Lacking in Posts

There are a lot of reasons that I haven't posted in about a month now. Most of which I don't feel like delving into at the moment. Lately I feel torn. Sometimes I feel like I don't care to post. I'm just too tired and it's not a priority. But it's really the only form of record keeping I do. It's my only journal/scrapbook/etc. So I really need to catch up and get back in the groove.

How about you? Have you slacked in your posting lately? Are you even still reading this old blog?

My Couch

One year ago today, Sammy died. Life changed dramatically in a matter of a moment. Somehow we all managed to breathe through the crushing grief for an entire year. A year. It's been a year?

It's been a strange day. I've been through the motions of a seemingly "normal" day. Got kids ready and off to school. Had a dentist appointment. Laundry. Dinner. Baths. Family scriptures. Nothing unusual.

On the inside, though, I've been thinking back to one year ago all day. The moment I heard Laura's voice. The moment I saw Kasey over his daughter. Praying with Sammy's sisters. The police officer's face when he told me. The feeling of Laura and Kasey in my arms as they wept. So many images.

But one thing has stood out to me in a strange way over the last year that I haven't ever acknowledged out loud. My couch.

I had wanted it for so long. I hate my couch. It was a light, micro fiber sofa. It was filthy. It absorbed every bit of dirt it could. My kids had drawn on the cushions. There were stains on every side of every cushion. I hated that couch and I'd given up trying to keep it clean at all. It was so ugly and embarrassing. It wasn't even very comfortable.

So we bought a perfect leather sectional with our tax return last year. I was so happy to throw out the old couch! I couldn't even bring myself to sell the sickening thing. We just left it outside for whoever wanted it.

I was so proud of my new couch! (Still am.) It was pretty and clean and bigger and more comfortable! And it was leather. That meant low maintenance cleaning! :)

It's been over a year since we got that couch. And now, it is so much more than just a couch to me. That couch is a sacred place.

This couch is a sacred place for my family. It is where we play together. It is where we lounge together. It is where we celebrate together. It is where we hold Family Home Evening and family scriptures and prayer. It is where we (sometimes) sleep or eat together. We do so many things together on this sacred couch.

One year ago today, this couch became a hallowed place for me. It is where I knelt and prayed for my friends. It is where I watched them tell their daughters, with grief and faith, that they're sister was with their Father in Heaven. It is where we grieved, day after day. It is where hands were placed upon heads, and sacred priesthood blessings were pronounced. One year ago today, this couch welcomed and invited. It offered a place for friends and family to mourn and grieve and cry and love together.

I see it every time I look at my couch. I don't love this couch because it's pretty or comfortable. (Although it is.) I love my couch because of what it means in my life. Because it is a sacred, hallowed place. Because every time I sit there I think of Sammy, so small, being nursed by her mommy. I think of the example she set and the lessons she and her family have taught me over the last year. I think of the services that have been given to me because of her. I think of the way she changed me as a mother.

My couch is a sacred, sacred place.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill (Payson) rolled down the hill

to have some fun outside.

Jack fell down and bonked his crown

and cut it open wide.

Jason and the kids were outside taking advantage of the unseasonably warm weather. Lucas was sleeping so I was getting some much needed quiet time. Next thing I know, I hear crying coming up the stairs and Jason walks in carrying Jack with both of them covered in blood.

Apparently the kids were rolling down the hill and Jack somehow managed to smack his head pretty good on the cement/metal drainage grate at the bottom. I hate how much head injuries bleed. It always seems worse than it is at first.

I had planned on giving Jack and Jason haircuts tonight, especially Jack since he was getting pretty shaggy. So we did it early to get a better look at the cut. After the haircut, I gave him a shower and cleaned up the cut as best I could first aide style.

I can see it much better now, but I'm not sure what to do with it. It's still oozy and bleeding, but not dripping like before. It's not a horrible cut, although there's a huge goose egg on it. (I already gave him some children's Tylenol as a preemptive strike against the massive headache I'm guessing he will have.) I just can't decide if I should take him in for stitches or not yet. It would probably only end up being one or two little stitches. But I hate going in for nothing. I guess we'll just watch it for another hour or so in hopes that the bleeding stops.

