One week down!

HOLY COW!!

It has been a great week!! I feel better emotionally, physically, and spiritually. My week has not been perfect. Not even close. Not emotionally, not physically, not spiritually. But I feel better all around than I have in the last several months. I feel so much happier. Not that I haven't been happy. But I wasn't taking care of myself, on top of that big black cloud of miscarriage that I was buried in for a while, and that left me feeling....blah.

But after 1 week of eating better and focusing more on my personal scripture study and prayers, and just 3 days of working out, I feel so awesome!! WHY oh WHY would I EVER stop? I don't want to give this up. So if you see me eating crap or hear me talk about skipping my workouts or something, SLAP ME!! Thanks. :)

Anyway, I'm down about 4 1/2 pounds this week. And that's with some strawberry shortcake at a RS thing one night, and then the next day I totally blew it. A friend brought me frosted orange rolls as a thank you for helping her with the RS thing. I had one and gave the rest to my neighbors. Thought I was being good. And then that night I was rushed and we ate out and then had a movie night with treats. I ate 2 brownies. Oops! :) But then I was good the rest of the week. So that's how it should be! Every once in a while I can just let loose and eat whatever I feel like, as long as I am keeping myself in check and don't let one bad night turn into a whole day or a whole week or a whole month.

Yesterday I woke up a little sore, but not sore enough that I was going to let it keep me from working out. So I did week 1 of Bootcamp. I just let myself do the beginner versions of everything because I didn't want to overwhelm myself and then wake up with stiff muscles and not be able to do day 2 of training. It was still really hard for me, but doable. And I felt so good afterward!! Then I woke up this morning. Definitely a little more sore, but stretching felt so good!! That feel good hurt, you know?

I noticed that I've slept so much more soundly the last two nights. In the last week I've gone from staying up super late, sleeping restlessly, forcing myself out of bed for the kids, and then dragging all day long, to going to bed by 10 at the latest, sleeping soundly (even if the kids wake me up at night), getting up feeling refreshed at 6 am, and feeling energized throughout the day. I love that!! (I still plan on working my way down to waking up at 5, but for now, I'm just sticking with those baby steps!)

When we went out for our run/walk this morning, Payson asked if we could go a different way. Sure, why not?! We turned right instead of left. I like new scenery. There were a few small hills, but they are everywhere. Completely unavoidable in this little town. And then...ugh. This mountain of a hill. If I had been there even 2 weeks ago, I probably would have just turned around and gone a different way. But not today!! We headed straight up that mountain!! And I even ran parts of it. I about died (especially pushing that flippin' 70 pounds), but I did it!! And then, for the most part, the rest of our run/walk was downhill.

You would not believe how impressed I was with myself after!! For some, it might seem like such a simple thing, to conquer this stupid hill. But for me, it wasn't about the hill. I was conquering me. I didn't quit. I worked hard. I pushed through. And I was so pleased with myself! I may not love running, at least not yet. But I absolutely love the way I feel physically and emotionally when I finish. LOVE IT!!

So now I head into week 2. I'm trying to use what I have in the fridge before it goes bad, so planning meals will be a little harder this week. But that's okay. If I can get past that hill, I can plan a few meals, right? Of course, I don't plan on tackling that huge hill again for a while. I'm feeling a little more stiff than I'd like. Borderline pain. I want to push myself, but not more than I'm ready for.

So wish me luck on another week!! And JOIN ME!! Seriously! Let's keep each other motivated! Let's brag to each other about how well we're doing and encourage each other on rough days and share recipes and tips! Who's in?!?!?

Training Day 1

You are all going to probably get sick of reading about my eating and exercising and weight and blah blah blah. But its my blog/journal and if it bores you then don't read it! :)

I planned to wake up bright and early this morning. Five AM. That way I could have lunch, get ready, read scriptures, and some other things before the kids were up. Then I could get them up and fed and ready and be out the door by 6:30 or 7. But that didn't happen. Kids were in and out of my bed all night and I didn't sleep well. So I hit the snooze button and we all slept in until nearly 8. Oops!

