pathway that runs along the Green River. There are swings and playgrounds and park benches all along the pathway and it is so beautiful! During June we got so much rain that the river had actually flooded this portion of the Green Belt, but we decided to play in it anyway!!

The kids couldn't quite keep up with the current, so we would hold their hands and just drag them through the water. :) There was one spot that was pretty muddy and the kids had a blast getting filthy sinking into it.

Every now and then we just hook our sprinkler up in the backyard to play. I'll pull out a camping chair and read or lay out while the kids giggle and run around the lawn.

This little sprinkler shoots little balls out of it and the kids usually try to catch them, but this day they were just sticking their heads on the water and cracking up. :)

I think I mentioned the Splash Park earlier. The kids LOVE the splash park! They love running through the water and then heading over to the dry playground next to it for a break and then coming back over to cool off. I love it because 1) I don't have to worry about anyone drowning! and 2) it's free!!

These two ask to go to the Splash Park just about every day! They can't get enough!! How about that picture of Jack squatting over the sprayer?? Crazy kiddos!!

We also head over to Rock Springs, about 15 minutes away, for some water fun. There are several water parks near us. The first picture is Century Park. The slide is a little steeper, but the kids love to play on the rock wall. The second picture is Blairtown Park. The slide is much slower, but multiple kids can go down at a time. Both parks have lifeguards on duty, have an age limit so there are no older kids taking over, are adjacent to grassy fields and playgrounds perfect for a lunch break, are 3 feet deep at the deepest point, and are 100% FREE!! We can't get enough!!

I don't have pictures of my kids at these two because I'm usually in the water with them, so I stole these off the city website. :) I'll have to get pictures next time we're there!

With all the time we're spending outdoors, we've had lots of baths!! They always beg me to dump every single bath toy we own in. Some days I just want to bathe them quickly and get it over with, but every now and then we take our time and have a bath party!! I usually end up soaked, but we all end up laughing.

Payson loves to mohawk Jack's hair. :)

And last, I can't believe I hadn't already posted this one!! In June we celebrated Jack's 2nd birthday!! He is absolutely obsessed with Cars, so, of course, we had a Cars themed party. We took the kids to see UP! earlier that day and then headed home for presents and cake!

The very happy birthday boy!

I saw a cake on a friend's blog and attempted to make a similar cake for Jack's birthday. Thanks for the idea, Brendi!! (I'd link to her blog, but it's private).

Jack tore into one present after another, many of which were inspired by, you guess it, Cars!!

This is how he spent the rest of his party. He was in heaven!

Just a few days after Jack's birthday, the kids and I headed to Utah to watch Madison and Maren while my parents were otu of town. Before Grandma left she made sure Jack got to open all of his presents from Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Devin, Uncle Brennan, Aunt Madie, and Aunt Maren.

Jack with all of his loot! Not spoiled at all! ;)

We are having so much fun so far!! I can't believe we are already in August!! Time FLIES!! Next week Jason will be off and we have crammed every little thing possible into our week in an attempt to take advantage of his last week off of the summer. We're headed to Utah for a quick temple trip, to see a couple of friends, and to meet Erin's new little boy!! We have a ward picnic on Friday, which will be tons of fun!! (We seriously live in the best ward EVER!!) Then Saturday we're hoping to spend some time out at Flaming Gorge Resevoir, then leave the kids with a babysitter for the night while Jason and I have a date night!! I really can't wait!

I was reading blogs the other day and thinking about how everyone seems to be doing so much this summer and I'd completely forgotten about all the fun things we've been able to do, most of which was close to home and free!! Yay!! I love that!!

I do have to say, though, that I am looking forward to the structure the end of summer brings. Back to school and routines and more to keep us busy. And all of the sudden we'll be hitting the holidays again! But until that happens, we'll be out in the sun enjoying every last bit of summer fun!!

Balance

2009-07-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

Balance is something I am not good at. I mean, I can stand on one foot and ride a bike and everything. But balancing life doesn't come so easy to me. When the balancing act gets overwhelming I tend to shut off. It's not pretty. This last week wasn't pretty.

