I don't know what to title this post. I don't really even know what to write. I'm sure words will just flow, but they are not organized in my head like my posts sometimes are.

I don't know how to really express what I'm feeling and make anyone understand. And the truth is, even if I did, the only ones who would really get it are the ones who have been in my shoes.

I fear judgement. I don't know why. I usually don't care what others think of me. I just try to be me. But this part of me is the most vulnerable part of me that has ever existed. It is terrifying to put it out there for others to read and form opinions on.

I am pregnant. This is my third pregnancy in the last year. Less than a year, really. It wasn't exactly planned, but it wasn't really unplanned either. We thought we would wait a while still after our second loss in July. But things just didn't work out that way. I am now 6 1/2 weeks.

I have debated whether or not to share, who to share with, etc. We have never been secret keepers. But this news isn't the exciting kind like our first pregnancies were. We now know a new reality. Pregnancy does not equal baby. It should, but it doesn't always.

So it hasn't been easy to figure out how to tell someone. When they congratulate me and ask how I'm feeling I don't know quite what to say. I don't know how to express myself without sounding completely pessimistic. Because I'm not! I really, really am not! I just DON'T KNOW!! It's early. And I don't know if this will be like the last two or if third time's a charm. And no matter what anyone says, they don't know either.

So I've told a few close friends and family. People I know will understand me. And they really have. I've been able to talk openly about how I feel, positive or negative.

I had decided in my head that no matter what, I wasn't going to announce a pregnancy and a miscarriage on the same day again, like last time. That was horrible. And I don't want to do it. But I've wondered how and when I wanted the world to know.

I finally decided tonight. On Sunday I will be 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. July 25th of this year was also a Sunday. I was also 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. It's too familiar and there has been so much fear in my heart in that realization!

I need people to know. I need people to know that regardless of the outcome I love these babies. They are my babies! I am their mother. How could I not love them, even if only for a short time? I hope with everything I have that I will hold this one in my arms. But if I can't, I need the world to know that it hurts. I know I'll be okay, but it will be so, so hard! And facing that unknown is just so terrifying.

So far things are looking good. At least as far as we can tell. I knew immediately that I was pregnant. I was barely 3 weeks. Meaning that technically I'd only been pregnant for barely a week. I took a home test and it was surprisingly positive that early. I immediately called my doctor, as he'd advised me. They got me in a couple of hours later.

The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative. The lab tech apologized. I told her it was fine. I still knew I was pregnant. I have been through it five times. I know how it feels. So I asked her if we could do a blood test to confirm. She said they don't generally approve a blood test without a positive urine test. I asked her to check anyway. My doctor heard my name and immediately signed the referral.

Jason was confused by the results. He picked up a digital test (the first home test had been regular) and asked me to take one. It came back negative. I knew it would. It was early and I had been chugging water all day. We were testing water.

An hour later the blood test confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant. Betas were low. Only 14. Just proved that it was still early.

They ordered another draw a week later. That one came back 139. It was doubling every 1.2 days instead of every 48 hours, like it was supposed to. A good sign. But still too low for a sonogram to pick anything up. We needed to be at least at 1200.

So the doctor started me on hormone supplements and scheduled another draw a week later. This time we were hoping for at least 1200. We hit over 9,000. Someone said to me, "Either you're having triplets or that baby's on steroids!" I said I'd take what I could get but one steroid baby would be just fine.

My doctor won't be in the office much for the holidays so the sonogram isn't scheduled until the 10th. A week from Friday. I'm anxious, terrified, nervous, excited, fearful, hopeful, you name it I feel it. I just want to get there and to know. I want to see that heartbeat. I want confirmation.

But even then, I don't know if we will make it further. Anything can happen. And I suppose I'll feel that for quite a while, until we either lose the baby or I've gotten far enough along to ease some of my anxiety.

In the mean time please pray for us. Of course I'd love for you to pray for this sweet baby. Pray for it to grow and grow and grow!! But really, what I need is prayers for me. Prayers that I will be able to accept the Lord's will no matter what that is.