But we didn't let that stop us! We got up and had breakfast and read scriptures and all of that. Then I bundled up the kids and threw on my running shoes, grabbed my ipod and water, and we headed out the door!

We walked down the street to the park. At the park there is a trail that leads down the hill to a paved pathway that runs all through town and along the river. It's called the Green Belt. LOVE the greenbelt. We took lots of walks there last summer. It's beautiful, even when everything is dead and brown. And it's just peaceful! So we played some MJ tunes and walked/jogged up the trail and around until it brought us home.

The training schedule started me out with a 5 minute walk, then I jogged a minute, walked a minute, for about 20 minutes. Then another 5 minute walk to cool down. It ended up being a little over 30 minutes simply because we had to walk to the trail and walk home.

It was hard. Doable, but hard. It shouldn't be that hard for a 26 year old to do that. But I've completely let myself go since I got pregnant with Payson. The trail has hills, and I was pushing over 70 pounds of kid and stroller, so I'm giving myself credit for that. And I'm so glad that I actually started. For me, starting is one of the hardest parts.

But it also made me sad to realize how much I let myself go. Why haven't I taken better care of my body? This is the only one I get and I've just trashed it! Sure it could be worse, but it could be a LOT better. I will be a lot better.

I really do want this to be the end. I don't ever want to post again about how I'm starting over and how I've gained the weight back and I have so much work to do. I want this to be it. I want to get healthy and STAY healthy!! I really, really do! I know how to do it. I know what foods are healthy. I know how to have less healthy things in moderation. I know how to exercise. I know how to push my body, but not too hard. I know HOW to do it!! The thing I don't know is how to keep myself from quitting.

I need to understand myself better. I need to really study myself and figure out what I'm thinking when I give up and how to fight those thoughts. I LOVE how I feel when I'm being healthy. I love the feeling of planning and eating delicious HEALTHY meals. I love not eating until I'm stuffed sick. I love the energy I have. I love the self esteem I have when I do it. I love the endorphins from the workouts. I love seeing myself get stronger and smaller. I love the way that it affects the rest of my life. I stay on a better routine which is great for me AND for my kids. I am more productive during the day. I have more time to play with the kids because I'm not wasting time being lazy. I am happier! So what makes me want to give all of that up? What is it that I think is worth losing that happiness? Is food really that important to me?

Anyway, enough of that. So because I signed up for the 5K and am focusing on getting ready for that, I'm not sure if I'm going to do the bootcamp workouts in between. I want to, but I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much too soon. I guess I'll just see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow. Hopefully I will really want to do it. But if it feels overwhelming, then I'll just wait a week or two to add it in. We'll see.

Thanks for your support. It really makes a difference to me. It helps me to stay motivated. So thanks!! And keep wishing me luck! Because I think I'm going to need it every. single. day. :)

Oh dear...What have I done?!

I'm terrified. Seriously. SOOOOO scared! I just signed up (and by signed up I mean actually paid money) for my first. race. ever. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

You see, I work with the most wonderful chorister ever in my primary. Doreen. Doreen is just simply an incredible woman. And on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend 2008 Doreen lost her husband, Keith, to SADS (sudden arrhythmia death syndrome) while he was preparing for an upcoming marathon relay.

I never knew Keith. We moved here the November after he died. But I know Doreen. And if she chose Keith above all others, well, then I have no doubt in my mind that he was simply incredible, as she.

And so I have signed up to run in the 2nd annual Keith L. Young Memorial Race. (I think I've gone crazy.)

The race is just a 5k. I say just for all you runners out there. But for ME this may as well be a marathon. The last time I actually ran a mile was....get this: NEVER.

