I am...was 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. We were elated. We decided to wait to tell the world, not because of the miscarriage, but because we really felt that everything would be fine this time around. I just wanted to see how long I could keep it a secret. For fun.

I woke up in a pool of blood this morning. Of course, we lost the baby. I don't know how to do this again. Please pray for me. For us. We need so many prayers to get through this right now.

Dinner!!

I have lots of fun summer activities to post, but no time! So you're just getting a quick list of what's for dinner this week!!

Tues: Bean and Veggie Enchiladas

Wed: Leftovers

Thurs: Turkey Meatball and Orzo Soup

Fri: Order Pizza

Sat: Szechwan Noodles and Broccoli

(this recipe without the pork)

Sun: Lemon Pepper Salmon, Rice, and Asparagus

(No recipe link, but this is such an easy dinner! I steam the asparagus, make chicken flavored rice-a-roni, and just put salmon filets in a baking dish with a little butter, lemon pepper seasoning, and fresh squeezed lemon juice and bake it uncovered at 400 for about 20 minutes or until cooked through.)

Mon: Creamy White Bean Italian Soup

P.S. Have you noticed that Bean and Veggie Enchiladas are on the menu for the third week in a row?? That's because as much as I try to plan out our weekly menu, something is bound to happen during the week and this particular meal has been bumped a few times now. Luckily most of the ingredients are canned, so I don't have to worry about things going bad! Love that!

Another Week of Meals

I generally do my meal planning on Monday, so I plan meals out Tues-Mon. Just in case you were wondering. Also, a couple of last week's meals weren't made. Life just got busy and we went out to eat once, and another night we just had more leftovers. So a couple meals may seem like repeats, but they're not.

Mon: Vegetarian Chili and Cornbread Muffins

Tues: Shrimp Tacos, Cilantro Lime Rice, and Guacamole Salad

Wed: Shredded BBQ Chicken Sandwiches, Fruit Salad, and Fresh Veggie Tray with Ranch Dip

Thurs: Bean and Veggie Enchiladas

Fri: Pizza or Take Out (out of town)

Sat: Leftovers

Sun: Szechuan Pork and Green Beans with Brown Rice

Mon: Broccoli Cheese Baked Potatoes

So what are you having for dinner this week??

Miscarriage

First of all, thank you for all the love and support. Ruth, your comment is exactly how I felt before going through a miscarriage myself. I don't think I ever said anything to anyone going through a miscarriage that was terribly insensitive. But I definitely thought about how it couldn't possibly be that big of a deal. Or at least, it might be for a little while, but it must be something that was "gotten over" quickly.

I think part of this thinking comes from the fact that in the past no one talked about miscarriage. You didn't even mention that you were pregnant until at least 3 months, so if you lost your baby no one knew and you suffered secretly or just among close family.

But a quick emotional or physical recovery is generally NOT the case with miscarriage. It took me at least 4 full months to feel mostly back to normal emotionally after I lost the baby in December. And after that I still had some really hard days. There are so many crazy and conflicting emotions to deal with. And physically, it took an entire 6 months to feel "normal" again, what with the surgery and everything else. And then trying again after you feel you've healed emotionally and/or physically brings about a whole new world of crazy emotions to deal with. It's HARD.

More and more women seem to be announcing their pregnancies a little earlier, or at least talking about their miscarriages. Which I personally think it such an important thing! TALKING about what you're going through, whether with close friends, a support group, or even anyone who will listen, is SO healing. In general, there isn't much anyone can say to make it easier. It's just one of those things in life that you have to process between you and your own relationship with God. But putting your feelings to words can be the best thing in the world.

I have dreaded my impending due date since the day I found out I'd lost the baby. And now that it's over I feel this huge burden is lifted off my shoulders! I feel like I can breathe! I can remember the baby I lost, all the things I went through and experienced these last several months, and what I've learned and look forward. I can feel happiness and joy without this all-encompassing ache overwhelming everything.

Having a miscarriage changed who I am, and sometimes I didn't like the changes at all. But overall, I feel like I'm a more compassionate person, a better mother, and a little bit closer to my Heavenly Father because of it. And like a friend recently said to me, I don't have to be grateful for the pain I went through, but I can be grateful for those things. (Thanks Kristin. I love you!)

P.S. If you are interested, a good friend of mine from a miscarriage support group (Love ya, Vane!!) wrote a great article on miscarriage and how to deal with it or some tips if someone you know has had a miscarriage. She had a bunch of us from the group contribute and the article really says things perfectly.

Due Date

Today is my due date. Well, would have been, I guess. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. On the one hand I'm still heart broken. I wish I were ending a pregnancy today and starting life with my baby! I want so badly to be doing all of those things you do when you have a newborn. I want to be waking up every few hours at night and falling in love with this little person over and over again instead of waking up with anxiety attacks multiple times a night. I want to spend my days cuddling and feeding and changing and sleeping.

But on the other hand, today I feel so much stronger than I was six months ago. I have learned so much, most of which took me until just recently to learn. A part of me wants to say that I'm grateful for what happened because of who it made me. I feel like I am a better person because of it. But the other part of me just can't say it; it feels too morbid to be grateful for the loss of my baby.