Before the week began I looked at my calendar and besides a presidency meeting Friday afternoon there wasn't much going on. A friend had mentioned that she was going to start potty training her son who is close to Jack's age and it got me thinking. Jack is a smart boy. Lately he takes his diapers off multiple times a day and pees or worse on my floor. What's the harm? I don't have anything else to do! So I made a plan, talked it up to Jack and bought supplies.

Our first try on the potty was a success!! And then came failure after failure for three days straight. I was frustrated, to say the least. Then, some personal family stuff came up during the week that added about 10 tons of stress to my already frustrated shoulders. I spent two days in tears trying to figure out a solution to this dilemma. When I finally did, the added stress was lifted, but I was left deflated.

Jason called me Thursday night from work to say he would be home Friday afternoon around one and that he would have the option to take Saturday off. However he would have to work Sunday regardless of working Saturday or not. This was good news/bad news. I needed him home with my. I didn't want to wait until Saturday night. I was thrilled that he'd be home a day early! But I needed him Sunday. Church is hard enough with the kids by myself, but with the added responsibilities in primary and other Sunday meetings it can get seriously crazy! On a normal week, I would have been disappointed, but fine. This week wasn't a normal week. The news was just one more straw on this camels already broken back.

Throughout the week I was giving Jack every second of my attention, trying to catch every accident and rush him to the potty. I couldn't get anything done. I was too anxious. If I showered, he had an accident. If I made a meal, he had an accident. If I answered my phone he had an accident. I let the house go all week. Toys were everywhere. Dishes were piled high. I hadn't straightened, let alone cleaned! And I had a meeting Friday afternoon with my primary presidency.

Now that I knew Jason would be home, I called my presidency to reschedule for the evening. This would give me time to get the house together after Jason came home. One of us could be watching Jack while the other cleaned and everything would work out. I was finally catching a break!

Friday morning came and as diminished as I felt I was hopeful. Jason always helps me to feel better. He helps me to get things done around the house, he helps with the kids, he cheers me up, and just having him at home brings a completely different spirit. Then he texted me to say that they had gotten a late start. He'd be an hour later. Then they still hadn't started and it would be an hour later. And another hour. There was no time left to get anything done.

I wondered if I should just change the location of our meeting so I didn't have to worry about my house. I wondered if I should just try anyway to hurry and clean the house. But what I really wanted was to give up.

So I did. I called my presidency members, apologized profusely for rescheduling only to bail on them. They were more understanding than they needed to be. (I really have the most incredible presidency EVER).

Jason finally got home around six thirty Friday evening. I cried, relieved, when he walked through the door. He told me to relax, picked up some dinner, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. All while I did absolutely nothing. I don't deserve him.

Saturday morning I woke up to most the house already being clean. He dealt with the kids all day so that I could take care of some primary stuff and plan my sharing time lessons (at the last minute). That night he put the kids to bed again and stayed up late with me just talking and laughing and being together. I was finally starting to feel like I'd be okay, even with him leaving at 3:30 the next morning.

I spent most of the weekend wondering why the week had been so hard on me. Yes, stressful things had happened during the week, but there was no reason that I should have shut down the way I did. I felt depressed and dark and scared and miserable all week. I recognized the source of these feelings, but still I didn't understand. I had read scriptures and said prayers each day that week. I didn't think I was committing any sins that would have allowed the spirit to be driven from me like that. But I wanted to understand it. I wanted to know so that I could avoid it ever happening again.

Earlier in the week, one of my closest friends had posted a talk on her blog. (I would link to it so you could all see how completely amazing she is, but for very good reason her blog is kept private). The talk was Unleashing the Dormant Spirit by F. Enzio Busche. It was a BYU devotional from 1996. It was LONG. I told myself I would eventually find time to read it, and I did. But I wish I had read it sooner!!

I finally made the time Saturday afternoon to sit and read this talk. I had printed off a couple of talks earlier in the week on balance (both of which were wonderful and can be found here and here), thinking maybe they would help me to understand myself a little more, and help me to bring myself out of this funk.