Funny how when it's your baby that's injured you react differently. I've never been one to panic over blood. It just doesn't really bother me. On the outside I calmed my boy and got him all cleaned up. On the inside, I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. I hate seeing my babies hurt. I always feel a sick rush of adrenaline that takes too long to dissipate. I don't like it. I'd rather get adrenaline from jumping out of a plane.

Edited to Add:

I ended up taking Jack to the InstaCare. It just wouldn't stop bleeding. They stapled it. It was traumatizing. For Jack. And for me. Do you know they don't numb kids up for staples? Nope. They just pop those suckers in their poor little heads. It's horrible. I hope I never have to do that again.

I missed date night.

Tonight, for the first time in MONTHS (like 7 or 8 or more months), I went on a date with my husband. Just the two of us.

We've been on several dates in the last several months, but we always ended up toting the baby along. It was still nice to get away and go out, but there was always a third wheel, so it wasn't quite the same.

For Christmas Jason gave me tickets to a play. No babies allowed at the play. So we were forced to leave him with a sitter and the older two for the first time. I was pretty worried. Would he decide to be hungry? Would he be fussy for the sitter? Would he be scared or miss me? All the silly mom worries.

Turns out he was fine. :) And it was sooooooo nice to be away with just my boyfriend! (He's the husband most of the time, but on date night he's just my boyfriend again.) :) I've had a really rough few weeks, so I was really, really needing the escape, even if it was only for 3 hours.

We've already started planning next weekend's 100% child free date night.

Am I Ready??

I had a baby....got all motivated and lost a bunch of weight...made it through the holidays...started (another) a blog about it....

...and then quit. Again.

Luckily I've just fluctuated within a 5 pound range of my weight loss. I haven't gained it all back. But I have completely lost motivation. Almost every day for the last few weeks I've woken up and said to myself, "Today we're getting back on track!" And by that afternoon I've given up.

I have about a million excuses. And some of them are really good. Especially the one when I haven't had a good night's sleep in MONTHS. I'm sooooo tired!

But I'm getting tired of my own excuses. I'm getting tired of eating way too much pizza while watching the Biggest Loser and thinking about how great they are. I'm getting tired of waking up motivated just to disappoint myself the same day. And I'm really getting tired of the way I feel. Gross. Fat. Tired. Sluggish. Lazy. Ugly. Worthless. Hopeless.

So I took a small step today. A really small step, but a step still. I downloaded a book to my kindle and started reading.

Are You Ready!: To Take Charge, Lose Weight, Get in Shape, and Change Your Life Forever by Bob Harper. THE Bob Harper. He's going to be my personal trainer now. :)

All kidding aside, I looked through the descriptions of a lot of weight loss books this morning. I knew I needed something to get me off my butt, but I didn't know what. This particular book stood out to me not because it was from the tv show I love, but because the entire first 1/3 of the book focuses on your heart and mind.

That's what I'm missing. My heart and mind aren't in it right now. I know the stuff. I know I need to eat right and exercise. I even know a lot of great recipes and workouts. I know lots of tips and tricks and rules. But my heart and mind haven't been in it lately. And that needs to change.

Right now, the only thing holding me back is ME. I am too busy telling myself that I'm fat, ugly, lazy, unmotivated, etc. I'm too busy telling myself that I've failed at this a hundred times before and I'm just going to fail again. I'm too busy telling myself that maybe I'll be able to do it when Lucas is sleeping through the night, or I'm not nursing anymore, or the kids are out of the house a million years from now and I can focus on myself.

But I know that when those things happen I'll have a new set of excuses holding me back. So today I'm going to focus on reading this book and working through the emotional part of this process. And when I'm ready I'll take another step and clean out my fridge and pantry. I'll make a meal plan with healthy foods. I'll go to the grocery store. I'll force myself to go to sleep at a decent hour. I'll workout. When I'm really, really ready.

As for today, I'm going to keep reading. I'm going to focus on my heart and mind. I'm going to work on being ready. Really ready.

Funnies

Life has got me laughing a lot lately, so I thought I'd share a few funnies.

The other day I overheard Jack talking on his toy cell phone. It sounded like a pretty serious conversation. "I'm sorry. We're just not debt free yet, Dave!" So I asked Jack who he was talking to. Looking at me like I was brain dead, he says, "Dave Ramsey, Mom!" Duh!

