my life...unplugged

Happy Grandparent's Day??

2012-02-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we were running some errands and I had the following conversation with Payson:

P: Mom, when is Granparent's Day?

M: I have no idea. Why?

P: (she says this very seriously and excitedly) Because if the Grandpa sees his shadow, then there are 4 more days of winter!

M: (laughing HARD) I think you mean Groundhog's Day. :) If he comes out and sees his shadow there are 6 more weeks of winter. And it's tomorrow.

Luckily, Payson has a good sense of humor and laughed at herself. And then we called my mom to share. I got a text from my mom this morning:

"Grandpa saw his shadow!"

We all laughed pretty hard. :) I love my sweet Payson.

Obsession!!

2012-01-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

After reading two financial books this month (Financial Peace Revisited and Total Money Makeover, both by Dave Ramsey, both HIGHLY recommended!) I needed a break! Not from reading, of course, but from reading so much seriousness. So I downloaded this to my Kindle:

And now I'm obsessed. I read it so fast and immediately downloaded the sequel, Catching Fire, today. I'm about 50 pages in already. And I'm hooked. I couldn't believe where the last book ended!! And I'm pretty nervous this one will leave me hanging as well. Grrr!

My sister's gave me exactly what I asked for for my birthday this year. A "sister date". :) They will be treating me to dinner (they're cooking!!) and a movie (my choice!!), just the three of us hanging out. Halfway through the book I called Madie, who's already read it, and told her that this was my movie choice! We'll have to wait until March, but I'm so excited!! I love the cast they've chosen and I'm so excited to watch!

Anyone else read this trilogy? What do you think?

Preparing for Baptism

2012-01-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

How did she go from this tiny little ball of preemie love...

...to this all grown up, smart, helpful, loving, amazing, beautiful 7 year old?!

(Payson opted for a family birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese instead of presents from mom and dad this year.)

Payson had her 7th birthday last week, which we think is a pretty special birthday. I guess 7 doesn't seem like a big deal in some families, but for us it's HUGE! Seven means that we have just one year to be sure we've done our jobs right and prepared her for baptism!! SCARY!!

Starting tonight we will be focusing our family home evenings on Payson. We'll be using the Preach My Gospel guide to prepare Payson for next year. We've gone through and broken the 5 lessons up with the small headings/sections in each and have about 35 lessons to teach between now and this time next year. (Which is perfect for us, since that leaves some extra weeks for when we have other activities planned, or we just plain old forget. It happens sometimes.)

I'm so excited to go through these lessons as a family. I'm excited to prepare them and learn from them and to watch our family learn together. I can't believe it will be leading up to my baby girl making her sacred baptism covenants! I get all emotional just thinking about it and it's still a year away!!

That Money Thing

2012-01-21T18:09:00.000-08:00

Since my last post I have found even more to do to educate myself as far as family finances go. I mentioned reading Financial Peace Revisited. Then I went on and read Total Money Makeover. Which I LOVED!! I highly recommend both books. Jason's about through with Financial Peace right now and when he gets back from his next rotation at work I'll be forcing him (insert evil laugh here) to read Total Money Makeover. But if you were to only read one of the two, I would have to suggest Total Money Makeover.

When I first learned about Dave Ramsey in 2010 I thought he was great! I was really excited about his methods and ideas. And I was desperate for someone to show me how to fix things.

After this month of reading and doing a lot of financial work, I'm a full on convert. I'm using his lingo in my every day. I'm talking anyone's ear off who will listen. I'm searching for things that I can do to be more "gazelle". :) Jason is also very on board, although I think he's getting just a tad tired of talking money all the time. Poor guy.

For the first time in our life we have a PLAN for our future. Not just hopes and dreams. We always talked about how "one day we'll _______". Now we have a very specific written plan. And I'm incredibly excited about all the things we're working on!

Unfortunately we still have to suffer some consequences of our past behaviors and choices. We've been saying we'd get out of debt and into a house "in the next year or two" for a couple of years now. We were hoping. Dreaming. That's what we wanted. But there was no real plan.

Now? We have a very clear plan. In a world where we could have what we want when we want we would be buying a house right this very second. But know we understand what we need to to do really be able to afford a house. One that we can have paid off in 10 years! Will we be able to buy it in a year or two? Nope. But that's okay! Because if everything goes according to plan, it will only be 3 or 4. Will it be a giant dream house? Nope. It will be modest. Small, even. :) But it will be ours!

We may not get rich and be taking cruises and tropical vacations any time soon, but the hope and peace I feel about our financial future is better than any vacation I can think of.

And the added bonus? Getting our finances in order seems to have a side effect. Other things are falling in order, too. Life isn't perfect, but it's looking pretty lovely right now!

So if anyone wants to yack for hours about money, shoot me an email or give me a call!

Enough is enough already!!

2012-01-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

I just started to type up a really long and personal post. And then I got to a part that felt familiar. And I realized that I had already written pretty much the exact same post! Ha!

That was over a year ago.

Wanna know how much debt we paid off in the last year?

A little.

Wanna know how much money we saved in the last year?

A little.

AHHHH!

(That's me screaming in frustration, in case you were wondering.)

A part of me is so bugged! WHY am I still doing this? Why haven't I learned my lesson?? Why didn't we end the year with more to show for it? More debt paid off? More savings?

Another part of me is trying to be proud. Proud that although we didn't do the best this year, we absolutely did BETTER! We learned something this last year and made some small changes. And changes are what we are after.

And now it's time to do even better!

I've already posted about all the icky sickies that have been around our house lately. So rather than waste the entire first week of the year sitting around being sick or helping sick kids, I found some useful things to do:

I re-read Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey in a weekend.

I started listening to the Financial Peace University lectures on my iTunes again.

I completely revamped our cash flow plan.

I completely revamped our cash flow plan again.

I squeezed every last drop of money I could from that dang cash flow plan.

Jason and I have had a few really good, really long conversations about money this week, about what we can do, what we're going to do, to be even better this year.

I've run the numbers. And when Jason gets home we're going to run the numbers again. And we're going to make a real commitment to be crazy strict this year and get rid of our debt by the end of the year.

It's going to be reeeeeeeally hard. It's going to take a lot of sacrifice. We had talked about taking the kids to Disneyland this year. And we still could. But we could also take that money and pay off more debt, delay our Disneyland trip by only a few months, and then when we go to Disneyland we can enjoy it DEBT FREE!

Is sacrificing a fun family vacation hard? Yes. But it's possible!! If we educate ourselves, discipline ourselves, and really implement the things we're learning, there is absolutely NO reason we can't do this.

Now I just need someone to teach me how to let go of the things I'm still attached to. Like expensive hair appointments, new clothes for the kids, and my stupid smart phone/data plan. If I can just get myself to let go of some silly STUFF I can shave off even more debt and build savings!

Happy Birthday Hubby!!

2012-01-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

This handsome guy turns 31 today!! Unfortunately he is doing it in Colorado with a bunch of dirty guys instead of here with his family who is missing him like crazy!

Love you a million, babe! Hope you have a great birthday! Well...at least as great as a birthday spent working away from your family can be. :)

How many times can I use the title "Sick of Being Sick" on my blog?

2012-01-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

Because I'm pretty sure I've used that title in the past.

Oh well! I'm using it again!

We've been slammed with the icky sickies the last several weeks here. Jack started us off with just a bad cough/cold.

Then I got it next. But it was WAY worse. I started feeling like maybe I was coming down with a cold the Tuesday evening before Christmas and by the time I woke up I was plastered to the couch with an awful sore throat and the kind of cough that feels like you're being stabbed in the chest incessantly. I rarely go to the doctor, but after one day of that I made an appointment.

And guess what the doc said? "You have a cold. Go home and rest." Lame. It was a new doctor. And he was lazy. I didn't like him. I will never go back to him ever. I've never had a good doctor. Anyone have a doc they recommend?

Anyway, I suffered through Christmas. And finally started feeling slightly better this weekend. Almost two weeks after it started. I still have a slight cough and some congestion, but I feel almost back to normal which is GREAT!

Problem is, Lucas got sick over the weekend. :( Anyone who is around him long is usually very surprised by his demeanor. He literally never cries unless he gets hurt or he is scared/startled. And even then it lasts about 12 seconds. If that. When he is hungry or needs to be changed or is tired he will just talk/complain. It's actually pretty funny. He just does this whiny jabber thing to let us know he needs something. Otherwise he is all smiles all the time. He is a very low maintenance baby and has just brought us so much joy.

This was not the case over the weekend. He started getting really fussy in the middle of the night. He was even crying in his sleep like he wasn't feeling well. When he woke up his voice was hoarse and he had a really bad cough. My dad and brother gave him a priesthood blessing. And I got him in to the doctor yesterday.

Unlike the doctor I saw, I ADORE our pediatrician. He's amazing. He asked lots of questions checked Lucas out. The verdict? Bronchitis. Croup. And an ear infection! This is the first ear infection in any of my children. I know they are common for a lot of kids, but we've never had them. And apparently Lucas's little throat was very swollen and narrow. :( Luckily, he was still able to breathe and didn't need to be hospitalized. He was given an antibiotic for the infection and a steroid for the rest. And after 24 hours of meds he is acting MUCH more like himself! Which is wonderful, because I missed that gummy smile with those two tiny teeth. :)

As a side note, giving oral liquid medicine to an exclusively breastfed baby is not an easy thing. Last night my mom helped me hold his arms out of the way while I pinched his little cheeks and squirted the stuff in the back of his mouth/throat. He still only got about half of it swallowed. It took me 45 minutes to get the stuff in him this morning and most of it ended up being spit out again. I finally got smart tonight. I would squirt a little on the back of his mouth/throat and then quickly give him his binki! After a second we'd repeat it and the binki would get him to swallow. Hardly any spilling and it took me about 5 minutes! Yay!! This may not seem like a big deal to many, and maybe it was an obvious solution, but after the week we've had with the illnesses and not having Jason here to help out, it was reeeeeeally nice to have something go easy.

What are you doing New Year's Eve??

2011-12-29T13:28:00.001-08:00

I'm planning a big party...assuming I can stop coughing long enough to invite anyone. :)

It doesn't matter how sick I am. This song will always make me smile. And this version of this song makes me super duper happy!!

I'm guessing my neighbors hate me right now.

2011-12-28T23:39:00.001-08:00

I can't sleep. I'm up hacking my freaking brains out. I can't stop coughing for the life of me. Pretty sure the neighbors can hear me. Somehow my kids are sleeping through it, which is sort of a miracle.

I got sick the week before Christmas. I was plastered to the couch for a few days. It was pretty bad. Congestion, chest pain, coughing, sore and swollen throat. Miserable. I finally got up and took myself to the doctor. Who told me that I had a cold and there was nothing he could do. Grrrrr.

And I'm breastfeeding. Which means there's not much I can take. And what I've taken isn't working. So I'm up at almost one in the morning typing a whiney blog post about it.

Now I'm going to go back to watching crap tv (because there's nothing good on at one in the morning) and coughing because there's nothing more to say or do about it. :(

See Mother, Funny Funny Mother

2011-12-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

We have a book of Christmas stories to count down to Christmas. I made it one year at a Relief Society activity. On December 1st we replace our usual bedtime stories with the stories from this Christmas book. Some stories explain Christmas traditions and symbols, some speak of the true meaning of Christmas, and others are simple, silly anecdotes.

I forget the stories every year until I'm reading them again. It's fun to feel like you're reading a new story every year. The following is one of my very favorites in the book. Mostly because of it's accuracy. This is exactly how I feel just before Christmas. :)

See Mother, Funny Funny Mother

Author Unknown

See Mother laugh. Mother is happy.

Mother is happy about Christmas.

Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.

Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time.

Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother smile. Mother is happy.

The shopping is all done. See the children watch TV.

Watch, children, watch.

See the children change their minds.

See them ask for different toys.

Look, look. Mother is not smiling.

Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother sew.

Mother will make dresses.

Mother will make robes.

Mother will make shirts.

See Mother put the zipper in wrong.

See mother sew the dress on the wrong side.

See Mother cut the skirt too short.

See Mother put the material away until January.

Loo, look. See Mother take a tranquilizer.

Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts.

See Mother buy candied pineapple and powdered sugar.

See Mother buy flour and dates and spices,

And pecans and brown sugar and bananas.

Look, look. Mother is mixing everything together,

See the children press out cookies.

See the flour on their elbows.

See the cookies burn. See the cake fall.

See the children pull taffy. See Mother pull her hair.

See Mother clean the kitchen with the garden hose.

Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother wrap presents.

See Mother look for the end of the scotch tape roll.

See Mother bite her fingernails. See Mother go.

See Mother go to the store 12 times in one hour.

Go Mother go. See Mother go faster. Run Mother run.

See Mother trim the tree.

See Mother have a party.

See Mother make popcorn.

See Mother wash the walls.

See Mother scrub the rug.

See Mother tear up the organized plan.

See Mother forget gift for Uncle Harold.

See Mother get hives.

Go Mother go.

See the faraway look in Mother's eyes.

Mother has become disorganized.

Mother has become disoriented.

Funny, funny Mother.

It is finally Christmas morning.

See the happy family.

See Father smile. Father is happy.

Smile Father smile.

Father loves fruit cake.

Father loves Christmas pudding.

Father loves all the new neckties.

Look, look. See the happy children.

See the children's toys.

Santa was very good to the children.

The children will remember this Christmas.

See Mother. Mother is slumped in a chair.

Mother is crying uncontrollably.

Mother does not look well.

Mother has ugly dark circles under her bloodshot eyes.

Everyone helps Mother to her bed.

See Mother sleep quietly under heavy sedation.

See Mother smile.

Funny, funny Mother.

Grrrrr.

2011-12-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and realized I my favorite water bottle out in the car. I sip on water from my bottle all day long. So I asked Jason to run out and grab it for me. Because he's the nicest husband in the world.

When he brought my water bottle back in he also let me know that someone had stolen some things from out car. Rude! But kind of our fault. We got home from running errands last night and parked the car in our uncovered spot (we usually park in the covered spot) and left the car unlocked because I planned on running back out for some things without children after I'd fed the baby. And then I got tired and decided those things could wait until morning. We forgot about the car and left it unlocked. Oops!

Luckily, the car is old and we don't keep anything terribly valuable in it. They took an adapter cord thingamajiger and our GPS. The GPS was the most expensive thing, but really, we rarely use it anymore. Our stereo is so old it's been going out randomly lately, so had they tried to take it (which they did, but apparently left it behind) we would have laughed that they stole our broken stereo.

We're not too upset over the lost goods. More annoyed that someone felt the need to steal. But hopefully someone is going to have a lovely Christmas with a new to them old GPS and an adapter cord!

Twinners!!

2011-12-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

I have never had two children who I could dress the same. Until today!

Lucas's 3-6 month clothes were getting snug and while I was putting some laundry away this morning I found his 6-9 month clothes. I decided to try them on now, assuming they'd be too big still, but they aren't. I immediately put him in the outfit that Jack had put on that morning. SO CUTE!!

I just love my boys. They are so different and so fun! Jack is my wild, energetic, crazy boy. Lucas is calm and peaceful and quiet...most of the time. :) But they are such good brothers already. Jack can make Lucas laugh at almost anything he does. I can see how much Lucas loves his big brother every time he looks at him.

ACK! I just can't get over how much I love my boys!!!!!

Cute Baby, Cute Toes

2011-12-10T18:44:00.001-08:00

Lucas fell asleep like this playing on the floor earlier today. Holding his toes. Man, I love that sweet boy!!!

A New Blog

2011-12-09T10:34:00.001-08:00

I started another blog. I think this is like the fifth one I've started. Yep. I just went and counted. Fifth blog.

First I had the family blog. Which is really just my space.

Then I added a blog for Payson. I had plans for it that never panned out. I imagined starting a blog for each kid, blogging every great moment in their lives, and then turning it into a book for them every year. Ha! In theory, it was a fun idea. But it's just never going to happen.

Then I started a recipe blog. Which I actually love. I loved sharing recipes. But I just got busy and haven't been posting on for, well, years.

Fourth, I started a blog to document trying to get healthy. But it just stopped working after a while. I got pregnant and miscarried and pregnant and miscarried...well, you know the story. And my health just took a back seat for about 2 years. Sad.

So now I'm doing that again. Another healthy blog. This time for real. I've been posting on it for a little while and am really enjoying having a place to share what I'm doing and what's working for me. That way I can leave this blog for family stuff and no one who doesn't want to hear about all the stuff I'm doing to lose weight has to read about it.