You read that right. I never even jogged a straight mile. Ever in my life. Unless the elliptical machine counts. Which it doesn't. Even in junior high, I walked or barely jogged most of the fun run. Pathetic, I know.

So know I've gone completely mad and plan to run this race on May 22nd. Exactly 2 months from Monday.

I went out today and bought a double jogging stroller for the kiddos and first thing Monday morning the training begins. I'm so flipping terrified! Have I mentioned that?

But also ridiculously excited. I need to push myself physically. I have put off getting into real, good physical shape until I'm 26. Waiting even longer scares me more than this race does. How much time do I really want to waste? No more. So even though I don't yet have the faith in myself, I'm doing it. I will follow the training program and I will finish the race, whatever that takes.

Pray for me. Wish me luck. And please. pretty please, don't laugh at me!! :)

To Anonymous

I got this comment from Anonymous on my last post:

"I think you are trying to lose the weight to fast. Whenever you lose that much weight in a short period of time it ALWAYS comes back! It is good to eat healthy. Stay away from processed foods!(I know its hard)And when you do eat some, just don't over indulge. Listen to the Lord(word of wisdom)he made our body's, he must know whats good for them. Grains, fruits and veggies. Good luck you just got to make up your mind that your going to be happy no matter what! "

First off, know that I am not at all offended by this comment!! I know that whoever you are you were just trying to give some good advice. And you did!! I agree with everything you said in your comment. Except that first part. :) So I thought I'd explain myself.

I know that when I try to eat healthy I lose weight VERY quickly in the first few weeks. It just melts off. After that first little bit, it slows WAY down. To the regular 1-2 pounds per week. I don't change what I'm doing at all, that's just how my body does things. It is ready to get rid of the weight and let's it go quickly. Then, after a certain point, it regulates itself and I'm just like everyone else. That is how I lost 30 pounds in just over 2 months last time. The bulk of that weight was lost in the beginning. After that I was losing 1-2 pounds a week. Although I was eating as a vegetarian, which probably quickened the weight loss. However, I am not doing that this time. But I AM eating WAY less meat. (More on that in a minute.)

Just so I don't give anyone the wrong idea about what I'm doing here I thought I'd share an email I just wrote to a friend (Hi Kathlen!!) who wants to join me. (Remember how I can't write a short post? Well, I can't write a short email either.) :)

I'm so glad you want to do this too!! It's nice to not be alone. :) And it's so helpful to keep each other motivated!! What kind of info do you want? I'll tell you what I'm doing and then you let me know if you want more info than that!!

So I have a little notebook. And every night before I go to sleep I write down the next day's date, and plan out every meal and snack I'm going to have that day. I also have a little place where I write down my weight and water intake. So today's looked like this:

Weight: 188.8 lbs.

friday, march 19th, 2010

water: ll (I just make tally marks here for each 8 ounce glass of water I have and make sure it's AT LEAST 8 marks.)

breakfast:

1 cup special k cereal with 1/2 cut skim milk and 1 cup fresh berries

snack:

1/2 an apple and 1 ounce nuts

lunch:

1/2 grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread with mozzarella cheese (light on the butter) and 1 cup vegetable soup, 1/2 an apple

snack:

1/2 bell pepper sliced and carrot sticks with bean dip

dinner:

bean and veggie enchiladas

If the portions seem too small they do to me sometimes too. But I'm trying to make sure I'm watching my portion control and the truth is that after I've eaten that amount I feel satisfied. I'm trying not to get full. I want to listen to my body and feed it when it's needs food, but not let myself get to starving. And I want to stop when I'm satisfied and not get to that stuffed point. And on days where I feel like I'm getting hungry, I might add an extra healthy snack in there. Or if 1/2 an apple wasn't enough at snack time, I'd just eat the rest of the apple and write it down. I'm not trying to be extreme. I just want to teach myself to only eat what my body really needs.

