I don't know what to call this post because I have so many things I want to write about. But this is one of those pour-your-heart-out, bare-your-soul kind of posts. Some of my most personal and deepest thoughts. So be gentle with me if you read this.
The last several months I have been depressed. Severely depressed. And simultaneously perfectly happy which made things very confusing. Happy marriage, great kids, amazing family, financial stuff in order, etc, etc. All this good stuff that I was so happy about. And at the same time completely depressed.
I recently figured it out. There is just too much going on. There were a few basic things in my life that were completely skewed that made everything else fall apart. I couldn't be happy with the good stuff because those few things were just throwing everything off. So I made a decision to fix them.
I have been trying to figure out for so long how to be super woman. And I figured it out. The answer? I can't. And I'm done trying. I am going to focus on the few things in my life that really, really matter to me. I will be super woman with those things. And the rest will just have to fall away.
So I'm refocused. I'm finding balance in those things. I'm simplifying. And maybe as those things become more steady in my life, I'll be able to add in some more. But until then, everything else gets cut.
First off, I'm refocusing myself spiritually. Too many times my prayers have been repetitive. Too many times, I told myself I'd just pick up my scriptures tomorrow. Too many times Family Home Evening was just skipped. Too many times I told myself that other things were more important. Oh, I was so wrong! As I have starting studying my scriptures consistently again and praying more sincerely I have renewed my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. And "magically" (although I know it is not magic at all) it has trickled into everything else.
Next, I have not made me a priority. I am tired of being the fat frumpy mom. I am tired. Everything is exhausting. My body needs some attention so that I have the energy for everything else. My body needs good fuel. My body needs rest. My family needs it too! They need good fuel and rest just as much as I do! And because I have been choosing not to care, they have been suffering consequences right alongside me. So we are refocusing on making healthy choices. We are make a conscious effort to be more physically active. This has been a struggle for me for soooo long. But today I made the choice all over again. I am determined.
My family is my priority. Spending quality time with my children. Reading together. Being active together. Going on dates with Jason so that our marriage is strong, for us and for them. Everyone else plays second fiddle to this little family unit we have created. We are turning off the screens and playing games together, taking walks together, and enjoying each other more. We are strengthening our family bonds.
My home is another priority (although it definitely comes after the other three). I am struggling to keep it clean and organized and still do everything else. So again, everything else gets cut. Play dates, lunches, extra outings. Sure, those are good things. But so is old fashioned WORK. I can spend quality time with my family WORKING together and killing two birds with one stone.
That's four things. Everything else is gone. But those four things are taking up all of my time and energy right now. By the time I've cooked healthy meals, done some cleaning or laundry, gotten kids ready for the day, fit in some physical activity, made sure Lucas is getting healthy naps, fed the baby, planned a family home evening lesson, read my scriptures, showered, taken care of bills and other responsibilities, fit in visiting teaching or a temple session, and still gotten everyone to bed on time so that we can get the rest needed to do it all again the next day, there just isn't anything left for anyone else. So it's all getting cut!
Television? I'll see you every now and then, but for now I'm unplugging the cable. Pinterest? I love to pin every wonderful idea I see, but I'm finding we spend too much time together. Lunch/play dates? If you fall on a less busy day and I can fit you in, great. But if you are taking away from any of those four more important things? Sorry. Texting and phone calls? If I don't answer you right away it's because I have so many other things going on that I have to give my time and energy to first. I care about you. I really do. But these things have to come first.
Because I'm tired of trying to do what I think everyone else is doing or thinks I should be doing. I'm tired of feeling like I'm failing at the important stuff. So I'm stepping back from everything else and focusing on the few things that matter most. Maybe I'll find time for the other things in another season of life, but not this season. This season is for my family, for my body and my spirit, and for work.