Join me over there! It's my place to be accountable. It's my place to (hopefully) help others in my shoes do what I'm doing. And maybe when others start reading it it will be a great place for me to find encouragement and motivation as well. Hope to see you there!!

Rewards

2011-12-08T19:41:00.001-08:00

To keep myself motivated to lose all this weight I am giving myself "rewards" for every ten pounds I lose. The first reward for the first ten pounds was a new workout wardrobe. For hitting twenty pounds down I treated myself to a manicure and a pedicure today.

And it was wonderful!! The last time I had a manicure was....couldn't tell ya. I have no idea when the last time my fingernails were even painted was. And my last pedicure was before Lucas was born. So these were both very much needed!! And they're all sparkly and festive and I feel so pretty!!

A Little Random

2011-12-05T10:11:00.001-08:00

Lucas has been rolling from tummy to back for two months, but he has just started rolling from back to tummy in the last week! It doesn't happen too often and I haven't caught it on video quite yet, but it's so fun! And it's super fun to watch how excited the other kids get when they see him on his side ready to roll. :)

Here he is all snuggled up in his cute sock monkey hat. He fell asleep in his seat while we were out running errands so we just left him to sleep in his seat when we got home. He was just too cute sleeping there when we checked on him! Oh I could just eat him!!

I just wasn't feeling Christmas after Thanksgiving. It was weird. I'm usually super anxious to get everything out and start celebrating. But I just wasn't for whatever reason this year. And then I went shopping and got my tree up and decorated. Now Christmas is in full swing!

And I'm loving my tree this year! It makes me smile every time I look at it. We've been listening to lots of the Grinch, Chipmunks Mickey's Twelve Days of Christmas, and Polar Express soundtracks with the tree lit up. The kids love it! And for mom, a little A Very She and Him Christmas, Harry Connick, Jr., the Carpenters, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra. My faves. :)

In other random news, I've lost over 20 pounds recently! I'm actually down almost 50 pounds from my highest weight while pregnant with Lucas. I'm super close to my pre-pregnancy weight, although I have a LOOOOONG ways to go to reach my goal. I'll have to post soon about everything I'm doing. Because it seems to be working really well!! :)

And for now, that is all. I'm going to go play a game with Jack while I snuggle my baby boy. I love playing with my boys. :) Makes me miss my girl and wish she was here to play with us!

Never Again...

2011-11-18T10:43:00.000-08:00

...will I attempt a Twilight midnight movie. Or any midnight movie to be honest.

I read all the books. I enjoyed all the books. Okay, that's not entirely true. I really liked book one, loved book two, book three was fine, and I HATED book four. Like loathed it. It ruined the whole thing for me. But whatever.

When the movies started to come out I wanted to see them, but I just wasn't that excited. Movies are ridiculously overpriced in my opinion, and these were just not worth paying for. I think they got most of the casting wrong. Anyway, I decided to just wait and rent the movies later for $1 or less. (Yay free redbox codes!)

The first time I watched them I was annoyed. I was busy scrutinizing what they did differently from the books and why I didn't like that actor as that character. When I watched them the second time I relaxed a bit and enjoyed them about as much as possible for me. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch them again, but they were fine. (Twi-hards, please don't kill me. I'm sorry these movies just weren't my thing.)

So when my cousin texted me about going with a big group to the midnight premier of Breaking Dawn Part 1, I thought twice before agreeing. Ultimately I decided that the experience of a midnight movie and acting 15 again with a bunch of girls would be fun and worth it, even if the movie was awful.

Turns out it was just a bad idea. I knew I would need to take Lucas because he could wake up to eat, and he's still nursing, so Jason just wasn't going to be able to handle that on his own. ;) When we got to the theater Lucas was out. He's such a good baby. He didn't make a peep at all. And we've been to movies before. He's so good. He actually has just sat on my lap and watched the screen. He loves it!

And then the lights dimmed. And the freaking Twi-Hards started screaming. And I was stupid and joined in the fun, mocking the idiots. And then my baby started screaming. :( He was so scared! I tried as fast as I could to calm him down before the Twi-Hards attacked me for disturbing their precious shirtless-Jacob moment. And he just wasn't having it. So I picked up my diaper bag, my mom's car keys (we carpooled) and my baby and climbed over the row of crazy fans and left.

I got Lucas calmed down and fed him and then tried to figure out what to do. Should I just go back in and enjoy the rest of the movie? But that required climbing back over all those people on our row (why were we in the middle?!) and then if the screaming started again (which I'm sure would have happened the second that pasty white vampire showed up) and Lucas flipped again I would have to shuffle with all my gear past those people again. I just didn't want to ruin anyone else's experience.

But who wants to sit outside a movie theater for two hours with a baby? I couldn't just take the car and drive home. How would my mom and aunt get home? And I had left Lucas's carseat in the theater. Dang it! I wasn't going to climb over everyone to get the seat and then climb back over them with it, all the while carrying a diaper bag and baby. Ugh.

Solution? Get comfy in Mom's Mercedes (with those yummy heated seats) and fall asleep with the babe. Sigh. Around two I woke up to tapping on the window. We drove home, I got in my car and drove home, making it before 3 am. Finally home in my comfy bed where I should have just been sleeping the last 5 hours.

Grrrr. I lost precious sleep for nothing. My own fault and no one else's. Lesson learned. Never take a 4 month old (how is he that big already?!) to a midnight movie with screaming hoards of crazies. And don't join in. Curse you, mob mentality! Next time, I will savor the gift of each and every minute of sleep instead.

So what if it means I'm kind of old now and can't hack the late night? It also means that I am blessed to be a mommy to three beautiful blessings. And today is definitely one of those every-time-I-look-at-you-all-I-can-think-about-is-how-much-I-love-you-and-it-makes-me-want-to-cry kind of days. :) So much better than a Twilight movie!

Trick-or-Treat!!

2011-11-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

I figured that since it's nearly Thanksgiving I'd better hurry up and blog Halloween! First up, on Halloween we headed to Payson's school for the costume parade. Jason was in charge of the camera. And this is what we get:

Ha ha ha! There's her backside. :) Wondering what she is? We'll get to that in a minute.

Next is the world's CUTEST white rabbit! I'm sure everyone looks at this picture and sees "bunny". But a) bunny just seems too feminine for a little guy, and b) we have a theme here. You'll see.

So here's the theme. My adorable Mad Hatter and Alice, from the "real" Alice in Wonderland. (You know, the one with Johnny Depp.)

Jack's costume was so fun! We had the outfit, the wig, the eyebrows, the make up! And he loved it...but ripped the wig and eyebrows off the second I put the camera down. :) They were too itchy. He still looked great without them though!

Payson was so annoyed when she came home from school. Everyone thought she was Cinderella. The blue dress, I guess. But Cinderella didn't have those gloves! Geez, people! Pay attention! ;)

And here is my whole Alice in Wonderland cast. Mad Hatter, Alice, and the White Rabbit. Get it? We considered a vest and a pocket watch to make Lucas's costume a little more obvious, but I just got lazy and didn't look for one.

And this picture cracks me up! My sister, Madie, helped out by holding Lucas in the photos. She kept doing this and I couldn't figure out why. She said she was trying to stay out of the pictures. When I showed her how ridiculous she looked we had a pretty good laugh.

We did all our traditional Halloween stuff. Peanut butter chocolate kiss cookies, taco soup at my mom's (she even made it meat-free this year!), trick-or-treating in my parents' neighborhood pulled on the trailer behind my dad's four wheeler. Lucas and I hung out on the trailer while the kiddos ran from house to house collecting candy. How cute is this snugly bunny?? I could just eat him up!!

And last, a shot of the kids collecting their sugary loot. I was too lazy to get any closer. It was so comfy on that trailer!

Happy Halloween! Now the Halloween decorations are all put away and the Fall/Thanksgiving decor is up and ready. Pretty soon it will be time to bust out the Christmas decor. Crazy!! I love this time of year!

P.S. Since we've added Lucas to the family I no longer have enough stockings. Of course they all have to match, so I ordered new ones today. And they're beautiful!! I can't wait for them to come so I can hang them up!!!!

2011-11-09T18:51:00.000-08:00

This is what my cell phone wallpaper looks like:

Those bright blue eyes with the deep creases and that big gummy smile always melt my heart! There are about a million reasons that I love that face (and the faces of his older brother and sister), but there is one main reason. This:

The fact that my baby boy looks just like his daddy. The fact that my babies are his babies. The fact that I am his. The fact that I get to spend eternity with that face. :)

I am so in love with my husband. I still ache for him when he's gone and get butterflies in my stomach when he comes home. I was so in love with him when we started dating almost 8 years ago. I remember thinking there was no way I could love him any more. But I do. I love him so, so much more!

When we were dating I remember "heart attack"-ing his Rodeo while he was at work one day. I had cut out a whole bunch of little hearts and written something I loved about him on each one. There were a LOT of hearts. :) But I was thinking about those hearts last night and about how many more I could add now! Maybe one of these days I'll add those new hearts to his journal (because that's where he taped all the hearts from when we were dating). :)

During our life together over the last several years he has given me countless reasons to love him. He is not a perfect man. He is not a perfect husband or father. But he spends every day trying to be better. He puts my and the kids' needs above his own way more often than not. He lives to make me happy.

Even with all of his imperfections, I feel like he gives me plenty to live up to as a spouse and partner. I hope I make him as happy as he makes me. Because he deserves it!

I'm so glad my Father in Heaven allowed my life to follow a path that led me to him. I love Jason more than I ever thought it was possible to love. He's such an incredible man and I'm so lucky to be his!!

Planking Makes Me Laugh. Hard.

2011-11-04T16:46:00.001-07:00

I probably learned about planking late in the game, but found it stupid...and terribly amusing. My kids learned about planking even later in the game (last night). They found it hilarious.

I think I watched them for nearly two hours last night trying to find every place possible to plank. They thought they were pretty funny. And I have to admit, they really were. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt!

Jack planking on the couch.

Jack planking on my desk. Payson planking on Jack.

Both kids planking on the stairs outside our place.

I sent a few of these photos from my phone to some family and friends last night and we all got a seriously good laugh. And then I got a few photos back. Like my sisters secretly planking in the bathroom at someone else's house. Or a friend's hubby planking on the school floor while waiting for parent teacher conferences. Ha ha ha ha!! I about died.

So if you're bored or sad and need a good laugh, consider planking. It's excellent for the stomach muscles!!

Date Night

2011-10-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

We haven't been on a date in MONTHS. Seriously. First, because I was just so huge and miserable. I really would not have been any fun on a date. And then because I was recovering and everyone was adjusting. And then life was just busy there for a little bit. But we finally made the time tonight. Our first sitter in sooooooo long. It's probably been over four months. WAY too long! I love my hubby. So glad we got to be boyfriend and girlfriend again for a night! :)

Fall Festivities!!

2011-10-26T09:12:00.001-07:00

So far October has been such a fun month! We kicked it off with a fabulous Conference Weekend spent with good food, great talks, and the best company in the world! LOVE my family!! :)

We've been taking lots of walks lately. I love the cooler weather! And we've attempted to document the pretty colors we've been enjoying. Unfortunately we just haven't splurged for a nice camera yet, so these pictures don't do any of those leaves justice.

This is my favorite mountain anywhere. I love seeing it's snow dusted peaks. I can't describe the nostalgia I feel in words. My family lives right there in those colorful foothills. I have memories of high school, dates, family reunions, girls camps, and all sorts of things in those mountains. And now I'm getting to create more wonderful memories there with my little family. Love it!!

Here are my happy boys on one of our recent walks. Poor Payson is always in school and rarely gets to join us. :(

Some of the pretty fall colors down the street from our home.

We've also enjoyed the indoors this month! Cuddling up in mom's bed every morning or snuggling on the couch for family movie nights. So far we've watched Nightmare Before Christmas, Scared Shrekless, and Monsters vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins from Outerspace! Up next, my personal favorite, Hocus Pocus!!

We've baked yummy treats! (I may have eaten 3 on Monday night after Family Home Evening. Oops!)

We've shopped for warmer clothes!! Including cute matching church clothes for my boys. I love having twinners now. :)

We carved pumpkins the other night for Family Home Evening! We always let the kiddos choose what they want to carve and then Jason and I end up doing all the work. :) But that's okay! We have fun!

Payson chose Rapunzel from Tangled and Jack chose Phinaes from Phinaes and Ferb (which he is obsessed with lately!)

Here they are all lit up!!

Lucas was there too. I promise. He just chilled in his bouncer and stared at us while we carved. :)

Here are Jason and I, posing with our works of art. Please pardon all the cleavage. I'm already a busty lady, but add nursing to the mix and there are always runaway boobies!! Very scary! Completely appropriate for Halloween, no?

And just for fun, that dining room doesn't look the same at all anymore!! We've had that crappy little less-than-$100-Walmart dining set for way too long! The cheap upholstered seats were stained and disgusting and the table was falling apart. Jason frequently had to drill new holes in the bottom of the table to keep the top on! Sad. And super embarrassing when we had company. And SMALL! This family of 5 was starting to feel cramped! So we got a lovely new set that was delivered this morning.

Ahh! Much better! Plenty of room to sit four, even 6 comfortably. And a leaf to add two more. And prettier, don't you think?

And last, we headed to Hee Haw Farms for some family fun! The kids have been dying to go for a while. We even had plans to go with friends one evening and we ended up not being able to make it. They've been begging to go ever since. So we finally made the trip last night.

First we made friends with a cute floppy eared bunny.

Then we posed with some ginormous pumpkins. The older two were definitely in the mood to ham it up for the camera yesterday.

Jack made friends with a chicken. Rooster? I don't know. Either way, they had some pretty intense conversations. :)

The admission cost of Hee Haws is totally worth their petting zoo alone. They just let you go right in with the animals and hang out for as long as you want. There were goats, pigs, sheep, cows, chickens and roosters, ducks, and bunnies. There were horses too, but they were in a much muckier coral. Lots of poop. We decided not to venture there.

This little goat was SUPER friendly! First, he escaped when we were entering the pen. Jason had to chase him down. He was finally cornered in a corn box (like a sand box, but with corn). He followed us around the pen while we pet the animals. He even jumped up on Payson at one point! Harmless as could be, but it startled Payson and she screamed and then laughed. :)

This chicken/rooster/hen/bird dude would follow us around as well. But wouldn't let us catch him! I tried but I was too chicken (get it?) of getting pecked. Ha ha! Jason made fun of me, but then he couldn't grab it either.

Jack had a good stare down with this big, old ram.

Then Jack crashed Payson's photo to continue his stare down.

They had grain sack slides. I know I cut the kids off at the bottom, but their faces coming down cracked me up!

Lucas was great for the first little bit. Then he got fussy and cold. So I fed him and he went right to sleep. He enjoyed the rest of the afternoon/evening tucked cosily into his stroller. :)

There were too many of these for the kids to pose in. I have so many pictures of them making ridiculous faces behind some big painted board.

We found the giant pigs later. They were pretty big! There were too large mamas who were very friendly...and noisy!

And back behind them were the sweetest little piglets! They were sleeping in a pile, trying to stay warm. It was the cutest!!

We also checked out the tractors.

And took a ride on Lacy the pony.

We finished up the night buying some Indian corn and tiny gourds to bring home. The kids are so proud of their little bitty pumpkins in their rooms. Or as Jack calls them, "punkins". :)

Fall has been fun so far for us! We can't wait to finish it up with Halloween parties, costume parades, chili cook offs, and of course, trick-or-treating! I'm sure there will be plenty more photos to come! I love this time of year!!!!

Pretty People...and other random musings.

2011-10-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

Jason and I have determined that we are not the prettiest, not the ugliest, people. We're just somewhere in the middle. Our kids, however, are another story entirely!!

This picture doesn't even do them justice. Look at my handsome boys in their cute matching ties?! Ah!! I LOVE IT! And Payson's dress is to die for. Really, I wish I had a better picture. But this is what you get on a Sunday morning when you're running out the door for church. Payson holding a binky, Lucas falling asleep, and Jack...why is his hand on Lucas's head like that?? Ha ha ha! Seriously can't get enough of these kiddos of mine. My sweet little family is just full of my very favorite people.

And while I'm mentioning my favorite people, let's just check out this handsome hunk!!

Sorry, ladies. He's all mine! Yes, you should definitely be jealous. Aside from his stunning good looks, this week alone he has surprised me with flowers, cleaned bathrooms, helped me with laundry, and he is currently washing the dishes. Aren't you just green with envy?!

And just for fun, let's throw these into this post. The kids and I made cupcakes. I decorated the first dozen and let the kids go crazy with the rest. Can you tell which ones are mine?? ;)

Hope you're all having a lovely Sunday!!