Also, yes, I weigh myself daily and write it down. This is what works for me. It might not work for you. But I don't pay attention too closely to those numbers during the week. Only on my "weigh in" day. I just look at what I've lost between Wednesday and Wednesday. I just like weighing daily so that I can show myself how what I ate the previous day affects my body. But like I said, you have to do what works for YOU.

How I plan my meals is simple. I know what is healthy. It's on the food guide pyramid and it's in the Word of Wisdom. I've studied both. And I use common sense. I know that each day I need protein, dairy, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables. And I know that fats are okay in moderation. So I I just start with dinner. I am trying to plan my weekly menu, which helps. If I'm not getting a lot of vegetables in my dinner then I know I need more for lunch. If I had two pieces of toast for breakfast then I know I should have less carbs throughout the day. Simple things like that.

Although I am not eating vegetarian any more I AM eating a LOT less meat. For example, on Wednesday I had a tuna sandwich. But yesterday and today I got protein from beans and nuts and had no meat. But on Sunday we're having hamburger stroganoff. Eating as a vegetarian for a few months last year taught me a lot about different sources of lean protein. I can get it from nuts, eggs, peanut butter, even cheeses. And I take a vitamin supplement to make sure I'm getting the nutrients I'm missing from not eating as much meat.

Also, I'm allowing myself treats. I know I'm only on my third day of starting fresh, but last night we had a RS thing. They served dessert. It was a strawberry shortcake. I ate a piece. And I didn't feel guilty. I had eaten perfectly the entire day. And guess what! I still lost weight! Of course I won't eat treats every day. And I still have to be very careful about my treat portions. It's SO easy for me to have 3 pieces of cake when I planned on just one small one. But that's okay.

I've also decided that Sunday dinner doesn't matter. On Sunday we will have whatever sounds delicious. I can make my less healthy recipes that my family loves, watch my portions and have more of the veggies or salad and not feel guilty. It's one meal. And it will make Sunday dinner something to look forward to. A reward for doing so well all week. I have so many recipes that my husband and kids love that are SO fatty. Poppyseed chicken, hamburger stroganoff, broccoli cheese soup. They are delicious but so bad for you!! But I also have some yummy favorite healthy Sunday dinners. Lemon pepper salmon, vegetable lasagna, ratatouille. So on Sunday's I might not eat perfect. But I'm okay with that!!

That's my eating plan in a nutshell. As for workouts, I'm starting Monday with Lindsay Brin's 12 week bootcamp program. I LOVE her videos. I work out for 20 minutes and FEEL like I've been through a vigorous 1 hour workout. It saves me time and gets me feeling good. It builds muscle and burns fat. And each week is a new workout. So I never get bored. LOVE that!! But you can do anything to work out!! We just need to start moving, right? I think I'm also going to start the couch to 5K training program in between Lindsay's workouts. I have always hated running. But I think if I start slow and train for this 5K in May then I'll be motivated. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll convince some moms in my ward to join me. :)

Anyway, let me know what you're planning and how it goes for you!! We'll have to keep in close touch and motivate each other!! I know I need it. I'm so ready to be done being fat. Really. Thanks for your comment!! I heart comments. Don't we all? :) Anyway, good luck!!

So maybe you still think I'm trying to lose weight too fast. I think I'm just being sensible. What works for me might not work for you. Honestly, I think what broke me last time was the vegetarian thing. I think it became overwhelming and I just gave up when things got hard. So this time WILL be my last time!! Is there a possibility I could turn myself into a liar? Sure. But I'm just going to keep telling myself that this is it, because if I don't believe it, it won't happen.

Anyway, I like hearing what you think. Even if you don't agree with me. So let me have it! I can take it! I'm ready! :)

Here we go...yet again!

Do you ever make the same stupid mistake over and over and over and over and over and over and over again so many times that it makes you want to scream at yourself until your throat is raw and you just can't stand it anymore? No? It's just me then.

