Pretty sure that all of my posts will be really whiney until this baby is OUT...

So I have 4 weeks until I'm done. Yeah, the countdown says five. But I'll be induced a week early due to baby's size and Jason's work schedule if it hasn't come before then. Which it probably won't.

Anyway, four weeks. Four weeks would normally seem so short, but right now those four weeks are FILLED with way too much to get done and no where near enough time to do it all. And I'm alone. Jason is working for another week and a half or so. And I have bronchitis. And I'm swollen and in pain constantly. My back and feet can hardly take anything. Grocery shopping is a chore. Rolling over is a chore. Cleaning and laundry and cooking...chore. See what I mean? Whine, whine, whine. It's all you're going to hear for the next few weeks.

McKenna, why don't you just ask for help from you amazingly wonderful friends??? Good question! Because my laundry isn't done and I'm sitting around in my underwear. (TMI?) And I'm so freaking picky about how things get done that I honestly believe it would stress me out MORE to have help than to just wait until I'm feeling a little more up to it all. Ridiculous? Yeah. But true.

Getting Ready for Baby

I realized this week how much time I actually have until baby arrives. Both of my babies have been big. Both of my babies have been early. And with Jason's work schedule and location, this baby has an eviction date set for July 16th so that Jason can be sure to have time off and be here for the big debut!

That leaves me with 6 weeks and 2 days. BUT...next weekend we will be out of town for a couple of days. Then Jason leaves for two weeks and I won't have his help getting things ready. Besides that, my little sisters are coming to stay for a week of that time and we'll be too busy playing and having fun to prepare for baby. Then we have about a week and a half of Jason being home before we head to Utah for a family reunion. And at that point I will be staying in Utah until baby comes, just to be safely close to the hospital.

So realistically I have a little less than 3 weeks of time to prepare for this baby. And the rest is taken up with activities, visitors, vacations, etc. THREE WEEKS! That's it!

After realizing that I immediately put together a list of baby-to-do's and a timeline to get everything done. It's going to be busy, but it's doable. So today I pulled out my boxes of baby clothes, ready to sort through and wash everything so it's ready for use when Cletus arrives.

It was so fun to look through what both Payson and Jack had worn as infants! And to remember how TINY they were!! It was SOOOO long ago! But as fun as it was, I was completely disappointed. Both boxes of clothes had several spit up stained outfits that I know I will never put on this new baby. Trash. :(

And the rest...well...the rest is just all old and faded and used. Big surprise, right? No. But I just want to have the new fun clothes for this baby the way I did with my other kids. It's one thing that I'm really looking forward to and is helping me to get emotionally ready for this baby's arrival.

Problem is, we knew with both Payson and Jack what we were having. And I had baby showers with both of them. So we were completely prepared in the clothing and gear department with each of them.

This time, we have our own guesses (Jason votes boy, I vote girl) but we really have no clue! So how do I prepare for baby? I have onesies and things, but I don't want closets full of white and green and yellow. I want fun new colorful summer outfits for this baby. I want this baby to wear things that make me smile. Not faded old hand me downs. :(

Is that shallow of me? Yeah, a little. But with Payson and Jack we took what we were given or what we could afford. We're in a different position now financially. And really, I'm just okay with being a little shallow about what I put on my baby!

So apparently, this baby will live in nothing but diapers and onesies for a little while until I'm feeling up to heading to the store...or until I am awake enough in the hospital to order a whole new wardrobe online. :)

Things to Catch Up On

*Easter

*Mother's Day

*A Few Fun Outings with the Kids

*Payson's Dance Recital

*Jack's Last Day of Preschool

*Preparations and Projects for Baby

*How I'm too exhausted to even think about all the things I'm missing in there.....