Perfect??

2011-10-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

That one word alone has a million thoughts running through my mind. So much I could write about. But today, I had a near "perfect" day. Meaning I had a loooong list of things to get done. And I got all but two things crossed off of that list. This was a great accomplishment.

But does crossing everything off of my list make today perfect? Heavens no! What made today perfect was the walk I took with my boys this morning. It was smiling and cooing with Lucas. It was watching Jack build sandcastles at the park. It was reading story after story after story after story. It was talking to my beautiful daughter about her day at school. It was sitting down to dinner together. It was a fun Family Home Evening full of laughing and love. It was more stories. It was family prayer. It was hugs and kisses. It was leaving the to do list for a few minutes here and there to do what matters.

Sure, I could have had a "perfect day" and crossed ALL of the items off of my to do list, if I had wanted to. But instead, I chose to spend my time with these three little fishies.

And I really had a PERFECT day.

Thanks!

2011-10-16T17:20:00.001-07:00

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and advice. Really, I pretty much made up my mind just typing out that post on becoming vegetarian or not. But the comments you left pushed me right over the edge. I just went for. I typed that all up on Monday. I coincidentally hadn't eaten any meat that day and haven't since. And after one week of being vegetarian again, I can tell you I don't plan on going back. Not only have I felt a MILLION times better, but I've lost 6 1/2 pounds. In a week! And I've eaten out! I've eaten treats! I even had pizza two nights in a row! Ha ha ha! I've really just eaten normal healthy meals and made smart choices and the pounds have melted right off. Now I just need to add in some exercise and I'll be burning through the pounds like crazy!!

Realistically, I know my weight loss slows down to a normal rate of 1-2 pounds per week after the first week or two, but it still feels good to see that initial big drop. And it feels good to know that this is my life this time. I'm not just trying this out to see if I can do it. I'm making a real choice to live this way forever. Which makes this so much easier than a stupid old diet. And I'm going to have to start blogging more of my vegetarian recipes since so many people have asked me for them. And if any of you come across any good ones, be sure to share!!

Screen Bucks!!

2011-10-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

We are not big television watchers. We love it too much. So to keep us from watching too much we just don't get cable. We had limited basic in Wyoming simply because it was the only way to get decent internet.

Now in our new place we get free cable. Not a million channels, but quite a few more than we've had in the past. And we ALL enjoy it. The kids love having Disney and Nick Jr. playing shows for them all day long. Jason loves that we have multiple ESPN channels. And I enjoy a whole slew of reality tv, Law and Order reruns, the food network and HGTV, and anything Oprah produced. :)

Having been miserably huge and tired this summer, and then having a newborn, we just got into the habit of watching WAY too much tv! And if it wasn't the tv it was the computer. And sometimes it was both simultaneously. While also playing games on the ipod or phones.

So for Family Home Evening this week I decided to talk to the kiddos about our screen time. We all agreed that EVERYONE in the family was guilty of spending way too much time in front of a screen of some kind. I asked the kids why this might not be such a good thing and they had tons of great ideas. So we decided to all try to cut back and created our own little way to manage our screen time.

I'm a good mom. Nothing spectacular. I make mistakes just like everyone else, but I do my best and I love my kids. And then every now and then I have moments of pure GENIUS!!

We made "Screen Bucks"! Screen bucks are "money" that can be traded for screen time. Each one is worth five minutes in front of a screen of your choice. They are received for doing chores without whining or being asked, doing something extra kind, and as general rewards throughout our day. And they work like magic!!

Not only have they helped us to significantly decrease our screen time, but they are helping to encourage good behavior all day as well! I love it! They are working so well for our family. Let's just hope their magic doesn't wear off anytime soon, because these moments of genius don't come to me quite often enough! :)

To be or not to be...?

2011-10-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

A vegetarian. That is the question. And it's been on my mind for a looong time. Like, a couple of years. You see, in early 2009 I decided to experiment a little. I wanted to try going meatless. Just for a while. Just to see if I could do it. I'd been raised on chicken or beef or fish every night but I'd seen my dad go meatless (although he did eat fish) a couple of times for about a year or so. He was so healthy during that time and I wanted to know if I could do it and become as healthy.

I had also just finished reading the book Eat to Live, which advocates a vegan lifestyle. It really just promotes healthy living, and has so many choices for meat eaters. But ideally promotes vegan or vegetarianism. The book was actually really fascinating. And then I'd prayerfully studied Doctrine and Covenants 89 and wanted to follow it's counsel of eating meat sparingly, in winter and times of famine.

So I did. And at first it was hard. Partly because I missed meat in certain foods. (Like spaghetti. I don't like spaghetti without meat sauce. And chili took some time to get used to without the ground beef.) And partly because I just didn't know what to eat instead. It took some time to build up a stash of recipes that I enjoyed that didn't contain meat. But eventually it got easier and I actually found that I felt amazing! I loved it! I had so much more energy and I was dropping pounds like crazy! I felt incredible! I was probably the healthiest I'd ever been in my entire life. Ever.

But after a while it wasn't super convenient and I sort of just gave up after a few months. And I found myself not enjoying meat at all.

Fast forward about two and a half years...and I'm still wondering why I'm not a vegetarian. I'm more unhealthy than I've ever been, I have little to no energy, and I am always wondering if I should just go back to being a vegetarian.

So I'm weighing out the pros and cons on my blog. And I'm going to ask for your opinions and advice. Not for whether or not YOU should become a vegetarian. But whether or not I should. Because I know most of you don't want to give up your meat. And I don't mind that at all! I wouldn't be doing this because of some moral high ground I've landed on, but because it works best for ME.

Here it goes. Pros. This is the easy list.

*I feel healthier.

*I have more energy.

*I make healthier choices.

*I lose weight quickly and consistently.

*I eat out less simply because there are fewer options.

*I don't have to pay for pricey meat.

*I never have to wait for meat to thaw!

*I feel proud of myself for being dedicated to something.

*And, (here's a TINY little soapbox moment) although I do believe that animals are here for the benefit of man, I think MOST meat eaters are completely irresponsible about it. No one cares where there meat comes from or how it was treated, so long as it comes and at the right price. So we end up inadvertently promoting cruelty to animals and ingesting meat that is pumped full of all kinds of gross chemicals. I don't think most people make educated decisions about where they get their meat or how much meat they eat or anything. I could go on and on about this one. But the basic pro here is that I do feel good morally about not eating meat. (I hope that didn't come off as completely judgmental.)

And the Cons list. Much more complicated.

*I do have several vegetarian recipes now, but not as many as I'd like.

*There are certain things I don't like or won't eat. Like TVP or tofu. Just not a fan. And fake meats. I don't like the idea of fake foods, plus they're processed and not super healthy. So I'll have a veggie burger or whatever rarely. But most vegetarian recipes contain one of these items. This makes it hard for me to get enough protein sometimes. I love beans so I eat lots. And when I go veg, I don't go vegan. I'm just not ready to give up milk and eggs and cheese yet. Although I do buy free range eggs, etc. But my main sources of protein are beans, lentils, and eggs which doesn't provide as much variety as I'd like some days.

*It is really difficult to be a vegetarian when you have to cook for family members who are not. The kids will pretty much eat whatever I give them, but it's hard for them to give up certain things that they love, like hot dogs and pepperoni. And Jason is super supportive, but he also likes meat every now and then. I do make certain meals where they get meat and I skip it. Like fajitas. I love to just pile on the beans and onions and bell peppers and then I cook up some chicken or something on the side for the fam. But it's still hard.

*Meat centered holidays. Thanksgiving. I can eat plenty of the other good stuff and just skip the turkey. But there are also meaty barbecues in the summer. And our traditional Easter meal has always been ham. You get the idea.

*And last, dinner parties. Not that we have them often. But whenever we are invited to eat somewhere else, the main dish is always meat. So either I eat just the sides (which is usually not super filling) or I have to tell someone what to cook when they've invited me over for dinner. And I'm just not comfortable with that.

Those are the main points, at least. And there are more pros than cons for me, for sure. I'm pretty sure I've made up my mind, just from writing all of this out. But I'm still interested in your advice and opinions. Or tips if you have them!!

Today Makes Me Happy :)

2011-10-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

It's October 1st, my parents' 29th anniversary. I'm so grateful to them for working so hard to show me what a good marriage is. They have provided me with a feeling of safety and peace and showed me a wonderful example of how an imperfect, but awesome marriage works. I just love them!!

It's also the month for Halloween and Fall festivities and corn mazes and pumpkin patches and the beginning of a season full of traditions and family get togethers! I LOVE this time of year!!

(I couldn't find my pictures from Halloween last year, so these are the year before. First up, our Scooby-Doo jack-o-lantern. Then my cute kiddos in their Halloween costumes, Dorothy and the Scarecrow! And last, me and my cute babies on a tractor ride at Cornbelly's at Thanksgiving Point. We have gone every year since Payson was about 1 1/2. Can't wait to go this year!!)

Last night we took the kids to the Build-A-Bear store, the out to dinner, and finally to see the Lion King in 3D. It was such a fun night as a family!! And the kids really had a blast! Unfortunately, Jack has found an interest in my camera lately so when I pulled it out to document the night the batteries were dead. :( But during all that fun I ate out at California Pizza Kitchen AND ate a candy bar at the movie. LUCKILY, I was smart and checked out nutritional information first. And because of loseit.com I knew how many calories I should stick to for the day. I planned wisely,came in under my calorie budget, and when I woke up and weighed myself this morning I had lost another pound! Woot woot!! Of course, that only added to my happiness today.

And last, today is General Conference. I can't wait to listen to the words our prophet and apostles and leaders have prepared for us. I can't wait to feel the spirit so strongly in my home. I can't wait to listen to the beautiful music. And let's be honest, I can't wait to lounge around in my pajamas all weekend with my family!! :)

So today is just a great day. Now I'm off to make whole wheat (nutritious AND delicious because they're from Lehi Roller Mills!) pancakes with fresh fruit and whipped cream and enjoy my family. Conference Bingo, anyone? Happy October! Hope you have a good one!!

Lost It!!

2011-09-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

:) Down five pounds in week one! Yay! Although I ended up having pizza for lunch today. Hopefully the rest of this week will be better!!

Lose It!

2011-09-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of your thoughts on the exercise thing. I was actually really relieved to hear that I should NOT sacrifice sleep. I wondered if I was just being a wuss. But it really feels like giving up even an extra 30 minutes of sleep is just too much. So I'm going to try some of the other ideas you've given me and see how I do! At the very least I can get out and go for a walk most days. I just need to make that happen.

In other news, I read about a new website on this blog and decided to try it. Turns out, I love it! I've been using it for 2 whole days now and I'm hooked! Lose It! is free and it totals up your calorie intake for the day. I like that it lets me know how many I have consumed and how much I have left to make planning future meals a little easier. And I really like the fact that you add friends and can see each other's meals and calories and goals, etc. It's a great way for friends to keep each other motivated and get ideas on workouts and foods that your peers are eating and doing that are working for them. Also, there's an app. I love apps. But I especially love this one so if I'm out and about I can enter in what I've eaten before I forget! Awesome.

So if anyone else is working on losing some poundage, join and add me! mckennaralls at hotmail dot com. Because right now, I have one friend. And that's just sad. And I need the motivation. Really!!

Sick of reading about my kids???

2011-09-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

The you can read about ME!! :) So guess how much I weigh. No...don't. It would probably make me cry. But I'll tell you this. It's waaaaaaay more than the last time I posted about losing weight! Ugh.

It's my own fault, I know. No real excuses. Reasons, sure. But excuses? No. The gain is simply because I stopped eating healthfully and wasn't being active. Lame. My reasons are pretty good ones. Some medical, mostly emotional. But the truth is, those "good" reasons are NOT excuses. And I need to learn how to live a healthy lifestyle, even when life gets tough. Really tough.

Now that life has calmed down again I am getting back on track. I bought myself a great cookbook with super healthy recipes. They are fast and easy and delicious, so far. And I'd say for a busy mom of three, the most important things are that it's quick for me, and yummy for the family.

The whole family agreed to make the change this time around. We are all trying to make healthier choices. We've taken a few walks together and everyone is choosing healthier snacks. Jason even gave up soda entirely!! All of which is helping me to get it together.

Now, eating healthy is always easy for me. I just have to make the effort to plan meals, make a grocery list, and COOK. But if I put in that little bit of effort, I really ENJOY eating healthy. My problem comes to exercise!! First off, I don't love it. I love how I feel after, but I have a really hard time getting myself started. And then sticking with an entire workout when I'm sweaty and exhausted.

But right now, I think the bigger problem is TRADE. I have to trade something for exercise. And trade means sacrifice. I'm just not sure what I'm willing to give up right now. You see, in order to get a workout in each day I have to make time. I can either do it early in the morning before the fam wakes up, or I can try to do it later. Early in the morning means I'm sacrificing sleep. And sleep is a VERY, VERY precious commodity right now. I'm already not getting anywhere near enough. Five or six hours of broken sleep a night, on average. And naps for mom are RARE.

So I sacrifice sleep, or I don't. Which means that I sleep in a little and get up with the kids. Then I'm busy getting everyone else ready and going, getting things done around the house, running errands, etc. So when I finally do get time to myself to work out it's later in the morning or afternoon. And that means that I don't get to shower and get myself ready until even later. But if I don't have time to get ready until noon, it's not likely going to happen because I'm too busy then picking up kids and getting homework done and doing laundry and cooking dinner, and all of that fun stuff.

So do I sacrifice getting ready each day or do I give up my very limited sleep? This may seem like a really stupid question, but for me it's virtually impossible to decide. I don't want to be a sweaty, frumpy slob every day. But I also don't want to be a crabby (let's face it, I'm already crabby; less sleep will probably turn me into a true monster) mom/wife/neighbor/etc.

How would you work this out? So far my answer has been to just put off deciding. I've just forgotten about working out. I'm sticking to eating healthy and when I figure out the answer I'll add in the workouts. So tell me what to do! Because I'm really feeling ready to get moving again!!!!

The Dentist

2011-09-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, we never went to the dentist. We just couldn't afford it. And my guess is we didn't even have dental insurance half the time. When I was about 12 ish, my dad got into the motivational speaking industry and we had money. And that's around the time I first went to the dentist. And I had zero cavities. None. Perfect teeth. A mild overbite. But practically perfect teeth. And since then I've had one cavity my entire life. I'm sure this is 1 part because CA puts fluoride in the water, 1 part good dental genetics, and 1 part good dental hygiene.

Anyway, even after I finally went to the dentist for the first time I probably really only went a handful of times before I moved out of the house. Which meant my mom wasn't making my appointments for me anymore and I wasn't making them for myself. The only time I voluntarily went to the dentist was when I was hit in the face with a rock and my front tooth broke to pieces.

So all that back story is to just explain that I've never been big on the dentist. And I've been AWFUL about taking my own children. At first because we were also poor. But now, that's not an excuse and I have just been lazy about taking them. In fact, Payson went once a year or two ago. And Jack had never been before.

Lately, Payson has been complaining about pain in her mouth. But her 6 year molars are coming in, so I thought that's what it was. Until a little while ago. She showed me a spot on her gums that was hurting and I saw an abscess. Yikes!! I told her I would get her in right away. And then I kept forgetting and forgetting and forgetting to call. Ugh! I'd remember when we were out and about and tell myself to look up a dentist and call as soon as we got home, but by the time we got home I'd forget.

Well, Monday morning, I finally remembered! I dropped Payson off at school, passed a pediatric dentist on the way home and immediately looked up who was in network and called. The receptionist told me she had had some cancellations and she could get both kids in in about an hour. Great! I took the appointments, printed their new patient paperwork off of the Internet, filled it out, and then checked Payson out of school.

Payson loved the dentist the first time, so she was excited to go. Jack was a little nervous for his first time, but big sister helped put his mind at ease. They both did great and loved it! This pediatric dentist had a great office. Ocean murals on the walls, a playroom with a submarine to play in, fish tanks everywhere. Very Nemo-esque. They had movies playing on the ceiling during the cleaning, flavored toothpaste, and a good bag with a new tooth brush when it was over. The goody bag even included a coin for those quarter machines where the kids got to pick out a little 25 cent toy. Awesome!

Playing at the train table.

Checking out the BIG fish tank (there were 3 other smaller ones around the office).

Playing in the submarine. (Why is this underlined? I can't make it go away!)

The playroom.

Jack getting his "pictures taken".

Payson watching a movie on the ceiling and waiting for the dentist.