Okay, well, that is how I feel about myself lately. You see, I am overweight. (Shocker, right?) I don't like it. It makes me unhappy. And I know exactly how to fix it. So WHY HAVEN'T I?! I'll tell you why. Because my emotions like food. And sometimes, it's just easier to feed them instead of dealing with them.

I was talking to two friends the other day. One is feeling a little like me and the other is an aerobics instructor. She has 5 children. But has delivered 7 full term babies (2 still births). SEVEN pregnancies. And she's itty bitty. I'm completely jealous. Anyway, back to my story. So overweight friend is asking tiny friend about how to lose weight and get back in shape and tiny friend tells us that her mom used to say, "If you want to know how to lose weight, ask a fat person. They KNOW."

I laughed so hard!! It's COMPLETELY TRUE!! I KNOW how to lose weight. I'm REALLY good at it! Ask me what to eat or what workouts to do and I can give you all kinds of useful information!

But I don't just want to know it. I want to BE it. Remember last year when I was doing so awesome and blogging about my progress? I dropped 30 pounds in just over 2 months. I felt AMAZING! And I was beginning to look amazing, too. And then some emotional stuff popped up and I got lazy and gave up. Ugh.

Well, I'm done. I'm tired of feeling like crap. Life is hard enough without not liking your body. I have a friend (Hey Shan!!) who is making choices each day to work hard and is doing awesome. And she has just as much emotional crap to deal with as anyone else. If she can do it, I can, right? And she's not the only one out there motivating me right now. (Hi Shauna!!) :)

But the icing on the cake is Payson. She had a bit of a meltdown a couple of days ago. She cried and cried to me about how we "NEVER eat anything healthy, EVER!!" And asked if we could never go to McDonald's ever again.

Deal.

So for the last two days we have made a VERY conscious effort to eat better as a family. I'm not dieting. I'm not going vegetarian again. I'm just making good choices. And starting Monday, I'll add workouts back into the mix. (I'm taking baby steps here.)

How do I feel? Deprived? Tired? Unhappy? Absolutely not! I am enjoying the foods I'm eating even MORE than the junk food. I have more energy to get things done throughout the day (although I crash at night, which is actually great because I'm sleeping better). And I am so pleased with myself I could jump up and down and scream!

So I'm going back to posting regularly about my progress. That was a great thing for me. It kept me accountable and having you all to cheer me on was really helpful. So expect an update every Wednesday. :) And since I didn't post two days ago, I'll give you the info now. It's pretty embarrassing for me. But the truth is, the number on the scale isn't any more embarrassing than the size of my body, right? So here it is:

Total weight as of first thing Wednesday morning: 191 pounds

(That would mean that after doing all that work and losing 30 pounds I gained it all back and then some. Ugh.)

Body Mass Index: 30.8

(Normal for me is 18.5-24.9, and I'd like to be on the lower end of that spectrum, ideally.)

Yuck. BUT, the good news is, after only two days I am already down from there. Yay!! Now I just need to keep it up. Make habits. Permanent changes. And YOU all need to remind me of that when I feel like I'm slipping!!

I'm even thinking about signing up for a local 5K the end of May. Something to work towards over the next 2 months.... We'll see!! If it weren't snowing outside right now (dumping, really) I'd be more motivated to do that. Running outside in the sunshine is much more appealing. :)

Anyway, so here I go again. Wish me luck, again. Third time's a charm, right? What about the thirty-third...

This is me rambling about primary. :)

First off, thank you so much for your comments on my last post. I had a sort of rough week, but that was a really rough day. Thanks for helping me to get through it! I'm feeling much better today.

Now, PRIMARY. We have the biggest primary in our stake, however it is probably half the size of a lot of Utah primaries (since that's where several of you readers are). Each week we have about 40-50 kids in attendance.