As I studied I realized that balance and exercise/practice are so connected. I need to continually practice, prayerfully balancing and prioritizing all the responsibilities in my life. I'm never going to wake up one morning and be a pro. And I may very well have weeks like this last week every now and then. But as I continue to improve little by little, exercising those spiritual muscles, added one pound at a time and increasing my ability, eventually balancing what seemed so overwhelming this week will feel light and simple.

One profound thought taught in the talk by Elder Busche was the concept of having the spirit to be with us always. Always. He told this story:

I remember the day I began my service as a mission president. On that morning I had the zone leaders coming to the mission home. In my enthusiasm and excitement, understanding the importance of the Spirit in our work, I asked the missionaries, "How much of a typical day in the service are you normally under the vibrating, powerful influence of the Spirit?" I remember their reaction. They obviously did not know what to say. They acted like I caught them by surprise. Having been converted as an adult and, therefore, not having served as a young, full-time missionary myself, I assumed that it was natural that a missionary would be always under the influence of the Spirit. How surprised I was when, after a time with no missionary daring to say anything, one of them finally said, "Last Thursday night, while we were teaching the Lehman family, we were feeling the Spirit."

I remember my immediate response was, "That was it? How about the rest of the day?" I immediately understood that we cannot have a successful mission experience until we learn how to behave or learn what to do so that the Spirit will endow us with power and all the other gifts. None of us can afford to be without them. None of us has enough wisdom, enough intelligence, enough knowledge, enough skills, or enough courage, by ourselves, to master our lives and even to succeed in life unless we learn what it means to surrender ourselves into the arms of the Lord and be filled with the Spirit. He wants to empower us with the gifts that he has promised to give to each of his disciples who has made sacred covenants with him.

All too often I am the missionaries in this story. I feel the spirit during moments or events, maybe even for a day or two at a time. And then life resumes and I wait for the next surge of that "vibrating, powerful influence of the Spirit" to come.

Satan knows me. He knows he won't be able to get me to commit a moral sin. He won't get me to drink, smoke, or try drugs. He won't even likely catch me with a swear word or an R-rated movie. But he knows that. And he tries what he knows will work on me. He waits until I am overwhelmed and stressed and ready to give up. He knows that in those hard moments he can slip dark thoughts into my mind. He knows that if he can keep me miserable for long enough that maybe, just maybe, I'll put down my scriptures. That I'll climb into bed exhausted, without kneeling for prayer first. And he knows that if he can get me to that point that it is only a few more steps before I am his.

How I need to try, with every ounce of effort I can muster, to keep that Spirit with me always! I know that it doesn't take much for Satan to slip in and drag me down. I must be armed with it's power and ready to fight at any given moment.

I have no doubt that as I strive to keep the Spirit with me always, and as I prayerfully, with His guidance, manage my responsibilities as a wife, mother, member of His church, and daughter of Him, that I will succeed in finding balance and happiness in my life.

I am so grateful for these men (who wrote the above mentioned talks), for the leaders of His church, for my family, and for dear, dear friends who have sought diligently to have that Spirit with them always. They share with me their inspired thoughts and testimonies and strengthen me constantly. Weeks like last week are bearable only because the Lord has placed these and incredible relationships and resources in my path. What would I do without this gospel?

Happy Pioneer Day!!

2009-07-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

Our stake youth just got back from a Pioneer Trek to Martin's Cove. Thinking about Pioneer Day over the weekend and then hearing the testimonies of a couple of the ward youth today in Sacrament meeting got me thinking.

I don't know how most people feel but when I graduated from high school I was done with Young Women's. Although I still felt very out of place in Relief Society. Our ward was doing a Trek that August and had asked me to go several times, but I just didn't want to. I wasn't a "youth" anymore, but I wasn't one of the adults either. My brothers were still in young men's and would be going on the Trek. My dad was going as a leader. Mom was staying home with the little girls who were still just 3 1/2 and 5. And mom made me go.