Shiny, clean teeth!

The dentist had these cool shades in case the kids were sensitive to the bright light above their faces. Jack thought they were pretty cool.

But the dentist didn't have good news. :( Jack needed eight cavities filled. EIGHT! Yikes! And Payson was worse. She needed two teeth pulled, two root canals, a couple of crowns, and four fillings. Holy crap. I felt so awful!!! I'd only had one filling and remember that being miserable. I couldn't imagine having ALL that work done!

The dentist recommended putting both kids under. Mostly just to avoid traumatizing them and making them scared of the dentist from now on. But especially Payson because of everything she needed done. He said they were usually really busy, but actually had time the next day to get them both in. He said they could do it in multiple visits, but I agreed that getting it done and over with was probably best.

So we were sent home with several prescriptions. We picked them up and were supposed to just bring them with us to their appointment first thing in the morning.

We got there and Lucas immediately pooped all over me. Huge blow out. I had gotten up late and not really packed the diaper bag. Luckily I found one diaper and three wet wipes. Also, a clean onesie. Phew! And then while I was cleaning him up in the bathroom he shot pee everywhere. Luckily it didn't get on the clean diaper or onesie and I was able to clean it up quickly.

When I got done cleaning him up, they had just given Jack his meds and put us in a little room with a bean bag chair, couch, a few toys and books, a tv, blankets, etc. They dimmed the lights and let us just hang out while the meds took effect. They said it would take about an hour and that Jack would get a little loopy before he fell asleep. After a little while, he got REALLY loopy and I was struggling to keep my drunk son from falling over and hitting his head while also taking care of the baby. So I called my mom, who was thankfully not busy and came down to help. I don't know what I would have done without her!

So after getting a few HILARIOUS videos of Jack, he finally fell asleep. (By the way, I keep trying to load the videos, because they're really so funny, but they're too big. If anyone knows how to resize a video somehow let me know!!) They took him back to do his work and then gave Payson her meds so they would kick in by the time it was her turn. She didn't get nearly as funny as Jack. Mostly just a little buzzed. Once she was asleep and Jack was still being worked on, I left Lucas with my mom and ran home for more diapers and wipes, just in case. When I got back, Jack was with my mom and Lucas in the little room and starting to come out of it. He was pretty loopy again, so we had to keep an eye on him to keep him from hurting himself. Then Payson went in for her work.

For the most part we just watched some kid movies and kept Jack from getting hurt and relaxed. And then when they were about done, I could hear Payson and my heart dropped. They had found an extra spot that needed a root canal which took a tiny bit of extra time. Just enough that she started waking up as they were pulling the last tooth. I could hear her crying and screaming, so I ran to her and left the boys with my mom. They were trying to keep her calm, and she was holding still and being brave, but she was so scared and I can only imagine in pain. I just let her squeeze my hands and I held her and tried to help her calm down while they finished. It was one of the worst things I've experienced as a mother. I just held her and cried with her while they finished, which took a good ten or fifteen minutes (but felt like an hour). I felt like I was just letting them torture my baby. It was such a nightmare! There was so much blood in her mouth and she was just stuck there with her mouth open crying. I wanted to just scoop her up and get her away where she felt safe, but I had to let them finish putting the spacers in (which wasn't painful at all, she told me, she was just terrified). Can you imagine being six years old and waking up to a strange doctor hovering over you in a dark room yanking your tooth out??? Forget the pain, the fear alone made me feel awful for her!!

Finally it was over and they gave her a popsicle and she calmed down. We were given discharge instructions and my mom helped me load everyone up and take them home. We had to help the kids walk, since they were still a little drugged. I got the kids comfortable in jammies with blankets and a movie on the couch, fed Lucas, and then my mom sat with the kids while I picked up pain meds for Payson. She did fine the rest of the day. They both did. And by the end of the day she was just sick of eating jello, yogurt, soup, and ice cream. She wanted real food and was so sad that she couldn't have anything chewy. :( Poor girl.

Both kids are totally fine and Payson is fine with going back to the dentist for cleanings and check ups. But it was not a fun day. I think I may have been more traumatized than Payson. I can't remember ever feeling so helpless. Except maybe when she was a newborn preemie in the NICU attached to all those machines. Ugh.

Anyway, we will be brushing and flossing like crazy, just as we always have, and including regular trips to the dentist from now on. Even if they have cavities again, at least we can make sure it's just one or two little fillings here and there instead of this situation.

So as soon as your dentist wants you to bring your kids in (usually between 2-3) take them! And keep your appointments every 6 months! Otherwise you end up putting your babies through Hell. :(

Seriously, that was one long post. But I'm glad I wrote it all down.

2011-09-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

About eighty billion times today I have looked at this face and teared up with joy. Two years. Two very long years I waited for this boy. I know others have waited or are waiting longer. But this is my story, not theirs. I have loved each of my babies the same. I don't love this boy any more or any less than Payson or Jack. These amazing little ones are my world. But with Lucas came a relief, a peace, and lifting of some dark clouds that I had been waiting for for so long. This little boy is such a light in our home. I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for sending this spirit. He's just amazing. And one post to tell you how lucky I am wasn't enough today.

Blessing Lucas

2011-09-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, September 4th we blessed Lucas in my parents' ward. It was Labor Day weekend, so the event was super small. Everyone seemed to be out of town. Which was just fine. I hardly took any pictures. One of the five of us all together. (Please ignore the fact that I've gained four trillion pounds and haven't even begun to try to think about losing them. Also, ignore Jason being a goof and throwing his leg across my lap. Weirdo.)

One of my baby boy in all white. Every time I looked at him and thought about the symbolism of that color I teared up. My beautiful, perfect baby boy.

He wore the same outfit that Jack wore for his blessing. I don't love the options they have for little boys blessing clothing. Mostly I think they're cheesy. I remember buying this because I disliked it the least of everything I found. But when I pulled it out and tried it on Lucas I loved it! He just looks so sweet!! Seriously. Look at that face!!

Anyway, the whole weekend was so nice. Saturday, we took the kiddos to a dollar matinee and out for frozen yogurt. Cheapest family date ever! But the kids loved it and Lucas was super good through his first movie. Sunday was just a sweet day. Jason blessed Lucas and then after the block we had a super yummy dinner with family and our favorite friends. We all visited and played games and it was just a nice day. I love days like that. There was nothing extraordinary about it, but it was just a lovely day. Then on Monday Jason headed to Colorado for golf and work and the kids and I hung out with family. It was a perfectly lazy Labor Day. We had breakfast at Cracker Barrel (which has somehow become a Labor Day tradition) and then went back to my mom and dad's to just relax all day and watch movies. The kids swam and played and Lucas and I took a much needed nap together. Just a great weekend!

Being close to family again has been so nice! There are so many people that I miss since we moved. I wish I could just bring them all with me. But spending time with my family so often has made it a little easier. Especially with Lucas here. I hated the idea that they would miss all of these early, precious moments in his life. I love seeing everyone with him. It's so fun the way a baby changes everyone. Having him here just makes me so happy!!!!! Seriously can't get enough.

Speaking of baby, Lucas is getting SO big!! Seriously! He's such a little monster. He's growing out of his clothes faster than I can keep up. But each new milestone is so, so fun! He's been smiling and cooing so much the last couple of weeks. I love it! He's awake more often, which is so fun. He's still such an easy baby. He's generally happy. People constantly see him sitting so peacefully and ask me if he's always like that. Yep! He is! I'm so lucky. I just love this boy so much. I have the best family. I was telling Jason the other day how lucky I feel because even at their worst, we have the BEST little family ever. Love love love them!!!

Guess that baby!!

2011-09-03T03:17:00.000-07:00

Is it easy to distinguish who is who in these baby photos? I tried to find pictures that didn't give away gender with blankets, bows, or clothing. Kind of hard to do. But here are my three sweet babies. Can you guess who is who??

Baby #1

Baby #2

Baby #3

And who looks most like who??

Happy September!!

2011-09-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that in just 5 1/2 weeks we've gone from this tiny little stranger...

...to this sweet boy who feels like he's been part of the family forever!

I know it's cliche. I've said it with each baby. But time is really just flying by! And this baby of mine is getting too big too fast! He's changed so much in a month and I know he'll just keep growing on us. :( I wish I could just freeze time!!

Life has been terribly entertaining in our house the last few weeks. The kids crack us up and drive us crazy every day. :) And here's the evidence. The kids have taken my camera hostage for most of these:

Lucas looks just like Jason! It's hilarious. They make the same faces all the time. Cracks me up!

Payson caught Lucas with this sad face just before he started to cry. Don't worry! Mama swooped in and rescued him right away!

Cute, cute brothers!!

If Payson isn't at school you can usually find her holding her baby brother. She's such a little mother. My best helper!!

I have plenty of these on the camera each day. This is honestly just a small sampling.

Notice the pen on his eyes in this one. I asked him why he did it and he said, "I wanted to look creepy!" Mission accomplished, son.

Payson got in on the crazy fun too.

He might be a little weirdo, but he's my handsome little weirdo. :)

Lucas has started to smile already! It's been so fun! It's still elusive, but we've managed to catch it on camera a couple of times.

And of course whenever the camera comes out I get this:

and this:

Can't get enough of this sweet little guy. He's so so fun and snuggly and has brought so much added happiness to our home!

Now if only I can figure out how to seriously make him stop growing up!!!

A Whole Month!

2011-08-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

Has it really been a whole month already???? Time flies when you're having fun!...And when you're sleep deprived. :) But we're all loving having this little guy in our family. Look at those three beautiful babies!

I'm the luckiest mommy in the whole world. <3

Hospital Photos

2011-08-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

Yay! I figured out how to upload these pictures! :) Sadly it was something really ridiculous that took me two seconds once I realized what I was doing wrong. But oh well! I got them now!!

When I had Payson and Jack the hospital had someone come around and take pictures of babies that they later sold if you wanted them. But the pictures were so bad. No posing, no quality, not cute. So we always did pictures later on our own.

With Lucas we got some great pictures! I wish there were more than just the four we have. But I'm glad we have these from his first 24 hours with us. Look at these!!

And what's cuter than these brand new, wrinkly little toes?!

Okay, there is one thing. THIS FACE!!

I wish she had been able to take four million more! Because already my baby boy has changed so, so much! He's HUGE. Chubbers. We love fat babies around here, so we're not complaining. But now chubbers is crying in the background so I'll have to tell you more about our first 4 weeks with this beautiful boy later!!

Guess what I did today!!

2011-08-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I got up and got myself ready, fed myself and three kids, go tall three kids ready, straightened up the house, fed everyone again, got us all to church ON TIME, came home and cooked and fed everyone, cleaned up again, played card games with the kids, got everyone ready for bed, and put kids to sleep. And that's just the big stuff. If I were to list every little detail, including every diaper change and feeding I'd look like a freaking super hero.

Maybe not a big deal to anyone else. But to me today was HUGE. I've been hanging out in my pajamas for the last (almost) 3 weeks. I've hardly showered. So to go from that to feel like a fully functioning human being again felt amazing!

AND...I did it all by myself. Jason is working again, so I'm on my own with these three kiddos. I really expected this week to be a hormonal nightmare, but the kids have been amazing helpers and Lucas is just such a sweet and easy boy (knock on wood!). So far we've been just fine.

Who knows how tomorrow will go. Maybe it will be the hormonal nightmare I've been waiting for. Maybe not. But as of today, I'm feeling good and loving snuggling my baby boy!! :)

UGH!!!

2011-08-14T10:24:00.001-07:00

I don't know what's going on but I have the most beautiful pictures of Lucas that I want to share and blogger isn't letting me post them! I've been trying for DAYS! Grrrrrrr......

Lucas Burton

2011-08-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

I finally have pictures on the computer ready to post of my sweet new baby boy!! He really is the best baby and just so pretty and I can't get enough of him. Just see for yourself:

How precious are these toes?

And those lips! I really can't stop kissing them.

Because he waited so long to show up, this boy has some crazy long fingernails! Which means lots of sad little scratches on his face. He won't keep cocks or mittens on his hands well or anything.

Snuggling with Grandma.

And Grandpa. Who couldn't keep his eyes open for more than a few minutes at a time. :)

Payson LOVES holding her baby brother. Although she tends to ask at the most inconvenient times. Always right when she has to go to bed or I need to feed the baby. :) But she just loves this new baby boy in our family.

Payson holding Lucas and my little sisters, Madie and Maren.

Playing with Daddy at the hospital. The kids have gotten some good daddy time in lately, which they have been craving. Jason is so wonderful and always makes special time for them. We have the best daddy in our family.

My three babies!! Aren't they pretty?

Stayed tuned! I'm sure there will be more to come!!

Sleep is overrated.

2011-07-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. Mostly my body is just exhausted from pregnancy and labor and now adjusting to even more changes. But Lucas sleeps pretty well at night (so far...he wakes up twice to eat) so I really can't complain. And honestly, watching his sweet little face in the middle of the night when it's so quiet and calm is something I wouldn't trade for all the sleep in the world.

There is so much I want to update. I want to write his birth story and post pictures and share a million other things. But life is pretty crazy right now. The day we were released from the hospital Jason left for Wyoming and I stayed here with the kids. He packed up our entire place in 48 hours and brought it here. And he's spent all day today moving it all in to our new place. Insane!!!! He is a crazy fast, hard worker. And crazy for deciding to do this the week we had our baby boy. But I'm glad it is getting done and so grateful for a husband who has made sure I didn't have to lift a single finger.

So between expanding our family and a big move, we've been a little busy and a little tired. I'm sure I will find time soon enough to post everything. But in the meantime, I'm going to go enjoy my new family of five. :)

No More Waiting!!

2011-07-25T23:28:00.001-07:00

Well, it was only a few more hours of waiting! Ha ha! I started having consistent contractions at 5 pm ish so Jason and I talked and waited an hour and suddenly contractions were already 3 minutes apart. So we headed straight to the hospital.

And at 8:52 pm Lucas Burton Ralls was born, after less than hours of real labor. Crazy!!! He weighs 8 lbs 13 oz (just like mama at birth) and is 21 in long. He came FAST and is such a peaceful boy!

We were super surprised to find out we have another son, but it's been so fun already watching this little guy and learning about his mild personality. We can't wait to know more. We are all completely smitten. He's just the sweetest little guy.

I'm typing here now and he's sleeping on my chest, just peaceful as can be. I am teary eyed thinking about how much I love him. Already. I just can't believe he's here and he's ours.

Soon enough I will post pictures and hopefully some fun pictures. But for now I'm going to snuggle my new son and try to get some rest.

Waiting Sucks

2011-07-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

That stupid countdown started going the wrong direction so I just deleted it. We're no longer counting down to anything, anyway. Just sitting here waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Still waiting for this baby to decide to come.

I keep going from excited and hopeful to miserably depressed and hormonal. Right now I'm not in the greatest place emotionally, so I'll spare you my rant. I'm sure any of you who have ever been overdue know what I'm feeling.

So I just sent my husband to the store from cheesecake and movies. And I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon snuggled up to him in bed in my sweats with cheesecake and a couple of cheesy flicks. Maybe that'll keep my mind off of my misery for a few hours.

Countdown...

2011-07-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

What is that thing going to say tomorrow? Will it say congratulations? Baby born? Will it start counting the days of this baby's life even though it still isn't here? Because that would be totally annoying. Just another 12 hours until I know what it does...

Letting Go

2011-07-18T16:09:00.001-07:00

Yesterday wasn't a great day. I was just super emotional and hormonal. I just wanted Jason to be home with me and for this baby to GET OUT!! I skipped church, dreading the comments and questions and looks I would get from everyone. Not the greatest choice, but I really just couldn't shut off the water works so I figured it was best to stay home and nap.

Today I woke up feeling much better after finally making the choice to let go. I'm letting go of all control, and in doing so I feel so much more IN CONTROL! Weird? Yes. But I feel better. I called and cancelled my induction. I am just letting nature do this one. When this baby is ready, he or she will come. Wen my body is ready, it will get things going. I don't need to force things because of Jason's schedule or location or because of how miserable I am physically, or emotionally some days. So I just let go of it all.

Now I feel relaxed. I can stop worrying about what if this and what if that and am I making the right decision??? Because I'm not making any decisions. I'm just letting things happen and hoping for the best. Now, if anything comes up I will know for sure that it wasn't because I tried to rush things or force anything. It was out of my hands. I feel no more guilt.