We have one by who is special needs. He has Asperger's Syndrome. He was really difficult before he was diagnosed. After that his parents have done everything asked of them by his doctor's and have been open with us about the things they are learning. They have shared with us and taught us so that we better understand how to interact with him. He is excelling!! Even participating! on his own level! I get so excited to watch him progress. It's so, so neat!

But progression and success for him are on a different scale than the average kid. Every now and then he will lay on the floor instead of sit in his chair. But the fact that he is quiet and not bugging other kids or spitting or screaming is a success for him. Although, lately, he isn't even on the floor. He's doing so good!!

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is because I'm struggling with reverence and behavior in our primary. There are some really great times. When certain difficult children aren't there, things are much more reverent. Those are exceptional weeks. However, I don't believe that we should only be able to feel that kind of spirit in Primary when certain children are or aren't there. I think these harder kids are capable of behaving better.

I am sincerely concerned about children in today's world. I have noticed, for the most part, that the kids that are more difficult in our primary are children who have both mom and dad working outside the home, home's are not clean and tidy, video games and other technological entertainment are almost constant, and parents seem to be okay with it!

Am I saying that every mother should stay home with her children regardless of the situation? No. Am I saying that everyone's homes should be spic and span at all times? No. Am I saying that video games and the like are of the devil and should never be played? Absolutely not.

I am blessed to stay at home with my children. However I understand that some families need that extra income. Do I think that a lot of families could live with less and make more of an effort to be at home with their children? Sure. But sometimes it's not an option. And either way, it really isn't my place to say what's right for someone else. But I DO have a problem with letting the children suffer because of it. In situations where the child's behavior is affected changes MUST be made! Whether that means making arrangements to live on less and stay home, part time work instead of full, making better childcare arrangements, or simply making a greater effort during evenings and weekends, I don't know. But I do know that when something is working, you have to make a CHANGE.

As for the clean home issue, well, you've seen pictures of my house recently. It's not always clean. However, it always gets clean eventually. It doesn't last long. I am FAR from perfect. I hate cleaning. Loathe it. But when I see how it is affecting me and my children, I do it anyway. Because it helps everyone to feel at peace when I am at home.

And last, video games. We own a Wii gaming system. We play it. However, we play less than an hour a day, and not even every day. Maybe a few times a week. I monitor what games come into my home. I own nothing violent. Well, we do have a shooting game, but you aim at cans and balloons. No hunting down criminals or any other humans. No blood at all. Sure my kids are little and aren't yet interested in those types of games, but I can assure you that I will never allow them in my home. Will they play them at friends' homes without me knowing? Probably. I was a kid not too long ago. I'm not stupid. I know they will be exposed to that stuff. But not in my home. And I will strive to teach them better and then hope and pray that as they grow up they will realize that mom was right. :)

Kids now live in a chaotic world. And most of the kids in our area live in chaotic homes. My heart breaks for them. And I want to help. But these things, and others, are things that I can't control. I can only do what I think is best in my own home and pray for these other children.

What can I do? I can not be responsible for what happens in their homes, but I AM responsible for the Green River 5th Ward Primary. And that means that when they are under my supervision they will be help to a higher standard. They will be expected to behave in a way that I know they are capable.

You see, today was a crazy day in primary. Kids were noisy and irreverent, bugging their neighbors, laying on the floor, running around the room, crying for their mothers, escaping and wandering the halls. CHAOS. Are. You. Kidding me. I was appalled! I mean, I know they are children. I know they will not sit perfectly still and reverent for 3 full hours. But THIS was ridiculous!

I took one crying child out in the hall and tried to calm him. After a while, I took him to his mother. When I came back, another (one of our hardest) had run out of the primary room. His teacher was trying to convince him to go back in. I gave him a choice. He could choose to go sit reverently or he could go sit with the bishop (for this particular child, going to mom is what he wants, so instead of rewarding him we take him to the bishop). He chose none. So I chose for him. When I couldn't find the bishop I just took him to his mom. Because I have other responsibilities. I can't spend the entire time in the halls with difficult children. When I returned I spent the rest of the meeting separating kids who were having a hard time staying reverent, pulling kids out from under tables and chairs, and just trying to keep myself calm.