I complained and complained and complained. I wanted to stay home and work and hang out with my friends and figure out who I was. But I still lived at home which meant that Mom and Dad still had the final say in my life. I am SO grateful that they did!!

I don't think I ever recorded my experiences from the Trek. I have a dvd with clips and music of the whole thing, but I never sat and wrote down my personal experiences. Unfortunately, it's seven years later and I don't remember all the details. I couldn't even tell you where we went or how many miles we walked.

What I do remember is having a wasp (or bee or hornet or yellow jacket...whichever one it was) fly up my bloomers the first evening. I started dancing around to get it out and one of my leaders started swatting at my behind with a rolled up paper of some kind. This angered the bug and it consequently bit or stung me in the rear 6 times before the leader grabbed my pants and yanked them to my ankles. (This story is, sadly, not one bit exaggerated).

On the second day of the Trek, we passed a creek. It was hot. We were sweaty. The water was cold and refreshing. We stood barefoot in the river and splashed our faces. It was heaven. Some boys standing on the riverbank opposite me started to throw rocks into the river to splash a girl near me and myself. We threw rocks back. All in good fun. Until...I slipped in a mossy rock. I grabbed the girl next to me for balance to avoid falling in face first. It worked. Only I ended up smashing my face into the rock she was holding. It hurt. A lot. I didn't cry. Until...I spit half of my front tooth out into my hand. I ran to my dad crying that my mile was ruined. I had been asked so many times over the years if I had worn braces. I hadn't. I was proud of my teeth. I spent the rest of the Trek with a hillbilly smile. And a terribly sensitive exposed nerve. Ouch. Minutes after it happened one of the men on the Trek (namely Steve Shrader) found a deer skull with the same front tooth missing. He held it up to my face to make "funny" comparisons. In the moment, it was not so funny. Another man commented (these were LEADERS, not boys!) that I shouldn't worry. If no one would marry me I could always just serve a mission! This seriously offended the sisters standing nearby who HAD served missions. :) I waited a good four days to get that tooth fixed. You can still see the ugly crack down the middle. Yuck.

Each "family" (we were assigned a male and female leader, a "Ma" and "Pa" who were the older ones like me, and two children per handcart, if I remember correctly) was given a flour sack baby at the beginning of the Trek. After a couple of days, ours burst along the trail. We buried our "baby" and held a graveside service. At the end of the Trek a prize was given to the baby who was kept in the best condition. We joked and argued that the pioneers could have done their absolute best with their children and still lost them along the way. We had had a real pioneer experience and should be considered for the prize!! It didn't work. But our funeral service was caught on video. It's pretty funny.

I remember crossing a river. With 6-8 of us pushing and pulling a loaded handcart through the water and stones, we couldn't make it. So we all (the older and stronger "pioneers") pulled together until one cart was across the river and then we turned around and worked on the next handcart. It was hard work. It was time consuming. But we felt so united. United to each other as we served alongside one another, and united with our ancestors who had blazed this incredible difficult trail for us.

Another day two uniformed men rode up to us on horseback. I remember Brother Thurgood calling himself Colonel Focker. Ha ha ha ha!! Everyone gasped and we all laughed. They called away all the "men" to fight in some battle or war. (These are the details I can't remember). We joked and laughed and waved a sad goodbye to our "Pas" and "Brothers" as they went off the fight. When the boys were gone, we girls and women were left to pull the handcarts. It was a little harder but no huge deal. Until we saw the mountain ahead of us we had to climb. Again, we worked together to push and pull one handcart at a time up that hill with a reverence for those women who had gone before us. Those incredible women. Soon after we began our bishopric arrived. They symbolized the help those women received from beyond the veil. We worked quietly, with tears streaming until each handcart was up the mountain. Later that night the boys and men returned and spoke of their experience watching us reverently from a distance, unable to help.

I don't remember much else from the Trek. There was a testimony meeting. We received letters from home. We cooked out own meals. We laughed and cried and gained an appreciation for the sacrifices made on our behalf by these courageous men and women.