In the mean time I am still 39 1/2 weeks pregnant. I am still hormonal and crazy and emotional and want to be done being pregnant. I am uncomfortable and am looking forward to sleeping when baby arrives. Yes, sleep. I truly believe I will get more sleep with a newborn than I am each night now. Now I wake up more often than every single hour in pain or having to roll over or to pee or with heartburn. Babies generally sleep at least a couple hours at a time before waking to eat or be changed! I'm looking forward to having my body back, sort of, eventually. I am looking forward to meeting this kid and watching our family dynamic change. I'm just ready. And mostly ready to be done waiting.

Mostly, I'm really ready for everyone to stop asking me stupid questions. I know everyone means well, but anyone who has ever been this pregnant knows how obnoxious it is! SERIOUSLY! I have already promised everyone about a trillion times that will let you all know. I'm not a liar. I really will let everyone know. So please stop asking me.

And now I'm going to go back to patiently waiting. And looking through baby name books. Because I haven't even narrowed names down to a few for each gender. So if you want to talk baby with me, try suggesting baby names! That'll be good fun. :)

One More Week

2011-07-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

One week until my due date. Weird feeling. We have been talking about inducing at this point from the beginning, mainly because of Jason's work schedule. But at my appointment yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to commit to it. My goal is a completely natural delivery and inducing is fairly likely to detract from that. So we decided to wait.

I am dilated 3 cm and 75% effaced so we're hoping something happens this weekend. Induction is now scheduled for Tuesday. If I haven't gone into labor on my own they will strip my membranes (that sounds so gross) on Monday morning to see if that starts things, and then if it doesn't we'll go through with the induction Tuesday morning.

At least that's the plan for now. I can always back out. This induction is elective at this point, not medically necessary, and as things get closer I keep wondering why I cared so much to be induced in the first place. Sure I'm anxious to be done with all of the discomforts of pregnancy and all of this waiting and I am SO ready to hold this baby and meet the little guy or girl who has been mangling my insides for the last few weeks. But at the same time, I really want to let things happen on their own time. I'm sure baby will know when it's ready. I trust that. So for now I'm content to keep waiting. Even though I really am miserable. (Have I mentioned that I don't love being pregnant??? Totally worth the baby in the end, but ACK! I hate it!)

Anyway, so we continue to play the waiting game. Here's to hoping we meet our newest family member SOON!!!

Back to whining...

2011-07-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

It's not even ten am and I've already received two texts and a phone call asking me if I'm still pregnant. Next person to ask dies. Not even kidding. I will sit on them.

Because seriously!!!!!!!!!!! If I'd had the baby don't you think I'd be excited and make the announcement already?!?!?!?!?!

Really not needing any more pressure. I have no control over when this baby shows up. But no one has ever been pregnant forever, so if the rest of the world could just back off and have a little patience that'd be great.

Thank you.

What?! No whining?!?!?!

2011-07-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

Well, we're full term! Yay!! Thirty-seven weeks today. I had an appointment yesterday and they decided to check me. Progress is being made! I'm already dilated 2 1/2 cm and 75% effaced so hopefully this baby is coming sooner rather than later!

I was super excited to find out that any progress was made at all! I've been having miserable contractions for a while now and really though it was doing no good. I almost didn't have them check me simply because I knew I would be disappointed. So finding out that this baby is actually going to show up soon made me a little excited!

Due to Jason's work schedule and my mom and sisters having girls camp we're hoping for a very narrow time frame. Who ever heard of a baby cooperating though, right? So we'll keep our fingers crossed and see how much more progress we've made at our next appointment this week!

We have the house all cleaned and everything as ready as can be at home. We are now spending the weekend with family at a big reunion. It's been super fun so far to watch the kids run around with all of my cousins' kids and to visit with some of my favorite people who I don't get to see very often. And after the fourth we'll head back to my parents' to stay until baby comes.

It feels so good to be away from all the stress and drama back home and just relax with the people who matter most. I keep telling Jason that I just want to stay! I miss my family, especially right now with getting ready for this new baby. So I'm jut going to soak up every minute I can with them.

And now I'm going to curl up in my fancy hotel bed and get a decent night's sleep before spending another day with the bestest family in the whole world!! Hope you're all enjoying your Independence Day weekend as much as we are!!

Pretty sure that all of my posts will be really whiney until this baby is OUT...

2011-06-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

So I have 4 weeks until I'm done. Yeah, the countdown says five. But I'll be induced a week early due to baby's size and Jason's work schedule if it hasn't come before then. Which it probably won't.

Anyway, four weeks. Four weeks would normally seem so short, but right now those four weeks are FILLED with way too much to get done and no where near enough time to do it all. And I'm alone. Jason is working for another week and a half or so. And I have bronchitis. And I'm swollen and in pain constantly. My back and feet can hardly take anything. Grocery shopping is a chore. Rolling over is a chore. Cleaning and laundry and cooking...chore. See what I mean? Whine, whine, whine. It's all you're going to hear for the next few weeks.

McKenna, why don't you just ask for help from you amazingly wonderful friends??? Good question! Because my laundry isn't done and I'm sitting around in my underwear. (TMI?) And I'm so freaking picky about how things get done that I honestly believe it would stress me out MORE to have help than to just wait until I'm feeling a little more up to it all. Ridiculous? Yeah. But true.

Getting Ready for Baby

2011-06-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

I realized this week how much time I actually have until baby arrives. Both of my babies have been big. Both of my babies have been early. And with Jason's work schedule and location, this baby has an eviction date set for July 16th so that Jason can be sure to have time off and be here for the big debut!

That leaves me with 6 weeks and 2 days. BUT...next weekend we will be out of town for a couple of days. Then Jason leaves for two weeks and I won't have his help getting things ready. Besides that, my little sisters are coming to stay for a week of that time and we'll be too busy playing and having fun to prepare for baby. Then we have about a week and a half of Jason being home before we head to Utah for a family reunion. And at that point I will be staying in Utah until baby comes, just to be safely close to the hospital.

So realistically I have a little less than 3 weeks of time to prepare for this baby. And the rest is taken up with activities, visitors, vacations, etc. THREE WEEKS! That's it!

After realizing that I immediately put together a list of baby-to-do's and a timeline to get everything done. It's going to be busy, but it's doable. So today I pulled out my boxes of baby clothes, ready to sort through and wash everything so it's ready for use when Cletus arrives.

It was so fun to look through what both Payson and Jack had worn as infants! And to remember how TINY they were!! It was SOOOO long ago! But as fun as it was, I was completely disappointed. Both boxes of clothes had several spit up stained outfits that I know I will never put on this new baby. Trash. :(

And the rest...well...the rest is just all old and faded and used. Big surprise, right? No. But I just want to have the new fun clothes for this baby the way I did with my other kids. It's one thing that I'm really looking forward to and is helping me to get emotionally ready for this baby's arrival.

Problem is, we knew with both Payson and Jack what we were having. And I had baby showers with both of them. So we were completely prepared in the clothing and gear department with each of them.

This time, we have our own guesses (Jason votes boy, I vote girl) but we really have no clue! So how do I prepare for baby? I have onesies and things, but I don't want closets full of white and green and yellow. I want fun new colorful summer outfits for this baby. I want this baby to wear things that make me smile. Not faded old hand me downs. :(

Is that shallow of me? Yeah, a little. But with Payson and Jack we took what we were given or what we could afford. We're in a different position now financially. And really, I'm just okay with being a little shallow about what I put on my baby!

So apparently, this baby will live in nothing but diapers and onesies for a little while until I'm feeling up to heading to the store...or until I am awake enough in the hospital to order a whole new wardrobe online. :)

Things to Catch Up On

2011-05-26T14:11:00.000-07:00

*Easter

*Mother's Day

*A Few Fun Outings with the Kids

*Payson's Dance Recital

*Jack's Last Day of Preschool

*Preparations and Projects for Baby

*How I'm too exhausted to even think about all the things I'm missing in there.....

30 Weeks

2011-05-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

Today isn't an extraordinary day. In fact, it's a very, very ordinary Saturday. Jack had a fever yesterday, and although he seems to be doing much better today, Payson has caught whatever he had. So we're lying low. Jason is home. We have stocked up on treats for the day and a couple of movies too. We're just lounging around the house in our pajamas, enjoying each others' company. Most of the time, at least. :)

But as of today we are 30 weeks pregnant. Officially into that last quarter of pregnancy. It's so weird for me to think about. The first several months went so slow! I was so unattached. And at the same time I was constantly worried about every little thing.

Then I started to ease up a little and try to embrace and enjoy this pregnancy. And that's when Sammy died. And I was too busy and too overwhelmed with grief and sadness and aching for my friends and with missing little Sammy to worry about pregnancy. And now that it's been 2 months (and one day exactly, but who's keeping track?), and everyone's lives seem to be back to normal, I'm trying again to go back to normal too.

But "normal" just feels weird these days. I'm trying so hard to focus on this baby coming in just 9 weeks (I'm not due for 10 weeks, but if I haven't had the baby by then I'll most likely be induced). I'm trying to plan and prepare and get the shopping and storing and washing and cleaning and projects done so that everything is ready in two months.

But every baby thing I think of reminds me of Sammy. I think about shushing her when she was fussy and wanted to be held and no one else could calm her. The way I would hold her and swing her and sing to her and quiet her. And then she would just sleep in my arms while her mama cooked or ate or worked on a project and I would just watch that sweet, beautiful face sleeping peacefully. She would just nuzzle right in and completely relax. Oh how I miss holding her sweet little body against me and just snuggling! Sammy knew how to love! I just miss feeling that love from that sweet baby girl. I miss Laura needing me to come hold her. I miss bragging that Sammy liked me better, even though I was secretly jealous that I wasn't her mama.

And planning and preparing for my baby is such a strong reminder of the absence of Laura's. I struggle to attach and be as excited as I remember being for Payson and for Jack. There are just so many strange emotions surrounding all of it. I don't even know how to explain it all.

But I know that I have to try harder to embrace it. This baby deserves to be looked forward to and celebrated and anxiously awaited too. And I know that Sammy is up there prepping him or her. Probably warning this little one of all the crazy it's getting itself into down here. She may have only spent 8 weeks with us, but that 8 weeks was filled was some hilarious moments that I'm sure Sammy won't leave out. :)

And so today while we watch movies and snack on treats and relax I'm working on some online baby shopping and art projects for baby's room. I'm going through the motions in hopes that eventually it will feel more exciting.

However, I have to add that one thing with this pregnancy is just the same as all the others. I have PLENTY to complain about!! :) I am miserable already with 2 months to go. And I know it will only get worse. The back pain and braxton hicks and feet in the ribs and constant bathroom breaks and lack of sleep are not my favorite.

Although even as I type I stop to watch Cletus (we affectionately call him/her "Cletus the Fetus" rather than "It") roll around under my belly. Seeing the movement rather than just feeling flutters or kicks makes it seem so much more real. So there are things to enjoy too.

Anyway, I am trying to prepare in these last quick weeks. Mentally and emotionally and physically and every way I can. Because 9 weeks will FLY! With school finishing up and a dance recital and my sisters coming to stay and doctor's appointments and a family reunion and Jason's work. Life is going to go too quickly, I'm sure. And sooner than I can imagine this baby is coming! Ready or not!!

Tired.

2011-04-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

I am always busy and always tired. Always. But lately it has multiplied. I find no time or energy for things I cared about before. I'm too busy trying to just get the minimum done so that I can sleep or rest. I feel like my body is on full speed ahead and I just can't keep up.

And baby is starting to let me know very clearly when enough is enough. Contractions come hard and fast when my body needs a break. And then, whether I have the time or not, I have to stop and lay down and drink and rest until it goes away. And it's happening more and more often lately. 3 more months of that. Ugh.

Pregnancy has never made me so tired. This time around has felt much harder on my body. Although I've also never had so much on my plate during a pregnancy before. All good things. But busy time consuming things. And even on vacation I feel like I am desperate for a break.

So now I'm off to stop complaining to cyber land and to go rest. Because even after the best possible night's sleep these days I still wake up exhausted.

2011-03-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

I have so many thoughts and experiences to write down. The last almost 3 weeks has been the most difficult and most incredible of my life. And nothing even happened to ME. But I am so grateful for the test because I am learning so much! Maybe this weekend with conference things will be calmer and I will have time to share some incredible miracles I've seen recently. I need them written before I forget. Until then, I'm so tired I can barely type. Good night.

2011-03-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

I don't want to post. I don't want Sammy's face to slip down beneath new posts. I love pulling up my blog each day and seeing her. Tuesday Sammy is what we call that picture. :) Tuesday was such a good day. There was so much to smile and laugh about. Sammy was so snugly and sweet and smiley! Tuesday was such a good day!

And there are still good days. There are still things to laugh and smile about. It's just shadowed by this melancholy feeling. This loss to us all. We can laugh and joke and play. We can enjoy our children. But beneath it all we are all worried and sad. We are all trying to grieve our own minuscule loss while doing everything we can (which is so very little) to help our dear friends.

I hope I don't ever sound like I'm bringing this loss back to me as I post. I will never deny that I am also grieving for Sammy. I miss her. I ache to hold her. I cry for her daily. But my missing and my ache and my tears are NOTHING compared to the missing and ache and tears of her mother and father and family.

The reason I say that is because I talk here about me. This is my place. My journal. I write my feelings and no one else's. And I don't want that to sound as if I'm making this loss about me. I can only write my side of this story. And that is what I will put here. And I don't want that to be read the wrong way. Because I have already watched others make this about them and it makes me so very angry!!!

We have a strange little group here. Strange in the most wonderful way. We see each other almost daily, and when we don't we are texting or talking or whatever. We laugh and have ridiculous inside jokes and share way too much with each other. We drive our husband's crazy. But we love and support each other in a way that I don't think most women understand. I don't think many women have what we have. And it has been such a blessing in the last week and a half!

Sammy's passing has been all consuming for us. We have spent countless hours together talking and crying and laughing and remembering and wondering how to help and planning meals and childcare and cleaning and finding anything and everything we can do to keep our minds from wandering to our own grief.

I found myself talking with one friend yesterday about how overwhelming it has been at times. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I found myself wishing for a break. Just a day or two to relax and do nothing and to escape it all. To just not remember and to get away. And my next immediate thought is Laura. How I'm sure she wishes that she could have a break. For just a day or two. To relax and to do nothing and to not remember her hurt and pain. How she and Kasey must be so desperate to go back to Saturday. How they would trade in all the stress and worry of that day just to have their Sammy back in their arms.

And I am then reminded that I must turn to my Savior. I NEED His strength. I need Him to carry me through my physical and emotional exhaustion so that I can ease theirs. I need Him to make my hands His so that I can serve them as He would. I need Him to make my lips His so that I can find the words that He would have spoken to them. I need to make my arms His so that when I embrace my friends they can feel His love. I need to become like Him so that they feel Him near when they are near me. So that they can feel near their perfect Sammy when they are near me. I need to be more like Him so that I can feel that peace and strength that I need so desperately right now.

I keep wondering how we are here. How I am not just a child watching my mother and all of the grownups around plan a funeral and make meals and help with kids. How is this happening to MY friends? How are we here? How has this happened? How was she here one beautiful moment and gone the next? But none of that wondering matters. What matters is what I allow Sammy to teach me. She served and is still serving her mission for our Father in Heaven. She came to teach me to serve and to love and to live better. She came to show me what perfection is so that I can strive to emulate her life. She came so that I could learn to be like Sammy, in and turn, so that I could learn to be like my Savior.

What a gift to have known Sweet Sammy. To have loved her and to have held her. To have been taught by a perfect angel of the Lord.

Sammy

2011-03-16T18:55:00.001-07:00

I can't tell you how much I am missing Sammy tonight. And I wasn't even lucky enough to be her mother. Laura posted about her passing on their blog. I'm hoping she won't mind me sharing this. But I also wanted to ask a favor. We have set up a memorial fund for the family to help with the cost of funeral and other expenses. I know not everyone will want to or can contribute, but if you do you can go to any Wells Fargo branch and donate to the memorial fund for Kasey and/or Laura Nielson in memory of little Sammy. Every little bit adds up. Thank you so much again for your love and support.

We need your prayers.

2011-03-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

One of my very best, closest, sweetest friends in the whole world lost her precious 2 month old daughter yesterday morning. I was there. It was a scary morning. And the day was heartbreaking and hard and busy. It was full of tears. Tears because although we KNOW without any shadow of a doubt that we will all be reunited to this amazing little angel one day, and that she is sealed to her family for eternity, and that she is at peace with her Savior and Heavenly Father and loved ones who have gone before her, although we have that knowledge our hearts are all aching with missing her. And my heart is aching for her family. I just wish I could change things and somehow make it better. I just wish I could make it Saturday again. And I can't. All I can do is love them through this along with family and other friends.