I had had enough. When the children joined for singing time they went nuts. I stood at the front of the room and told them how disappointed I was. I told them that I knew they could do better. I had seen them do better. That this behavior was just not acceptable. I explained to them exactly what I expected from them and then waited while each of them slowly started to obey. When they were ready I turned the time over for singing time.

Ahhhh. They sat as reverently as I've seen any other primary sit for the remainder of the time. A few individuals needed reminders, but as a whole, they were awesome!! Such a simple solution!! EXPECT MORE. That's it.

This is how I plan to handle every bit of every Sunday from here on out. I plan to meet with all primary leaders and teachers and explain to them that I expect THEM to expect this kind of behavior from the children. These kids ARE capable. I have seen it. These teachers are not called to simply teach a lesson each Sunday. They need to help teach these children reverence and how to listen to the spirit. I can't do it all by myself. I think many of them are overwhelmed with the chaos and have simply given up. They try to manage it rather than reverse it. Hopefully we will all be able to work together to make each Sunday as calm and reverent as the last 20 minutes of this week were.

Any tips? Anything that has worked for you in your families or if you are in the primary, with your primary?

I miss him.

I should be 22 weeks tomorrow. I should be feeling my little boy move and kick and do somersaults in my belly. I should be rearranging Jack's room to make space for his new brother's things. I should be worrying about how I'm going to handle three instead of two. I should be moody and hormonal and crazy. I should be sharing all of my pregnancy experiences with all of my friends and family members who are pregnant right now. I should be picking out baby names. I should be getting bigger and rounder and wondering if my maternity clothes are really going to make it until July 6th. I should still have a stupid ticker on my sidebar, counting down the days. I should be reading stupid articles on Baby Center about fetal development. I should be freaking out over all the little things that could go wrong, but most likely won't. I should be driving the 3 hours to Utah to visit with my midwives every month. I should be pulling all of the old baby clothes and blankets and toys and such out of storage and washing them and getting them ready to use again. I should be shopping for a minivan or SUV to fit 3 car seats and looking for someone to take my Stratus. I should be placing my kids' hand on my belly hoping that they'll feel that little life inside wiggling around and helping them to comprehend how amazing this little spirit is. I should be sweating even though it's in the 30's outside. I should be getting the last few glimpses before my toes disappear for a few more months. I should have strangers randomly touching my belly inappropriately. I should be filled with so much joy knowing that in just a few short months I'll be holding that sweet newborn boy in my arms and smelling that yummy, replicable baby smell.

But I'm doing none of those things. And although I'm doing so much better and the pain has dulled and the waves come less frequently, I don't want to pretend that it still doesn't sting. That every other woman's pregnancy related news isn't just a swift kick in my gut. I still ache for a baby, my baby.

I worry as certain dates draw near. One week out was hard. One month out was harder. 20 weeks, knowing we'd be seeing our little guy in an ultrasound video/pictures was heartbreaking. Starting my period was wonderful and awful. At first it meant my body was getting back to normal and we'd be able to try again soon. And then the next moment it was a slap in the face, laughing at me and screaming that I was no longer pregnant. As if I had forgotten.

I realized today that it's March. Spring officially comes in just a few weeks. I am looking forward to Spring. The warmth, the new growth. But Spring promises Summer. A few months will go by so quickly! And suddenly it will be July 6th. And I won't be having a baby. Will I even be pregnant again at that point? Or will I still have this empty ache inside of me?

I don't feel this way most days. Most days I have too much else to focus on to let these thoughts surface. Most days I have a clear understanding of why this happened. I realize that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I realize that He knows better what I need. Obviously right now wasn't the right time for our little family to grow.

But today I just miss him and everything he meant to me. Today I'm just a little sad again.