Tuesday, March 13, 2012

My Couch

One year ago today, Sammy died. Life changed dramatically in a matter of a moment. Somehow we all managed to breathe through the crushing grief for an entire year. A year. It's been a year?

It's been a strange day. I've been through the motions of a seemingly "normal" day. Got kids ready and off to school. Had a dentist appointment. Laundry. Dinner. Baths. Family scriptures. Nothing unusual.

On the inside, though, I've been thinking back to one year ago all day. The moment I heard Laura's voice. The moment I saw Kasey over his daughter. Praying with Sammy's sisters. The police officer's face when he told me. The feeling of Laura and Kasey in my arms as they wept. So many images.

But one thing has stood out to me in a strange way over the last year that I haven't ever acknowledged out loud. My couch.

I had wanted it for so long. I hate my couch. It was a light, micro fiber sofa. It was filthy. It absorbed every bit of dirt it could. My kids had drawn on the cushions. There were stains on every side of every cushion. I hated that couch and I'd given up trying to keep it clean at all. It was so ugly and embarrassing. It wasn't even very comfortable.

So we bought a perfect leather sectional with our tax return last year. I was so happy to throw out the old couch! I couldn't even bring myself to sell the sickening thing. We just left it outside for whoever wanted it.

I was so proud of my new couch! (Still am.) It was pretty and clean and bigger and more comfortable! And it was leather. That meant low maintenance cleaning! :)

It's been over a year since we got that couch. And now, it is so much more than just a couch to me. That couch is a sacred place.

This couch is a sacred place for my family. It is where we play together. It is where we lounge together. It is where we celebrate together. It is where we hold Family Home Evening and family scriptures and prayer. It is where we (sometimes) sleep or eat together. We do so many things together on this sacred couch.

One year ago today, this couch became a hallowed place for me. It is where I knelt and prayed for my friends. It is where I watched them tell their daughters, with grief and faith, that they're sister was with their Father in Heaven. It is where we grieved, day after day. It is where hands were placed upon heads, and sacred priesthood blessings were pronounced. One year ago today, this couch welcomed and invited. It offered a place for friends and family to mourn and grieve and cry and love together.

I see it every time I look at my couch. I don't love this couch because it's pretty or comfortable. (Although it is.) I love my couch because of what it means in my life. Because it is a sacred, hallowed place. Because every time I sit there I think of Sammy, so small, being nursed by her mommy. I think of the example she set and the lessons she and her family have taught me over the last year. I think of the services that have been given to me because of her. I think of the way she changed me as a mother.

My couch is a sacred, sacred place.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill (Payson) rolled down the hill
to have some fun outside.

Jack fell down and bonked his crown
and cut it open wide.

Jason and the kids were outside taking advantage of the unseasonably warm weather. Lucas was sleeping so I was getting some much needed quiet time. Next thing I know, I hear crying coming up the stairs and Jason walks in carrying Jack with both of them covered in blood.

Apparently the kids were rolling down the hill and Jack somehow managed to smack his head pretty good on the cement/metal drainage grate at the bottom. I hate how much head injuries bleed. It always seems worse than it is at first.

I had planned on giving Jack and Jason haircuts tonight, especially Jack since he was getting pretty shaggy. So we did it early to get a better look at the cut. After the haircut, I gave him a shower and cleaned up the cut as best I could first aide style.

I can see it much better now, but I'm not sure what to do with it. It's still oozy and bleeding, but not dripping like before. It's not a horrible cut, although there's a huge goose egg on it. (I already gave him some children's Tylenol as a preemptive strike against the massive headache I'm guessing he will have.) I just can't decide if I should take him in for stitches or not yet. It would probably only end up being one or two little stitches. But I hate going in for nothing. I guess we'll just watch it for another hour or so in hopes that the bleeding stops.

Funny how when it's your baby that's injured you react differently. I've never been one to panic over blood. It just doesn't really bother me. On the outside I calmed my boy and got him all cleaned up. On the inside, I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. I hate seeing my babies hurt. I always feel a sick rush of adrenaline that takes too long to dissipate. I don't like it. I'd rather get adrenaline from jumping out of a plane.

Edited to Add:

I ended up taking Jack to the InstaCare. It just wouldn't stop bleeding. They stapled it. It was traumatizing. For Jack. And for me. Do you know they don't numb kids up for staples? Nope. They just pop those suckers in their poor little heads. It's horrible. I hope I never have to do that again.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I missed date night.

Tonight, for the first time in MONTHS (like 7 or 8 or more months), I went on a date with my husband. Just the two of us.

We've been on several dates in the last several months, but we always ended up toting the baby along. It was still nice to get away and go out, but there was always a third wheel, so it wasn't quite the same.

For Christmas Jason gave me tickets to a play. No babies allowed at the play. So we were forced to leave him with a sitter and the older two for the first time. I was pretty worried. Would he decide to be hungry? Would he be fussy for the sitter? Would he be scared or miss me? All the silly mom worries.

Turns out he was fine. :) And it was sooooooo nice to be away with just my boyfriend! (He's the husband most of the time, but on date night he's just my boyfriend again.) :) I've had a really rough few weeks, so I was really, really needing the escape, even if it was only for 3 hours.

We've already started planning next weekend's 100% child free date night.