I know that they are surrounded by an army of angels during this devastating time. I know the Lord is watching over them. But they need your prayers. We all need your prayers.

New Job!!!

2011-03-09T16:34:00.001-08:00

Jason got a new job this week! An offer came from a competitor of his current employer and we couldn't resist. Same job, but with a promotion and a pay raise! Although slightly less hours which makes the pay raise equal our current income...BUT FOR LESS WORK!! Meaning he's HOME more often!! YAY!!!!

To be exact, instead of working for 2 straight weeks and then only having one week off (or less), he'll now work for those two weeks and then have TWO whole weeks home! And there are so many other benefits! Most importantly, he'll be more respected at this new company. Plus he's getting his foot in the door early which provides more opportunity for working his way up in the company down the road.

Initially we didn't think we wanted to change companies. He's spent 2 1/2 years working at his current job and didn't want to start over. We were comfortable. We weren't looking for a change. But we researched and prayed and it has just fallen into place and felt right. Surprise to us! And now we're so excited about the new opportunities headed our way!

And what am I most excited about?? Well, twice as much time with my hot hubby, of course!!! :)

It's a...........................

2011-03-05T19:09:00.001-08:00

BABY!!

We've made it half way! Can you believe it? I don't know that I do quite yet. I'm getting more and more confident with this pregnancy after so many losses, but at the same time a part of me is constantly holding back. And I'm told from other women who have experienced the same that it's pretty normal to always be a little reserved.

But reservations or not, I'm fairly certain that THIS pregnancy WILL indeed lead to a baby when all is said and done. :) Which is really exciting after the last year and a half.

So now that we're twenty weeks we've had our big ultrasound. And as you've probably figured out, we chose not to find out the gender. Well, I decided. We both wanted to know with Payson, but I was up for the surprise with Jack. Jason couldn't handle the suspense, so we negotiated. I made Jason promise that if we found out with Jack, that regardless of gender, we would be surprised for our third.

That promise was made FOUR years ago, but Jason was still hoping up until the absolute last second that I would change my mind. Of course, he was surprised when I didn't. And now the ultrasound tech has probably forgotten whatever she did or didn't see and it isn't written anywhere, so no one will know until July!!

I'm pretty excited for that moment of suspense when Jason can finally take a peek and tell me what this loved little one is. I think that will be a pretty spectacular moment. And since we've never done the surprise thing before it's really fun to change things up this time around.

Anyway, our appointment went really well. Everything went great. Baby looked beautiful and was measuring on the large side, which didn't surprise me in the slightest. We make big babies. :) (Jack was 8 lb 9 oz at 6 days early. Payson was the biggest preemie to have ever existed. At 4 1/2 weeks early she was 6 lb 14 oz!! She was such a giant compared to the 3 and 4 pound babies in the NICU beds next to her.)

We got some funny little shots of baby's arms. One clenched in a masculine fist:

With the other draped dramatically and daintily across his/her forehead:

Giving us no indication of whether or not this is a him or a her. :)

We also got a peek at the cute little piggies we'll be counting in just a few short months:

But mostly I was just thrilled to see this sweet little profile and know that everything was okay. Heart beating away, everything growing as it should, and baby squirming plenty to reassure mama. :)

I seriously can't wait to kiss those sweet little lips!!!! I'm teary eyed just thinking about those

first few moments. This little one has had us hoping and praying and waiting for such a long time. He/she is so loved already! Oh baby, I hope you know how much we adore you! Your big brother and big sister are just elated to meet you! They have so much they want to show and teach you! Some good...some naughty. :) But they love you just as much as your daddy and I do! Keep on growing in there. I'm enjoying every little flutter and kick. Not the heartburn and aches and stretching so much, but I'd go through so much worse for you! We love you and can't wait to meet you!!!

Some things really should be planned out better.

2011-03-02T14:19:00.000-08:00

I started a project last Saturday. File Folder Games. From this site. They're awesome. And there are TONS to choose from.

Anyway, I had this genius idea. I was going to download a TON. Because they're only a buck! I have five. And my kids have used and abused them. I wasn't smart enough the first time around. I laminated the game and the pieces, but not the entire folder and now they are falling apart. Anyway, we needed new ones. So I downloaded a ton. For cheap! And I was going to put them all together and punch holes in them and throw them in a 3-ring binder and haul it to church to entertain the kiddos every week. I joked that the binder would be like my husband, my extra set of hands when he wasn't there to help me. :)

Another reason my plan was genius? Because the first time around I had black and white pages that I had to color. Blah. It took me 4 straight sessions of conference a few years ago. So if I got them online I could download and print the color copies!! Sweet! Time saver!

Part three of my genius plan? I was going to keep a copy filed away on paper and make a copy on cardstock to use. The paper copy would come in handy when a piece was lost or a game was ruined. I could easily duplicate the missing piece of recreate the game without having to re-download or pay for anything.

Well, after spending an entire afternoon on Saturday browsing, downloading, and printing (and also running to the store for more ink cartridges because these suckers take up a LOT of ink!), I realized I had gotten myself into a much bigger project than anticipated.

Cost of ink alone had more than tripled my planned cost. Geez!!! Then I still needed to make copies! And cut, and laminate, and cut, and buy folders and velcro and binders, etc.

Turns out my quick $20 or so project has turned into 4 straight days of my life and over $150. YIKES!!!! I was joking with Jason and a friend that if I expect this project to last for at least 10 years, I've spent about $0.25 a Sunday for those following 10 years. Just wish I could have spread out the cost...and time...a little.

So far I have browsed, downloaded, printed, cut, glued, laminated, and cut some more. I still have plenty of cutting left to do, as well as adhering velcro and punching holes to put the folders in the binders. But there is finally an end in sight! I'll definitely post pictures of the crazy awesome, crazy difficult process later this week...that is, IF I finish it all this week! :)

Happy Week

2011-02-12T15:08:00.001-08:00

Now I know that TRUE happiness comes from so many NON material things. And I feel like even on my bad days, when I do the things that I feel make me happy, I am truly, truly happy. But this post isn't about THAT kind of happiness!!

This is about things that bring pure material happiness. :) And I'm feeling it today!

You see, First, earlier this week (Tuesday, actually) my BEAUTIFUL leather sectional was delivered!!! An dit's better than I remembered it being in the showroom. I'm so in love! It's so comfy and pretty and EASY TO CLEAN! I'm in heaven.

And 4 of my 5 pillow orders have shown up! I'm still waiting on the blue pillows. And pillow forms. But so far I'm loving each on that has arrived! I just can't wait to get them on the couch and all set up!

My goal is to have throws and pillows all set up, as well as accessorizing the wall behind the sectional and a few other spots, by the end of February. I told Jason that for Valentine's the only gift I wanted was the gift of him not wasting money on flowers or gifts so I could spend it on a few little things I have planned in my family room. Awful? Probably. But that's me, I guess! :) I can't wait to have it all together and post pictures! Because already it's a whole new room!

And last, today I had a REAL dishwasher installed in my kitchen!!!!!! We have lived over 2 years now without a dishwasher. I noticed that the maintenance people were adding them when anyone moved out. Then another neighbor friend asked for one and got it! So I asked if we could get one too. And they ordered it right away! So now I have a brand spankin' new dishwasher in my kitchen. I can't wait to dirty some dishes tonight and use it! I don't have to wash dishes by hand anymore!!! Yay!!

Again, all super shallow things, I know. But they have me in a good mood this week. I just can't wait to get things together and show everyone pictures!!! Hope you're all having a happy week too!!

You know that saying...

2011-02-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

"It always gets worse before it gets better"?

That statement has so been proven true this weekend in regards to cleaning/organizing our apartment! Ugh. It's been a lot of work. But the end is finally in sight.

I had a couple of goals. One was to take down Christmas decor. What? You think it's weird that I still had Christmas up in February? I know. I'm ridiculous. But in my defense, my husband has been working out of town and I can't lift the things that need lifting in order to get all this stuff put away! So I was just waiting on his work schedule to give us any opportunity.

Goal number two had to do with that lifting I can't do. Because of the way our crawl space storage is we decided to get a storage shed to keep all our extra stuff. Most of the stuff is holiday decor, old kids' clothes/gear, and summer stuff. And pretty soon I'm going to need access to a lot of that baby stuff. With Jason away so much we figured getting some extra storage that I can easily access would solve a lot of problems. So we are in the middle right now of moving everything from the crawl space over to the storage shed.

And the last goal was just to CLEAN. Not the regular cleaning (which I'm not so great at keeping up on anyway) but DEEP cleaning. I don't know why but the spring cleaning urge always hits me at the beginning of the year. I just like to take one room at a time and de-clutter and deep clean. It makes me feel light. As much as I'd love to get the whole place done, I'm realistic. So my goal this week, along with the other two and everything else we had going on this week, was simply to deep clean the family room. In preparation for the new couch, of course.

So now Christmas is finally down, the family room is super spotless, and we're about halfway through re-storing and organizing all of our storage. I'm exhausted, but it just has me motivated to keep it up next week. Unfortunately, Jason is flying out for work on Monday, so it'll just be me to all the work. But all that's left is deep cleaning the rest of the apartment. So if I take it one room a day, this place will be spotless in no time.

Don't you love the feel of a perfectly organized and clean home??

"For the Baby"

2011-02-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

Soooooo......

With a baby on the way in just 5 1/2 months, I've been thinking about what things we do and don't need. There's not a whole lot this time around, since this is baby #3 and since we already have both boy and girl things. But there are some things that need to be replaced. Like several baby items that molded in storage the last coupe years. Gross.

I made a short list of the few things we need to replace and we decided that with each paycheck we would purchase one item until baby arrives. That way it won't be overwhelming financially and we won't be stressed about getting everything together at the last minute.

One thing at the top of my list "for baby" was a new couch. Some may argue that a new couch is not something a baby needs, but anyone who has seen my couch will argue on my behalf. Baby needs a new couch!

We purchased a cream colored microfiber sofa several years back. We were so excited about how easy to clean it was supposed to be. So I wasn't concerned about the light color. Turns out, microfiber is not so easy to clean. It takes a lot of scrubbing. It's annoying. And after you're done with all the annoying scrubbing it leaves a lovely water ring where you've scrubbed. Ugh.

I wouldn't say we're the cleanest people on earth, but we're not the filthiest. However, we do have some bad habits. We love to eat in front of the tv. Not all meals. Breakfast is always in the kitchen. And lunch too. And USUALLY dinner. Unless there's a special show on or we're having a family movie night or something. We also like to eat our treats in front of the tv, especially on movie night.

We should know better. We have young kids. There are going to be spills and there are bound to be plenty of little fingers wiped all over the upholstery. We've tried to enforce the "kitchen only" rule, but the truth is, we don't live by it, so it's really hard to enforce it with the kids.

Anyway, short story long, we have realized that leather is probably the best way to go for our family. And for years now I have been yearning for leather. Easy, clean, wipeable leather.

I can't bring a baby home in a few months to lay on our DISGUSTING sofa. And what happens when I'm nursing on the couch and baby spits up? That would be such a nightmare on upholstery!!

So now with the baby on the way and taxes done early I couldn't tell myself no! I was headed to Utah the other day to help my dad organize and file his home office, so I popped in to RC Willey on my way. And that is where I met this lovely fellow:

And now I am just ONE SHORT WEEK away from tossing that nasty old sofa out the window!! You have no idea how excited I am. Well, maybe you do. I don't know. Maybe your sofa is as bad as mine. Or worse. I'm just saying I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about this thing!!

For Christmas the only thing I wanted was a gift certificate from Jason saying I could buy this bad boy with our tax return and he followed through. He's the best husband ever. And not just because of the sectional. But the sectional bumped him up crazy high! :)

So with the sectional on it's way next week I started thinking about the next purchase "for the baby". And of course it was pillows!! Baby NEEDS pretty pillows on his/her pretty new sectional, right?!

I headed to my favorite shop in the whole wide world. And of course they had exactly what I wanted, just like always. And I expected it to cost a little more. But I did not expect it to cost over $1000 for 7 couch pillows!! I firmly believe in buying quality pieces. You definitely get what you pay for. But $1000?!?!?! Heavens no! Not gonna happen! Not even for baby.

So I started hunting my favorite shops online. And none of them had what I wanted. I started to wonder if I should just suck it up and just forget the kids' college savings and get the pricey, pretty pillows. I knew it was crazy and irrational, but I just wanted something pretty!!

And then I turned to Etsy. Oh Etsy. How I love thee! Of course my old friend delivered. I got JUST what I was looking for! So I hurried and made the purchases before someone else could snatch them up and now I sit waiting for these lovelies to be mine:

I know they aren't for everyone, but they match my family room perfectly! And they're just so pretty! And I just can't wait to throw them all over my new leather sectional!!

And for those of you thinking that I'm spending irresponsibly, I just want you to remember:

It's for the BABY!!

Hansel and Gretel Craft Shoppe

2011-01-27T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited about this post!! My good friend, Stephanie, has just opened up the CUTEST Etsy shop! So many fun little paper crafts.

What little girl doesn't love paper dolls?!?! I got these for Payson and for my sisters for Christmas. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I play with them too. They're just so fun and stylish!!!

And they're laminated so they won't rip and tear and ruin. They also come with velcro and make great quiet activities at church, etc.

She has these fun family albums, all ready for you to just add photos. I love that. Super easy!

Jack got this one in his stocking for Christmas. This little dino book is too cute. On each page the little dinosaurs have velcro'd 3D pieces to take on and off. Jack loves his. Again, GREAT quiet activity at church!!

This one I don't have yet, but need to get from Steph!! Little chore charts! I'll bet these would keep my kids excited about getting their chores done!!

Anyway, I was so excited for Stephanie about getting her shop up and running that I had to post about it! AND if you like what you see, she's got a great $25 giveaway going on over at Craftaholics Anonymous right now! Linda, the craftaholic herself is also a friend of mine. Her husband was actually one of Jason's roommates in college. They're just the cutest! And her blog is SO fun! So go check out Linda and Stephanie!!!!

I only put a few pictures on here, but if you head over to Steph's shop you can see more pictures of each product. Like the pages of the books and stuff. So cute!

Guess what time it is!!

2011-01-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

TAX SEASON!!

I know, January isn't even through yet, but we already have all our forms, so I'm done! I've filed! Yay! Now I don't have to worry about it over the next couple of months.

We tried filing online last year with Taxact. It was a little confusing at first and I was super nervous about screwing it up, but it ended up being pretty easy! Every time I made a mistake it would let me know and I'd correct it and resubmit. AND it was FREE. Federal returns are completely free. And there's no state tax in Wyoming so we didn't have to bother with that. I paid nothing to file and got plenty of money back. :) I like that!

So now I've filed electronically and just get to wait for my e-mail confirming that I didn't make any mistakes and that our return was accepted. And in a few days I'll have plenty of extra cash to play around with!! Yay!!

(And just in case you're wondering, that money will go towards a new leather sectional. I can't wait!!)

Prison time for Murder?

2011-01-25T14:24:00.001-08:00

How much time do you think I would serve for murdering my 3 1/2 year old who just broke my very favorite several thousand dollar custom built entertainment center?? Because right now all I can think of is wringing his tiny little neck!!!!!!!

(And just in case anyone is worried, as angry as I am, which is a MILD term for how I'm feeling right now, I would NEVER lay a hand on my children. Just had to vent.)

My Baby Girl???

2011-01-20T08:02:00.000-08:00

Six years this little girl has been the light of my life. I can't believe it's been a whole SIX years!! She's just growing up faster than I can wrap my brain around! When she was born it seemed like it would be an eternity before she was walking. Now, she's in dance and school and reading and turning into this beautiful young lady right in front of me and there's nothing I can do to stop her! Happy 6th birthday, beautiful Payson! We love you more than you'll ever know!!

13 Weeks

2011-01-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

WOW!! We've made it this far! I can hardly believe it!! We have a fun little home doppler to listen to baby's heart (well, mostly to reassure mommy that baby is still in there!!) and we were finally able to find his/her little heart beating away this morning.

I could go on and on and on about how different it is to be pregnant after losing 3 babies. I was so innocent and naive as to what can actually go wrong during pregnancy with Payson and Jack. And I was so blessed to live that way! I was able to just fully embrace every wonderful moment! This pregnancy has been so different! Having made it to 13+ weeks now I sometimes want to say, "Wow! We're actually going to have a baby this time around!" And then reality reminds me that this is not necessarily true. I don't say that to sound like a pessimist. I don't want to be. But it's the truth. My heart has learned that at any moment everything can change. So I try to change my focus and just live grateful for each moment that this little one is with us.