What I thought over and over again today was what a shame it was that I wasn't recording these kinds of experiences for my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. I keep this blog and record all kinds of silly other things. But the truth is, I don't usually record things that are worth recording. The same can be said looking back at my junior high and high school journals. So today I'm recording what I can remember of a worthwhile experience and setting a personal goal to record these more often so that I can return and remember the feelings that I had that are truly worth remembering.

Hopefully I'll find time in the upcoming weeks to record some other experiences that I should have recorded years ago. My experiences at Nauvoo and in Palmyra New York. The day my family was sealed for time and eternity in the Mount Timanogas Temple. The incredible things I've learned through the spirit in the previous days and weeks and months and years in quiet moments of study and prayer. Unlike what I think of a popular tv show or what I've eaten that week, those are things worth recording and remembering.

Be careful what you wsh for!! :)

2009-07-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know. I hardly blog anymore. A) I realized I was spending WAY too much time on the computer and not enough time getting things done around the house or not spending enough time with my kids. And B) I've been insanely busy. Seriously.

So what have I been so busy with lately? Let me tell you. Weekend trips back and forth to family weddings in Utah, summer activities with the kids, cleaning, laundry, more cleaning, more laundry, some more cleaning, and you guessed it! Some more laundry.

And another reason I've been so busy? Remember this post here? Ha! Turns out I absolutely ADORED every second of teaching my sweet CTR8 class. I think those five kids were the absolute best in the primary. Literally. Everyone was jealous of my class. :)

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago the bishop called me into his office. They had just reorganized the RS Presidency and the YW presidencies. I assumed calling. And I hadn't been in the primary long so I thought it would just be something that I could do on top of my primary calling. The bishop asked me how I was doing and how my testimony was and then said, "Well, thanks. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

Huh. That was weird. I figured that must just be something the bishop here did to keep in touch with members of the ward. Well, a week later on Sunday afternoon the ward clerk called and asked if I could meet with the bishop that Tuesday. The bishop called Tuesday night and asked me if Jason was available to come along with him. Luckily he was off that week.

I sat across from the bishop thinking, "So it must be what I thought before. Calling. Maybe he was just...testing the waters at that last interview?"

Then the bishop asked me if I would accept a call to be the ward Primary President. Ha! I literally laughed in his face. Quite irreverently. After a moment I composed myself and just shook my head. "Okay. What do you want me to do first?"

INSANE!! I have gone through so many thoughts in the last few weeks. First, just wondering WHAT ON EARTH the Lord is thinking!! Then feeling humbled and realizing that there is much I need to learn from this experience. Overwhelming stress jumped in somewhere realizing all the work I had to do in the upcoming few weeks.

But most prevalently I have had an overwhelming knowledge that my Heavenly Father knows me. Each of us. He has given me an incredible opportunity to draw near to Him, something I had been praying for. (Obviously I didn't think THIS would be the answer!)

As I have knelt in prayer, attended the temple, and had hands laid on my head as worthy men who hold His priesthood pronounced profound blessings upon me, as well as each member of my new presidency, I have had witness born to me of my Heavenly Father's love for His children. Those in the Green River 5th Ward Primary as well as each of us.

I hope to never forget these feelings. I hope that the testimony I have now will only continue to be strengthened and that I will have continuous opportunities to share it with His children.

I know the Lord lives and loves us. I know that without the tiniest doubt. I know that he answers prayers in ways that are better than what we want for ourselves. He hears us and listens to us and comforts us. He wants us to grow near to Him. I know that the way to do this is through studying His word, praying diligently, and serving His children.

These are the things I want my children to know more than anything else. I hope that as they watch me try to do these things, imperfectly, that they will come to know and love their Savior and Father in Heaven. I hope that they will learn to search, ponder, pray, and serve. I hope that they will love. Love themselves, love their neighbors, and love their Father in Heaven and older brother, Jesus Christ. I hope they will know what I know. I hope they will feel these truths so deeply in their souls that they can never deny it.

I can never deny it.