30 Weeks

Today isn't an extraordinary day. In fact, it's a very, very ordinary Saturday. Jack had a fever yesterday, and although he seems to be doing much better today, Payson has caught whatever he had. So we're lying low. Jason is home. We have stocked up on treats for the day and a couple of movies too. We're just lounging around the house in our pajamas, enjoying each others' company. Most of the time, at least. :)

But as of today we are 30 weeks pregnant. Officially into that last quarter of pregnancy. It's so weird for me to think about. The first several months went so slow! I was so unattached. And at the same time I was constantly worried about every little thing.

Then I started to ease up a little and try to embrace and enjoy this pregnancy. And that's when Sammy died. And I was too busy and too overwhelmed with grief and sadness and aching for my friends and with missing little Sammy to worry about pregnancy. And now that it's been 2 months (and one day exactly, but who's keeping track?), and everyone's lives seem to be back to normal, I'm trying again to go back to normal too.

But "normal" just feels weird these days. I'm trying so hard to focus on this baby coming in just 9 weeks (I'm not due for 10 weeks, but if I haven't had the baby by then I'll most likely be induced). I'm trying to plan and prepare and get the shopping and storing and washing and cleaning and projects done so that everything is ready in two months.

But every baby thing I think of reminds me of Sammy. I think about shushing her when she was fussy and wanted to be held and no one else could calm her. The way I would hold her and swing her and sing to her and quiet her. And then she would just sleep in my arms while her mama cooked or ate or worked on a project and I would just watch that sweet, beautiful face sleeping peacefully. She would just nuzzle right in and completely relax. Oh how I miss holding her sweet little body against me and just snuggling! Sammy knew how to love! I just miss feeling that love from that sweet baby girl. I miss Laura needing me to come hold her. I miss bragging that Sammy liked me better, even though I was secretly jealous that I wasn't her mama.

And planning and preparing for my baby is such a strong reminder of the absence of Laura's. I struggle to attach and be as excited as I remember being for Payson and for Jack. There are just so many strange emotions surrounding all of it. I don't even know how to explain it all.

But I know that I have to try harder to embrace it. This baby deserves to be looked forward to and celebrated and anxiously awaited too. And I know that Sammy is up there prepping him or her. Probably warning this little one of all the crazy it's getting itself into down here. She may have only spent 8 weeks with us, but that 8 weeks was filled was some hilarious moments that I'm sure Sammy won't leave out. :)

And so today while we watch movies and snack on treats and relax I'm working on some online baby shopping and art projects for baby's room. I'm going through the motions in hopes that eventually it will feel more exciting.

However, I have to add that one thing with this pregnancy is just the same as all the others. I have PLENTY to complain about!! :) I am miserable already with 2 months to go. And I know it will only get worse. The back pain and braxton hicks and feet in the ribs and constant bathroom breaks and lack of sleep are not my favorite.

Although even as I type I stop to watch Cletus (we affectionately call him/her "Cletus the Fetus" rather than "It") roll around under my belly. Seeing the movement rather than just feeling flutters or kicks makes it seem so much more real. So there are things to enjoy too.

Anyway, I am trying to prepare in these last quick weeks. Mentally and emotionally and physically and every way I can. Because 9 weeks will FLY! With school finishing up and a dance recital and my sisters coming to stay and doctor's appointments and a family reunion and Jason's work. Life is going to go too quickly, I'm sure. And sooner than I can imagine this baby is coming! Ready or not!!

Tired.

I am always busy and always tired. Always. But lately it has multiplied. I find no time or energy for things I cared about before. I'm too busy trying to just get the minimum done so that I can sleep or rest. I feel like my body is on full speed ahead and I just can't keep up.

And baby is starting to let me know very clearly when enough is enough. Contractions come hard and fast when my body needs a break. And then, whether I have the time or not, I have to stop and lay down and drink and rest until it goes away. And it's happening more and more often lately. 3 more months of that. Ugh.

Pregnancy has never made me so tired. This time around has felt much harder on my body. Although I've also never had so much on my plate during a pregnancy before. All good things. But busy time consuming things. And even on vacation I feel like I am desperate for a break.