That said, there is so much hope in that number!! 13 whole weeks!! Is this one really coming in just some short months?!

11 Lessons for Those Contemplating Having Children

2011-01-10T15:25:00.000-08:00

I just read this online. It cracked me up. It's so true! And hilarious! I think #8 is my favorite. :) P.S. I don't know why when I copied and pasted it all went to one side like this. And I can't seem to fix it. Oh well!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

**This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!**

2011-01-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

This handsome guy turns 30 today!! I'm married to an old man. Happy birthday to the best birthday buddy ever! We love you!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-27T12:05:00.000-08:00

Hope you all had a great Christmas! Ours was fantastic. Jason was off the whole week and we did lots of fun family stuff. It was perfect! I could make this another one of my "longest posts in the history of man" but I'm tired and want to go watch a movie with mi familia, so instead, here are a billion pictures!! (Although most of the pictures are pretty fuzzy, either because kids wouldn't hold still or because of the fact that we have an old crappy camera.)

Taking the kids to see Santa Claus at the mall.

Making/decorating a gingerbread house.

All the presents ready under the tree on Christmas Eve!!

Our neighbors gifts, ready to go.

I bought a million white plates from the dollar store and then slapped some vinyl on them to make these cute plates to put our goodies on. :) They turned out so cute!!

Jason and Jack in their pajamas all ready for our traditional formal Christmas Eve dinner in our pjs!

Payson digging in!

Jack being a cheeser.

We don't have a traditional meal each Christmas. We just choose whatever sounds delicious. This year it was homemade Cafe Rio salad. SOOOOOO good! We made the pork barbacoa, the creamy tomatillo dressing, fresh pico de gallo and guacamole, and tortilla strips. We cooked up Tortillaland tortillas which are always fresh and magically delicious. We had fresh cilantro, sour cream, lime, and cheese. The works. It was perfect!! Oh! And Martinelli's of course.

The set up.

After dinner, the kids opened one gift.

Jack was so excited about his Cars ornament.

Payson got Tangled. :)

Growing up we played Christmas Bingo every Christmas Eve. Someone (I think it was your mom, Kimber!) gave us a cute set that my mom still has to this day. But it's starting to get ruined after billions of years of use and storage, so I got myself and my mom a new set this year. A friend of mine makes them and sells them. (Let me know if you want one!!)

I think this was one of the kids' favorite things.

The cute, cute Bingo cards. We used the cereal as our pieces. We planned on using Christmas candy, but ran out....oops.

After Bingo we read some traditional books. We always read "The Polar Express" by Chris van Allsburg and have a little bell we ring to see if we can still hear. :) And "I Believe in Santa Claus" by Diane Adamson, which I HIGHLY recommend EVERYONE read on Christmas Eve. I LOVE that book. It compares Santa Claus to Christ and reminds us all that Santa Claus isn't so commercial, but is a real symbol of Christ at Christmas. It's awesome.

Then the kids left Santa's goodies and a note out by the gingerbread house.

The half eaten treats and Payson's note to Santa. He wrote her a long letter back. :)

We finished by reading the nativity story from Luke. Then the kids checked one last time for Rudolph's nose glowing in the sky outside before RUNNING upstairs and going to bed easier than I've ever seen them. It was rad.

While they were sleeping, Santa filled their stockings and left behind some fun presents.

Red for Payson.

Green for Jack.

And white for the family.

The kiddos were up bright and early to see what Santa brought!

Jack was so excited about his presents! This is the least blurry photo because of ow much he could not hold still.

Payson getting in on the action.

Santa (so smartly) hit up the stores the week after Thanksgiving to stock up on dress ups! The kids have worn them just about every minute of every day.

Sir Jack, the Knight.

Cow girl, Payson.

Bumblebee was a big hit too. As was Spiderman. Payson also got Ariel and a cheerleader costume. She was beyond thrilled.

We always take a break after Santa presents for breakfast. Waffles with fresh berries and whipped cream, juice, bacon, and sausage. So yummy!

After that was all cleaned up we headed back for more presents!!

Jason with his pile of loot.

Payson's stash.

Does Jack look happy about those presents?

AWFUL photo of me! But it's the one and only shred of evidence that I participated in anything this Christmas. So you get afro haired, make up-less, pudgy prego, swollen bosomed me. Lovely.

Payson freaked out when she realized her coolest aunts ever got her a scooter. Jack got one too. They've been riding them around in circles in the house. It's hilarious. Jack even tried to sleep on his last night. :)

It was such a perfect day! We spent the whole day playing as a family. I got everything I wanted (which was simply a blender, the soundtrack to "Newsies", the movie "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers", and a gift certificate stating that I can buy a new leather sectional. Which I've been DYING to do for EVER! I think Jason and the kids enjoyed their Christmas just as much. It was the perfect balance of STUFF and Christ and family.

Now we're getting ready to celebrate the New Year in just a few days. Hope you have all had a wonderful 2010 and are looking forward to an even better 2011!! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Free Willy, Flash Mobs, and Hormones

2010-12-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been ridiculously weepy. Even with so many recent pregnancies, I seem to forget about that sudden onset of crazy emotions that appear as if out of no where whenever they feel like.

Example #1: The other night I fell asleep for my now usual afternoon nap. However my nap took place later in the afternoon and lasted longer than usual, resulting in me up late that night. I curled up on the couch to watch some random late night tv and hopefully fall back asleep. Free Willy was the only thing on, aside from infomercials. And I found myself sobbing at the end as Willy jumps the rock wall above Jesse while Michael Jackson sings, "Will You Be There". Cheesy much?

Example #2: Today I was sent a video of a flash mob singing Handel's Messiah in a mall food court. Again, I sobbed. The music was beautiful and flash mobs are one thing in this world that is still purely good.

I'm sure there will be more moments like these in my future where I find myself wiping away embarrassing tears while watching McDonald's commercials or see two random children holding hands crossing the street. It's silly, but I have to say I'm grateful. Grateful for the hormones that indicate a healthy baby growing inside of me.

Dates

2010-12-18T09:40:00.000-08:00

I have this funny thing with dates. I can't remember them a lot of the time. Ask me if I remember your birthday. I probably don't. But I remember all of my family members' birthdays perfectly. Even a few of my exes and my brother's ex girlfriend. :) Weird. I'll remember certain dates that are a year away, but if I have something specific coming up in a week and it's not on the calendar I won't remember it at all.

The reason I'm bringing this up at all is because I've got some other dates floating around in my head because of this last year. Lots of them. Mostly negative. And they're burned into my brain. I think about them almost daily. Which is really annoying. Especially since I feel like I've healed from our losses this last year really well. Of course I'm still sad, but I feel very much like I'm on the other side looking back most of the time. I can recall the extreme pain, but it's not so fresh like it used to be. So if I think I'm doing so great and feeling so normal, then why are these dates floating around so often??

I have this list. Our first loss was December 19th. That's tomorrow. I delivered my sweet baby boy at home. It was heart breaking. But that wasn't the only date associated with that heartbreak. We found out about our loss on the 16th. And the baby had actually stopped growing even earlier at 8 weeks 6 days. And then baby was due July 6th. Then our second loss was on July 25th. I was 7 weeks 1 day. Due March 12th. I remember all these not-so-random dates perfectly. Constantly.

So all of these dates float around in my head. I find myself marking my current pregnancy by them. Getting past 7 weeks and 1 day was the first hurdle. And it was a Sunday. Same day of the week as my second loss. It was so familiar. I woke up that morning dreaming about finding myself soaked in blood again. But we made it through the day. It was a relief. Getting past December 16th was another hurdle. And getting to today, 9 weeks, 1 day past 8 weeks 6 days, was another. Getting through tomorrow will be one more. December 19th, the one year anniversary of our first loss. Has it really been a year? An entire year of heartbreak?

And we have a few more dates coming up. I want to make it past 11 weeks and 4 days, when I lost our first. And past March 12th when our second should have been born. And July 6th again, when our first should have joined us. And then July 25th, when we lost our second.

Silly dates. Dates no one else in this world will remember. Not even my husband, really. Just me.

But the truth is, there is so much hope associated with other dates that wipe out all of these negative ones. Like July 23rd. The day this little one will hopefully heal our hearts and join our family. Like December 10th, the day we heard that beautiful heart beating away for the first time. And more importantly, like December 25th. Celebrating the birth of a Savior who lived and suffered and died to heal my broken heart. And April 6th. The celebration of His resurrection making it possible for me to live with ALL of my babies again some day. All six of my beautiful babies.

So maybe remembering all of these silly dates isn't so bad after all. Passing each one is a reminder that we have hope. Hope that this little one will be here soon enough. And a knowledge that my Savior has and will continue to heal my broken heart.

2010-12-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

I spent all night last night either trying to distract myself with hulu or sobbing. I tried so hard to sleep, and finally crashed sometime after 5AM. Just in time to wake up a couple of hours later and get Payson ready for school (barely in time, since we slept in!) and Jack ready to go to a friend's house, let alone get myself ready.

We barely made it on time to our appointment. I kept telling Jason that the worst thing they could do was make me wait. I was already sick to my stomach. I had already convinced myself that this was going to be just like the last two. I was preparing myself for the news and was already grieving a loss in my mind. That may sound silly to some, but after the year we've had it felt like the best way to protect my previously broken to pieces heart.

They took us back to the exam room immediately and I was a little relieved to know that I wasn't going to wait. And then more than 30 minutes later the doctor came into the room.

Both Jason and I were pretty quiet the whole wait. I was just praying silently. Just for the Lord to be with me and to get me through what was coming.

The nurse and doctor both asked me how I was doing. I told them to ask me again when we were done.

I had mentioned to the nurse that all I wanted to do was see that little heart beating. She reminded me that sometimes "dates can be off and even if we don't see a heartbeat not to worry". As soon as she left the room I told Jason that I know I'm not a doctor, but my dates have always been perfect. I knew exactly how far along I was. For heaven's sake! I got a positive home pregnancy test before their fancy clinical test could tell! I know my body. If there was no heartbeat, I knew what it meant. She couldn't reassure me.

When they started the ultrasound I saw that sweet little blob on the screen. And nothing. No flicker. And my heart dropped.

(Sorry for the pictures taken of pictures. Jason's working nights and I can't seem to figure out much technology without him.)

And then for just a second, tiny movement right in the middle. I caught my breath and asked quietly, "Was that a heartbeat?!" And the tears came.

My doctor's WONDERFUL assistant unfortunately had a miscarriage shortly before my first one and has been there to talk to me and help me through this entire last year. She had the tissue handy and felt so much more like a friend in the room than medical staff. She passed me a tissue and gave me a loving pat and all I could do was stare at the screen and sob.

The baby was wiggling and it took a minute to get a clear shot of that flickering heartbeat again, but then there it was. And suddenly we could hear that little thump, thump, thump, pumping away at 171 beats per minute. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Yes, more beautiful than my other children's heartbeats. Because with them I didn't understand what a blessing that little beat is.

(See those beautiful waves at the bottom? Funny how something seemingly so simple, little white waves on a sheet of glossy paper, can bring so much happiness!)

And then there was something else on the screen. Another tiny little blob, hiding just below the first. See it down there?

(Not the greatest picture. But it was the only one we got with both.)

Turns out, baby was twins. Who knows why, but apparently only one survived. And I'm okay with that. Does that sound morbid? That I'm okay with losing a baby? But it was so small and so early and we didn't know and I just don't know that it really was a baby. And I'm just so overwhelmed with gratitude that I can't really feel anything else right now.

Baby was also measuring big. Just by a few days. I am 7 weeks, 6 days today. You can see (barely) on one of the pictures that baby measured 8 weeks 3 day, 8 weeks 4 days, and 8 weeks 1 day on a few different measurements. This was just icing on the cake. Since the numbers are so close, my doctor didn't change my due date. Still sticking with July 23rd ish. Although both kids came early. I'm hoping that if this one continues to grow this way and ultimately joins our family that he or she follows suit. I'm not very good at that last month of pregnancy! :)

I think I'm still in shock that things are still going well. I've been so sure that this was over so many times already. And to be honest, I'm still petrified that it won't last. Sure we've made it this far and things are going INCREDIBLY well. But we lost our first baby much later in the game. Exactly 8 weeks and 6 days. Although we didn't find out until much later. I hope making it through next week and passing 8 weeks, 6 days will be one more hurdle passed and one more sigh of relief.

Even then, I'm not sure when I'll feel comfortable and confidant again. Other women I know who have experienced pregnancy after loss have told me things seem to ease up around 20 weeks or so, but never really go away. I hope by then we're relaxing a bit more. And by "we" I mean "me". :) I hope feeling the baby move will be reassuring.

I wish I could share some of the more personal details of today with you all. Some are maybe a little too sacred to share publicly, but I can't believe the blessings our Heavenly Father pours out upon us when we simply ASK Him. He has blessed me so richly, even with my lack of faith and moments of complete weakness.

I found myself thinking about some of the lessons I've learned about faith and my relationship with both my Savior and my Father in Heaven this last year. I wondered if all the pain was worth those lessons. I don't know that I'm ready to say yes. But I know that I am so, so, so grateful for the lessons! And although I have SO much more to learn through this experience and in my life, I do have a better understanding of faith and trials and my Father's love for me. And I don't know that I could trade that.

I've posted much about my Father in Heaven lately. But I haven't acknowledged someone else who has been so important this last year. Another blessing from my Heavenly Father.

Jason has been there for me through my weakest, darkest, ugliest moments. He has lifted me, loved me, and pulled me through. He has supported me and put up with so much of my crazy. He has been the positive when all I felt was darkness. He has stayed worthy to give me priesthood blessings whenever I needed them. He has prayed with me and for me and has been the best partner throughout this last year that anyone could have asked for. There are times we have laughed and wondered how we ended up with each other. This year I have seen why my Father in Heaven gave him to me. He is a more incredible father and husband than I could have imagined for myself. I'm so grateful for him and everything he's done, big and small.

And just to brag a little extra for a minute, I'll tell you a few of the incredible things he's done. Like doing ALL of the laundry one week (on HIS week OFF) so that I could nap. (First trimesters are so draining! And I've been through 3 of them this last year!) He has shuffled kids to and from school and other appointments, done the dishes, cleaned, given me massages, put kids to bed just so I wouldn't have to. And this morning, after getting 4-5 hours of sleep yesterday and then working all night long, he stayed up to come support me at my appointment today. He then came home to get maybe 3 hours of sleep and then work all night again. He may not be out slaying dragons, but he is my knight in shining armor and I love him more and more every second I have with him.

Thank you all so many thousands of times for your prayers and support and love. For your emails and calls and texts and comments. They have seriously supported me through some super rough times. I have felt so much love. And when I felt like my faith wasn't strong enough I knew I could rely on yours. So thank you all for being my friend and for loving me and supporting me through all this drama. I love you all!!

Getting Through Tonight

2010-12-09T16:15:00.001-08:00

My ultrasound is tomorrow morning at 10. I will be 8 weeks on Saturday.

I have loved this little being for 2 months now. Maybe 8 weeks doesn't seem like a long time to some people. Especially when you consider there are still (hopefully) seven months to go.

But I have spent every single one of the last 31 days since we found out about this little one thinking about him/her, praying for him/her, worrying about him/her, planning for him/her, and loving him/her.

So maybe it hasn't been that long, but even just one day of that would have brought a connection between us that no one else has. I am giving this child so much of me. And I don't even mean physically, although there is a lot of that kind of giving too.

And so I am petrified. Nearly paralyzed with fear. I don't know what to do with myself. I have spent today either in tears, sleeping, zoning out trying not to think about it. (Except for a much needed 2 hour escape with a friend for lunch.)

All I can do is wonder. Will there be a beautiful little heartbeat on the screen along with that sweet little body? Will that precious baby be wiggling and reassuring its mama? Will there be innumerable tears of joy shed?

Or will this be like the last few times? Will there be silent clicking as the ultrasound technologist tries desperately to find that little flickering heartbeat? Will there simply be an "I'm sorry" in place of the "congratulations" we so desperately want to hear? Will I shed tears of sorrow and grief once again for my sweet unborn babies? Will I see glances of pathetic sympathy from everyone I pass as I leave the doctor's office?

I am trying so hard to have the faith I need to get through this! I am trying so hard to not let me fear be stronger than my faith. But my fear is so strong and so real and so fresh and raw. It is so hard!!!!

I can only pray for the strength to accept my Heavenly Father's will, whatever it may be. I can only ask Him to hold me as I wait and wonder.