Then yesterday my little sister Mare got her wisdom teeth removed. We went over in the afternoon to take her juice and ice cream and other mushed food she could eat and to just hang out and keep her company. My parents were given strict instructions to video Maren, just in case she was funny, after her surgery. Although it's said that girls are generally less funny and more emotional than boys. And they tend to come out how they went in. Maren was anxious and weepy, so they weren't expecting much funny.

Turns out, Maren was a crack up! We watched the video and we were all laughing pretty hard. There's a good 45 minutes of goodness. Oh man. And Jack has been quoting her all morning. :) It's hilarious!

Maren made awesome facial expressions, sang like a pro, and fought ninjas. At one point she even pressed imaginary buttons on her arms while making "button noises", and then said into her imaginary intercom, "Buzz Lightyear, to the rescue!" Ha ha ha ha ha!!

My mom tells Maren in the car that she's very "glassy-eyed". Maren asks, "What does that even mean?!" Mom tells her it's just because of the drugs and Maren starts to cry. "Did I smoke?! Did I drink beer?!" It's hysterical!!! And Jack has been reminding us of all the good parts all morning long. :)

You Need A Budget.....SERIOUSLY!!!! (aka YNAB)

I definitely need a budget. Why didn't I think I did before? I mean, I think I sort of knew that I should have one. But I never realized how much of a difference it could make. And it's made a HUGE difference already!

Remember this post? And the post I linked to in that post? So we started with NeoBudget. And we really loved it. But we weren't making the dent we wanted to be making in our debt. I recently discovered YNAB. YNAB and I got off to a rocky start. I loved NeoBudget. I was comfortable with NeoBudget. I understood it and knew where everything was and how it all worked.

YNAB was a little more complicated and I didn't want complicated. I wanted comfortable. But I kept hearing about all these things. So I gave in and signed up for the free trial. I took the live web classes. And then I was in love. As in smitten kitten.

See, with NeoBudget we were budgeting for our major bills and then the rest of our income would sit in our "Unallocated Envelope" and we would spend it on whatever we wanted. We were paying off some debt. We were saving some. But we were blowing a lot. And we were still living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm not even through our 34 day trial with YNAB yet. It's still the beginning-ish of February. And already, since January I have paid off $1,621.65 in debt. On top of that we have saved $2,445.58! That's right! In 41 DAYS!!!! And here's the kicker: We haven't even received our tax refund yet!!

And that's while paying ALL of our bills and still having fun! We've gone out to eat (much less than we used to, but still enjoyed eating out on occasion), rented movies, done things together as a family, and gone out for dates, etc. We're still living! We're just doing it on a smaller scale, while saving and paying down debt on a much, much LARGER scale!

I think my favorite thing about YNAB right now is their "Rule #4: Stop Living Paycheck to Paycheck". YNAB has 4 basic rules/principles for budgeting. #1, Give every dollar a job. #2, Save for a rainy day. #3, Roll with the punches. And #4, Stop living paycheck to paycheck. With the last rule, YNAB helps you to create a "buffer" in your budget so that you're living off of last month's income this month and this month's income will just be hanging out and ready to use next month.

We haven't quite reached that point yet. But we're working on it and will be there this month. Lucky timing has allowed us to use our tax refund to establish our buffer. That means no more seeing super tiny numbers in the checking account at the end of the month and hoping that I can make them stretch until the next paycheck comes. What a huge relief that will be?!

Anyway, I'm sold. Between YNAB and Dave Ramsey, we're really learning a lot about money. It has completely changed my attitude. I don't think about our accounts or finances and grimace anymore. I'm excited to check the bank balance and see what's cleared, and then check it all in my budget. I'm not anxiously waiting for payday so that I can go grocery shopping or pay bills; I'm waiting for payday so I can play with my budget and see how far I can stretch our dollars!

You can bet I'll be purchasing YNAB when my trial expires. Sure NeoBudget was good to us while it lasted. Like an old relationship, we learned a lot about ourselves from it. And it set us up for an even better relationship now. So we're grateful. But we're also super happy to have found YNAB!!

Sorry about my crazy cheesiness. I'm just that excited about this stuff. Also, no I haven't been compensated in any way by any of these companies. I'm just that excited about this stuff. Have to share! Although, saving that much and paying that much in debt is compensation enough for me!!