I don't know when or how the emotions will hit me today, but I know they'll come. And I'm okay with that. I've learned that in the midst of this trial I can find joy with my children and family and in my life. Hopefully I can focus on that today and be grateful, even for my trials.

What's for Dinner

A few friends have recently started posting their weekly menus on their blogs and it's been fun to get ideas and see what other people are making. It's also encouraged me to be better about cooking for my family (again). So I'm joining in! Here's what's for dinner at our house this week (with links to recipes in case you want to try some)!

Monday: Tomato Sandwiches and Fruit Salad (I don't follow a recipe for these.)

Tuesday: Bean and Veggie Enchiladas (these are super filling and have tons of veggies and beans so they stand on their own, no sides needed)

Wednesday: Homemade Personal Pizzas (dough recipe found here)

Thursday: Vegetarian Chili and Cornbread (from a jiffy box)

Friday: We'll be at a family reunion, so I have no clue! But just for fun, last week we made polish sausages with fruit salad and carrots and celery with ranch dip.

Saturday: Still at the reunion. Last week we had Tuscan Pasta Dinner. It was to die for. Super easy and yummy and filling.

Sunday: Shrimp Tacos, Cilantro Lime Rice, and Guacamole Salad

I'm really looking forward to trying those recipes for he first time on Sunday. It sounds super easy and SO yummy!! So what are you having for dinner this week??

Jack's 3rd Birthday

For Jack's actual birthday we went to lunch, Jack's choice. I assumed he would pick McDonald's. But he chose Applebee's. So, of course, we went. It was just me and the kids. Jason was on graveyards so he was home catching what little sleep he could. At lunch they brought Jack a balloon and sang to him and brought him a dessert. He was loving all of the attention!

While we were finishing up a random woman from the next table over approached Jack and said, "Happy birthday, little guy!" And handed him a $5 bill! I was so surprised! And he was so proud of his $5.

After lunch Daddy met up with us on his way to work and we headed to the store and found Jack's bunk bed and bedding. And that's about all there was to his special day. But he didn't care at all!!

Jack's celebration was so small because we knew we would be in Utah in just a week or two for a big family party at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Jason and I had been gone kayaking in the morning, so my brother, Devin, and his girlfriend, Amanda, took the dog, my two little sisters and the kids for a hike up to Bridal Veil Falls. Then they went out to lunch and to the park to play for a while.

Later we met them at the park and then headed home to swim in Grandma and Grandpa's pool! We spent several hours out back playing and soaking in the sun. I don't think any of us could ever get enough of my parents' backyard.

After exhausting ourselves in the pool we headed in to bathe kids and get jammies on. Then I made everyone a super yummy dinner (grilled chicken and broccoli pesto alfredo penne with french bread and salad covered in Olive Garden Italian dressing). I have to brag about dinner. It was super fattening and delicious.

And after dinner the party began! Everyone was there but Brennan. We had to start out with our traditional singing of "Happy Birthday" completely off key. Jack soaked up the attention. He actually started singing "Happy Birthday" to himself as soon as I lit the candles. :) He was ready to go!!

After Jack blew out the candles (in one breath!!) he dug into presents.

With a little help from Daddy, of course. (Look at those two handsome boys!! I am one lucky girl!)

After each present was opened, Jack would quickly shove it out of the way, ready for the next one.

Jack had a couple of favorites. First was Slinky Dog. Jack is obsessed with all things Toy Story and has a million Toy Story toys. Randomly, he started begging me for a Slinky Dog toy the week before we headed down to Utah. Luckily, my sister's had randomly picked out a Slinky Dog for him without even knowing! So that one was definitely a hit. And he is still playing with it daily.

Next was Devin and Amanda's gift. Devin had called me earlier in the evening to ask me if I thought fireworks would be a good gift for Jack. I responded that Jack is THREE. Devin kept asking, and eventually asked both my mom and Amanda before Amanda finally picked out a more age appropriate present from them.

Amanda totally scored with her gift. She got Jack a couple of Toy Story treats and a box of Toy Story Mac and Cheese and wrapped them all separately. Jack had barely torn the corner of the wrapping paper when he SQUEALED, "MAC AND CHEESE!!!!!" We all cracked up. Who knows why, but he was REALLY excited about that Mac and Cheese!!

Then the best part of all, Amanda picked out a Buzz Lightyear costume for Jack which I have trouble getting off of him. He is in love with it! He runs around screaming, "To infibity....and BEYOND!!" It's hilarious. It really was the perfect birthday present for this Toy Story fanatic.

Aunt Madie even helped Buzz to fly around the room. And here's Jack opening a gift from Grandma and Grandpa:

He hasn't been too happy with me. He wore that fishy shirt this week and I haven't done the laundry yet (shame on me for only washing clothes once a week) and he's going crazy wanting to wear it! Oh well! He'll have to wait until Tuesday!

Anyway, Jack had a great birthday and crashed in his Buzz Lightyear costume that night. I had to peel it off him so he wouldn't choke on the hood or anything while he slept. He sure was one happy boy! And we love him like crazy!!!!