I don't know if I have the faith to move mountains or to prevent miscarriages. But I know that I have faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. I know He loves me and wants only good things for me. I know He blesses me daily with little miracles. I know He has surrounded me with the most loving and amazing people He can to help me through whatever I'm facing.

And more than anything I have faith in the power of the atonement of His Son. I know that with that power I can face the scariest and hardest things in my life and I will be okay. It won't be easy. It will hurt. But I can get through it. Whether it's just the awful waiting tonight, another devastating loss, or anything else I face. I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, are here for me through every moment of it. And with them, I'll be okay.

Am I Worth It?

2010-12-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

I was reading the Book of Mormon this morning. We received a challenge from both our Bishop and our Stake President to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. Well, I'm a tad behind and have some catching up to do. So I was doing LOTS of reading this morning. :)

Anyway, I happened to be reading in Mosiah. King Benjamin is speaking about how worthless we all are. How our Heavenly Father has given us EVERYTHING, including lending us breath for a time so we can live on His earth. He is speaking of how we should serve one another to repay our Heavenly Father in part for all He has given us.

But then he reminds us that even that isn't enough. Heavenly Father answers our prayers and blesses us for serving. So not only has he given us life and everything on the earth, but then he gives us even more blessings when we try to repay him. So we are never even. We are always indebted to Him.

For a moment I felt pretty worthless. And then the thought struck me that those feelings came directly from the adversary and no where else.

I was immediately reminded that I am NOT worthless. I may not be able to repay my Father in Heaven or my Savior for all they have given me. But to them I AM WORTH IT. Otherwise, why would they continue blessing me with all that I have?

I'm so grateful for that reminder this morning! That even with my millions and millions of imperfections and inadequacies, I am of significant worth to my Heavenly Father. Each of us are. Simply because we are His.

2010-11-30T20:54:00.001-08:00

I don't know what to title this post. I don't really even know what to write. I'm sure words will just flow, but they are not organized in my head like my posts sometimes are.

I don't know how to really express what I'm feeling and make anyone understand. And the truth is, even if I did, the only ones who would really get it are the ones who have been in my shoes.

I fear judgement. I don't know why. I usually don't care what others think of me. I just try to be me. But this part of me is the most vulnerable part of me that has ever existed. It is terrifying to put it out there for others to read and form opinions on.

I am pregnant. This is my third pregnancy in the last year. Less than a year, really. It wasn't exactly planned, but it wasn't really unplanned either. We thought we would wait a while still after our second loss in July. But things just didn't work out that way. I am now 6 1/2 weeks.

I have debated whether or not to share, who to share with, etc. We have never been secret keepers. But this news isn't the exciting kind like our first pregnancies were. We now know a new reality. Pregnancy does not equal baby. It should, but it doesn't always.

So it hasn't been easy to figure out how to tell someone. When they congratulate me and ask how I'm feeling I don't know quite what to say. I don't know how to express myself without sounding completely pessimistic. Because I'm not! I really, really am not! I just DON'T KNOW!! It's early. And I don't know if this will be like the last two or if third time's a charm. And no matter what anyone says, they don't know either.

So I've told a few close friends and family. People I know will understand me. And they really have. I've been able to talk openly about how I feel, positive or negative.

I had decided in my head that no matter what, I wasn't going to announce a pregnancy and a miscarriage on the same day again, like last time. That was horrible. And I don't want to do it. But I've wondered how and when I wanted the world to know.

I finally decided tonight. On Sunday I will be 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. July 25th of this year was also a Sunday. I was also 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. It's too familiar and there has been so much fear in my heart in that realization!

I need people to know. I need people to know that regardless of the outcome I love these babies. They are my babies! I am their mother. How could I not love them, even if only for a short time? I hope with everything I have that I will hold this one in my arms. But if I can't, I need the world to know that it hurts. I know I'll be okay, but it will be so, so hard! And facing that unknown is just so terrifying.

So far things are looking good. At least as far as we can tell. I knew immediately that I was pregnant. I was barely 3 weeks. Meaning that technically I'd only been pregnant for barely a week. I took a home test and it was surprisingly positive that early. I immediately called my doctor, as he'd advised me. They got me in a couple of hours later.

The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative. The lab tech apologized. I told her it was fine. I still knew I was pregnant. I have been through it five times. I know how it feels. So I asked her if we could do a blood test to confirm. She said they don't generally approve a blood test without a positive urine test. I asked her to check anyway. My doctor heard my name and immediately signed the referral.

Jason was confused by the results. He picked up a digital test (the first home test had been regular) and asked me to take one. It came back negative. I knew it would. It was early and I had been chugging water all day. We were testing water.

An hour later the blood test confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant. Betas were low. Only 14. Just proved that it was still early.

They ordered another draw a week later. That one came back 139. It was doubling every 1.2 days instead of every 48 hours, like it was supposed to. A good sign. But still too low for a sonogram to pick anything up. We needed to be at least at 1200.

So the doctor started me on hormone supplements and scheduled another draw a week later. This time we were hoping for at least 1200. We hit over 9,000. Someone said to me, "Either you're having triplets or that baby's on steroids!" I said I'd take what I could get but one steroid baby would be just fine.

My doctor won't be in the office much for the holidays so the sonogram isn't scheduled until the 10th. A week from Friday. I'm anxious, terrified, nervous, excited, fearful, hopeful, you name it I feel it. I just want to get there and to know. I want to see that heartbeat. I want confirmation.

But even then, I don't know if we will make it further. Anything can happen. And I suppose I'll feel that for quite a while, until we either lose the baby or I've gotten far enough along to ease some of my anxiety.

In the mean time please pray for us. Of course I'd love for you to pray for this sweet baby. Pray for it to grow and grow and grow!! But really, what I need is prayers for me. Prayers that I will be able to accept the Lord's will no matter what that is.

Christmas Cards!!!!

2010-11-29T09:40:00.000-08:00

We are completely inconsistent about holiday cards. Some years we do them, some years we don't. And usually they're cheap and not so cute when we do. But GETTING holiday cards is one of my favorite things about Christmas time! I love catching up with everyone and seeing cute family pictures. It's so fun to go to the mailbox and find a fun CARD instead of bills or junk mail!!

This year shutterfly is giving away 50 free holiday cards to bloggers! So of course we're taking advantage. :) AND their cards are completely adorable! There are plenty to choose from so I don't even have to worry that one of you will steal this genius idea and happen to have the same card I do. :)

I'm loving all these fun colors! And I love that I can create our holiday cards at home. SOOOOO much easier than trying to figure it all out while standing at a kiosk at Walmart like last year! And they have calendars and invitations and birthday cards. Jason wanted to make his mom a 2011 calendar for Christmas (hope she's not reading this!!) which will be ten times easier now. And we have tons of birthdays in January in our family, so we may be stocking up there too.

I'm still undecided on which photos and which cards we'll be sending out, but go here to sign up for your free cards!!

P.S. If you want to receive our family Christmas card this year leave me your address in a comment or email it to me! I got a new computer in January and all of my addresses were saved on the old one. I wasn't smart and didn't transfer them over.

The end of the Gratitude Posts

2010-11-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm done with my gratitude posts. No, I didn't post everything I am grateful for. Just some of the many, many things. Some days it was harder to come up with something and other days it was hard to choose between so many.

For those of you who didn't care for them, congratulations. You made it through. They're over. :) And for those of you who enjoyed them, including me, I think it will be a goal of mine from now on to post some things I've been grateful for every week or so. Nothing specific. But I definitely want to keep reminding myself of all my incredible blessings.

I'll end my gratitude posts with one last one. The last thing I've wanted to post about is my Savior, Jesus Christ, my Heavenly Father, and all they have given me. They have blessed me with an incredible family to grow up in and learn from. I have an amazing husband and beautiful children who support me and love me unconditionally. I have the gospel in my life. That one comes with a lot. Scriptures, the gift of the Holy Ghost, a prophet, apostles, and leaders to all guide me. The blessings that the Temple bring to me and my family. A knowledge of my Heavenly Father's love and concern for me. And the atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Because of that I can repent daily (and more often when needed!) and try harder every day. I can strive to live worthy to live with Him again and to spend eternity with those I love.

I'm so grateful for those things and the richness that they bring to this time of year! Without those things this Christmas season would be so meaningless! I am grateful for that knowledge and for the birth of Jesus Christ that we get to celebrate this month.

I hope you all had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving! I can't wait to post my pictures from our trip! :) Now Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Gratitude on Thanksgiving!!

2010-11-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!! Today I'm grateful for about a million things, but especially for all the wonderful memories I'll be making with the people I love most while eating the yummiest food in the world!!!!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Gratitude Day 24

2010-11-24T18:36:00.000-08:00

UGH!! I have the cutest picture of me and my sisters and this won't let me upload it!!!!

Today I'm grateful for sisters. :) For nearly 14 years I was the only girl in the family. Now I'm hanging out at the condo and getting to spend time with my two little sisters. Most people probably take their sisters for granted. I left home when they were 4 and 5 ish...maybe younger. We didn't get to live together for very long and I missed that a lot, especially when they were young. Now it's so fun to watch them grow up from a distance. They have come out to stay with me during summers and weekends and it's always a blast when we get together for family vacations. LOVE these girls. They are my favorite!!

Gratitude Day 23

2010-11-23T18:35:00.001-08:00

Today I'm grateful that we made it safely before the storm to the condo in Park City. Now I'm going to enjoy some time with my family!!

Gratitude Day 22

2010-11-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

Today I'm grateful for my cute parents. They have called me so many times today to make sure that we knew about pending storms and to help us figure out when the best time to drive would be. :) They're always so concerned about us and have never had anything but our absolute best interest at heart. They are ALWAYS there to listen or give advice when I ask. They both always say the right thing, even when it's not what I might WANT to hear. They have prayed for me every day of my entire life. And I have felt those prayers when I've needed them most. They have been the best example to me of righteousness, even when they've made mistakes. They showed me how to apologize when they were wrong. They have taken us on the best vacations and provided all kinds of awesome memories for us growing up. I can't say enough about all of the things they've done for me. It would take me days to post it all. You should just know they're pretty incredible. And you should be totally jealous. Because my parents are way awesomer than yours. ;)

Gratitude Day 21

2010-11-21T23:58:00.000-08:00

Today I'm grateful that kids are so resilient. Payson woke up super sick late last night and puked in multiple spots on the floor. Not so fun for cleaning. We had a long night together on the couch with towels and a big bowl, but by morning she was perfect again! I kept her home from church as a precaution, but she's been totally fine. I hate lingering bugs and am so glad that she got better so quick!!

Gratitude Day 20

2010-11-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful tonight for the Sabbath. I love that no matter how crazy my week has been or how busy I am with meetings on Sunday I always feel recharged and refreshed. Taking the sacrament helps me recommit to being better throughout the upcoming week and gives me the strength to overcome the challenges I face. My meetings take my mind off of silly worries and direct them towards serving others. And best of all I get to spend the day with my family who I love so, so, so much!! I'm so looking forward to tomorrow!!

Gratitude Day 19

2010-11-19T20:56:00.001-08:00

I'm grateful for Bunco. Mostly for the fun I had with the ladies in our group tonight. I hosted and sometimes I stress out unnecessarily over things. I did that this week. But tonight was worth all the stress. I love getting together with such awesome women and just laughing until we pee in our pants. I love watching timid friends come out of their shells. I love getting to act like a teenager again for just a little while. I'm grateful that life is to be ENJOYED, not just endured!!

Gratitude Day 18

2010-11-18T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm most grateful today for this one:

That sweet boy has two sides, for sure!! He can be completely sweet one moment and then throwing a full blown tantrum the next. But for the most part he is just a sweet, sweet boy! He's such a mama's boy and I love it! He loves to snuggle me and gives the world's sweetest kisses. I honestly can't get enough of them!

I love bed time with this kid. After baths and stories and prayers and everything he climbs into bed and gets the most cuddly. He'll rub my face or my arm for a minute and then curl up close next to me and doze off. And is there anything cuter than a sleeping baby? (Yeah, I know he's almost 3 1/2, but he's still MY baby!!)

I'm so lucky to have Jack. I love every day with him. I love picking him up from preschool and hearing what he's learned. I love the funny things he says and does. I love how smart he is and watching him soak everything up! I love watching him play "Cars" or "Toy Story" and quoting all his favorite parts from the movies.

I'm so grateful for my baby boy and his beautiful blue eyes and that gorgeous grin of his!!

Gratitude Day 17

2010-11-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

Today I'm just grateful for being grateful. That may sound silly, or maybe even like a cop out. But the last few days have been jam packed with busy-ness and stress. It has been so good to sit down at the end of the night and think about what I'm grateful for during the day. It gives me a few minutes of peace and even on my worst day I can find so many things to be thankful for. I keep considering continuing this in some form after November. It feels good to focus on positives. Especially for a complainer like me who is so good at whining about the hard things. Having this silly little goal of posting one thing I'm thankful for each day has been significant in my daily life. Every time I've started to get too stressed I've been reminded to be grateful. I have so many blessings!!!!

Gratitude Day 16

2010-11-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm grateful for the upcoming holiday. I've been super stressed the last week or so and there's just more stress to come. And I keep getting through it because I know that in just a week I'll be in a condo in Park City without a care in the world surrounded by my favorite people. I love getting together with my family and just hanging out. We laugh a lot. They are fun! I love having my husband around. I love watching my kids play with their aunts and uncles and grandparents. I love being with my cutest sisters and pestering my brothers about who their dating. I can't wait!

So tonight I'm grateful for the promise of some incredible stress relief with my fam.

Gratitude Day 15

2010-11-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Both my Bishop and Stake President have recently issued challenges to our ward to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. The Stake President specified that he wanted us to read with a small notebook to keep track of our thoughts and feelings and to mark passages specifically about the Savior.

Initially I felt that this challenge was overwhelming. I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to reading. And then I realized I need to simply MAKE the time. If I can find time to do the things I WANT to do, then I should SURELY be able to find time for this. So I have.

And I have received strength daily as I read. The is a power in the scriptures. I find myself humming the tune to "Scripture Power" each time I think of it. :)

Because I want to be like the Savior, and I can

I'm reading His instructions, I'm following His plan

Because I want the power His word will give to me

I'm changing how I live, I'm changing what I'll be

I'll find the sword of truth in each scripture that I learn.

I'll take the shield of faith from these pages that I turn.

I'll wear each vital part of the armor of the Lord

And fight my daily battles, and win a great reward

CHORUS

Scripture power keeps me safe from sin

Scripture power is the power to win!

Scripture power, everyday I need

The power that I get each time I read.

This song states how I feel EVERY time I read from the scriptures. I have found a peace and happiness each day as I have followed the counsel of my Stake President and Bishop. I am so grateful to the Book of Mormon and for ALL scripture. It is uplifting and holds real power. It allows me to strengthen my testimony line upon line, precept upon precept.

I have such a deep love for the words of the Savior, my Heavenly Father, and His prophets. I LOVE feasting on those words each morning. I hope to instill this love in my children and everyone I meet! I want everyone to feel the things I feel when I read.

If you would like to know more about my church and about the Book of Mormon pleas go here.

Gratitude Day 14

2010-11-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

I'm so thankful today for music. Lately I have found that when things get tense at home music will turn it all around. If the kids start fighting and arguing I turn on our Primary songs and things calm down within minutes. On Sunday's we play hymns and primary music and other LDS music all day and it brings an incredible spirit into our home. The kids have come to love it as well and immediately turn it on in the morning or right when we get home from church. I love the way it affects each one of us. Everyone is calmer and happier when we have good music playing.

We have even come to leave the tv off and just play music. Whether it's Disney songs, musicals, oldies, or anything, as long as it's uplifting we have it playing almost constantly. The kids rarely watch television and movies anymore (except for our designated family movie not on the weekends, of course!) and seem so much happier to play together instead of zone out on the couch.

Music helps me through my day when I'm feeling flustered or angry or overwhelmed. It soothes me and helps me to focus on things that are important. I am so grateful that my parents introduced me to so much good music growing up and that I am now able to share that with my family.

Gratitude Day 13

2010-11-13T22:40:00.000-08:00

Can I be grateful for my husband again today? He got up this morning and worked from 4am until about 9pm. He then had family scriptures and prayer with us, helped me put kids to bed, ate his dinner, and then helped me clean the bathroom before going to bed. Not because I asked. (Because I specifically told him he should be in bed!) But because he knew I was overwhelmed and exhausted and that I had to get up early too. Although early for me was 6. He was up around 3! What an amazing guy!!!! I am so so so blessed to have him.