Saturday, May 14, 2011

30 Weeks

Today isn't an extraordinary day. In fact, it's a very, very ordinary Saturday. Jack had a fever yesterday, and although he seems to be doing much better today, Payson has caught whatever he had. So we're lying low. Jason is home. We have stocked up on treats for the day and a couple of movies too. We're just lounging around the house in our pajamas, enjoying each others' company. Most of the time, at least. :)

But as of today we are 30 weeks pregnant. Officially into that last quarter of pregnancy. It's so weird for me to think about. The first several months went so slow! I was so unattached. And at the same time I was constantly worried about every little thing.

Then I started to ease up a little and try to embrace and enjoy this pregnancy. And that's when Sammy died. And I was too busy and too overwhelmed with grief and sadness and aching for my friends and with missing little Sammy to worry about pregnancy. And now that it's been 2 months (and one day exactly, but who's keeping track?), and everyone's lives seem to be back to normal, I'm trying again to go back to normal too.

But "normal" just feels weird these days. I'm trying so hard to focus on this baby coming in just 9 weeks (I'm not due for 10 weeks, but if I haven't had the baby by then I'll most likely be induced). I'm trying to plan and prepare and get the shopping and storing and washing and cleaning and projects done so that everything is ready in two months.

But every baby thing I think of reminds me of Sammy. I think about shushing her when she was fussy and wanted to be held and no one else could calm her. The way I would hold her and swing her and sing to her and quiet her. And then she would just sleep in my arms while her mama cooked or ate or worked on a project and I would just watch that sweet, beautiful face sleeping peacefully. She would just nuzzle right in and completely relax. Oh how I miss holding her sweet little body against me and just snuggling! Sammy knew how to love! I just miss feeling that love from that sweet baby girl. I miss Laura needing me to come hold her. I miss bragging that Sammy liked me better, even though I was secretly jealous that I wasn't her mama.

And planning and preparing for my baby is such a strong reminder of the absence of Laura's. I struggle to attach and be as excited as I remember being for Payson and for Jack. There are just so many strange emotions surrounding all of it. I don't even know how to explain it all.

But I know that I have to try harder to embrace it. This baby deserves to be looked forward to and celebrated and anxiously awaited too. And I know that Sammy is up there prepping him or her. Probably warning this little one of all the crazy it's getting itself into down here. She may have only spent 8 weeks with us, but that 8 weeks was filled was some hilarious moments that I'm sure Sammy won't leave out. :)

And so today while we watch movies and snack on treats and relax I'm working on some online baby shopping and art projects for baby's room. I'm going through the motions in hopes that eventually it will feel more exciting.

However, I have to add that one thing with this pregnancy is just the same as all the others. I have PLENTY to complain about!! :) I am miserable already with 2 months to go. And I know it will only get worse. The back pain and braxton hicks and feet in the ribs and constant bathroom breaks and lack of sleep are not my favorite.

Although even as I type I stop to watch Cletus (we affectionately call him/her "Cletus the Fetus" rather than "It") roll around under my belly. Seeing the movement rather than just feeling flutters or kicks makes it seem so much more real. So there are things to enjoy too.

Anyway, I am trying to prepare in these last quick weeks. Mentally and emotionally and physically and every way I can. Because 9 weeks will FLY! With school finishing up and a dance recital and my sisters coming to stay and doctor's appointments and a family reunion and Jason's work. Life is going to go too quickly, I'm sure. And sooner than I can imagine this baby is coming! Ready or not!!


vaneblu said...

I've missed you here, it will go by fast and I cant hardly wait to meet "Cletus"!

Jill said...

I have missed you too!

Please promise you won't name this baby 'Cletus' or even 'Cletessa' or 'Cletina' or anything like that! He/She deserves a good name. :) Maybe I can talk you into using Olivia for a girl...maybe Oliver for a boy? :)