So now I'm off to stop complaining to cyber land and to go rest. Because even after the best possible night's sleep these days I still wake up exhausted.

I have so many thoughts and experiences to write down. The last almost 3 weeks has been the most difficult and most incredible of my life. And nothing even happened to ME. But I am so grateful for the test because I am learning so much! Maybe this weekend with conference things will be calmer and I will have time to share some incredible miracles I've seen recently. I need them written before I forget. Until then, I'm so tired I can barely type. Good night.

I don't want to post. I don't want Sammy's face to slip down beneath new posts. I love pulling up my blog each day and seeing her. Tuesday Sammy is what we call that picture. :) Tuesday was such a good day. There was so much to smile and laugh about. Sammy was so snugly and sweet and smiley! Tuesday was such a good day!

And there are still good days. There are still things to laugh and smile about. It's just shadowed by this melancholy feeling. This loss to us all. We can laugh and joke and play. We can enjoy our children. But beneath it all we are all worried and sad. We are all trying to grieve our own minuscule loss while doing everything we can (which is so very little) to help our dear friends.

I hope I don't ever sound like I'm bringing this loss back to me as I post. I will never deny that I am also grieving for Sammy. I miss her. I ache to hold her. I cry for her daily. But my missing and my ache and my tears are NOTHING compared to the missing and ache and tears of her mother and father and family.

The reason I say that is because I talk here about me. This is my place. My journal. I write my feelings and no one else's. And I don't want that to sound as if I'm making this loss about me. I can only write my side of this story. And that is what I will put here. And I don't want that to be read the wrong way. Because I have already watched others make this about them and it makes me so very angry!!!

We have a strange little group here. Strange in the most wonderful way. We see each other almost daily, and when we don't we are texting or talking or whatever. We laugh and have ridiculous inside jokes and share way too much with each other. We drive our husband's crazy. But we love and support each other in a way that I don't think most women understand. I don't think many women have what we have. And it has been such a blessing in the last week and a half!

Sammy's passing has been all consuming for us. We have spent countless hours together talking and crying and laughing and remembering and wondering how to help and planning meals and childcare and cleaning and finding anything and everything we can do to keep our minds from wandering to our own grief.

I found myself talking with one friend yesterday about how overwhelming it has been at times. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I found myself wishing for a break. Just a day or two to relax and do nothing and to escape it all. To just not remember and to get away. And my next immediate thought is Laura. How I'm sure she wishes that she could have a break. For just a day or two. To relax and to do nothing and to not remember her hurt and pain. How she and Kasey must be so desperate to go back to Saturday. How they would trade in all the stress and worry of that day just to have their Sammy back in their arms.

And I am then reminded that I must turn to my Savior. I NEED His strength. I need Him to carry me through my physical and emotional exhaustion so that I can ease theirs. I need Him to make my hands His so that I can serve them as He would. I need Him to make my lips His so that I can find the words that He would have spoken to them. I need to make my arms His so that when I embrace my friends they can feel His love. I need to become like Him so that they feel Him near when they are near me. So that they can feel near their perfect Sammy when they are near me. I need to be more like Him so that I can feel that peace and strength that I need so desperately right now.

I keep wondering how we are here. How I am not just a child watching my mother and all of the grownups around plan a funeral and make meals and help with kids. How is this happening to MY friends? How are we here? How has this happened? How was she here one beautiful moment and gone the next? But none of that wondering matters. What matters is what I allow Sammy to teach me. She served and is still serving her mission for our Father in Heaven. She came to teach me to serve and to love and to live better. She came to show me what perfection is so that I can strive to emulate her life. She came so that I could learn to be like Sammy, in and turn, so that I could learn to be like my Savior.

What a gift to have known Sweet Sammy. To have loved her and to have held her. To have been taught by a perfect angel of the Lord.