Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tomorrow won't be so hard.

I've been thinking about trials tonight. A close friend called me today to tell me that her sister in law's cancer is back. The doctors are saying "it's aggressive". When we talked, she wasn't sure what that meant. Needs aggressive treatment? It's terminal? I guess time will tell.

So my hard days and weeks don't seem like much in comparison. I could weigh the invisible trials in my hands. Rough day? Or possibly terminal cancer accompanied by financial burdens and all of the stress, heartache, etc that tag along? Hmmm...which would be harder?

It's nearly eleven and I've finally stopped comparing. The cancer wins. Hands down. They are dealing with something much worse. I'm grateful we're not trading places.

However, I've also come to the conclusion that this doesn't mean that what I'm going through isn't hard. I may not be fighting a terminal illness or dealing with losing a child or loved one or any of the other things that are completely worse. But that doesn't mean that today was easy.

I hope this doesn't sound like a pity party. It's not meant to be. This really is just me working things out in my head and throwing them out there. Maybe I'm symbolically releasing the negative from my brain or something crazy like that. I don't know.

What's so rough about my life anyway?

*Yes, my husband is gone. Has been for a long time. Will be for a long time still. So? At least he's alive and healthy and I will see him again soon.

*Some days, my kids are really hard. Lately, Jack clings to me a lot. He tends to do that when he misses his dad. I spend most of the day doing things one handed. (I know this is true for most moms, it's just multiplied for me on days like this). And he yells. And yes, Payson hasn't been as obedient lately as I'd like. I'm sick of counting to three and giving time outs and taking away privileges. At least my children are happy and healthy and here and as well behaved as they are.

*I don't have a home. Most of my things are in storage. I share a room with my children. I even share a bed with one of them. The closet is crammed with clothes for three. There's no space for anything. I feel guilty when my children play with toys because it's a mess in someone else's house. I feel guilty getting in the shower because the kids may get into something they shouldn't or pester someone they shouldn't and I'm not there to stop it. I feel guilty when I have to put the kids in the bath and to bed after dinner, because that means someone else may clean up after us. If I were in my own place, I would just clean up when I was done. Instead, someone else may clean up after me and may then be frustrated that I didn't clean up after myself and my children. When the kids are loud, they aren't just bugging me. They are driving people crazy in a house where it would otherwise be calm and quiet. The three of us can be a very big nuisance. I have a laundry day. There are too many people in this house who use the machine. Get your laundry done in the allotted amount of time or wait until your day rolls around again next week. In my own home I wash laundry on a specific day. I do laundry on my scheduled day and then as needed during the week to keep things from piling up too much. One day is not enough. Here, I don't have more than a day. But at least I have my family. At least they are willing to share their home with me. I have a room and a bed and food and family. I am SO grateful, as I should be, that I am surrounded by loved ones instead of alone in this situation.

You'd think living with family would ease the physical burden. I guess it can in some situations. I just don't choose that. My family does not watch my children. My husband works full time. My full time job is them. That is my choice. I am burdening the family enough being here. I don't need to make them raise my children too. I bathe them, I feed them, I dress them, I change diapers, wipe bums and noses, etc. If I need a sitter, I pay my sister or call someone in the young women's, just as I would if I lived in my own space. I want my family to enjoy my children, not view them as something they have to put up with while I'm here. I am happy to do it. It would simply be added guilt to ask someone else to do it for me.

These are simple trials. Basic. And temporary. I know they will all disappear soon. Hopefully replaced by easier trials. :) (A joke! I just emoticon smiled!! Working things out this way MUST be helping!!) In the mean time, I'm trying my best to endure. And with a good attitude. In August, when someone asked how I was, I could answer cheerfully, "Good!!" Even on a hard day, I was still handling things well. In the last few weeks my answer has been with a smile, "I'm getting through it" or, "It's almost over!" It was hard, but I could do it. This is the final stretch.

Today, I have broken down. I don't share this so that you'll feel sorry for me. Like I said before, I'm working out my thoughts here. It's helpful for me. Also, I don't want everyone to have pictures of me in their head of someone who is strong all the time. I think I'm generally a pretty strong person. But I'm definitely not always that person.

Today I'm definitely not that person.

Today my depression and anxiety (yes, I suffer from severe anxiety, which causes depression. I'm very open about it. If you ever want to ask me about it, feel free. Talking about it makes it easier for me.) have turned the hard things into really, really hard things. They feel like too much. Every tiny thing feels magnified. I'm tired. My eyes are tired. My feet are tired. My arms are tired. My back is tired.

My soul is tired.

I'm ready for this to be over. I'm ready to refresh and reboot and start something new. I don't want to face this same challenge any more.

I know, I know. Endure to the end. I keep reminding myself. I have not endured well today. I was not patient enough with Payson when she didn't want to put her dolls away. She just wanted to play. And I wasn't understanding when Jack wanted to be held. He just misses his daddy. And I took a lot of my frustration out on an underserving Jason. I'm sure he wishes he hadn't called to see how things were going.

I cried. Like a little baby. For a long time. I didn't know how else to make it all stop. I guess I didn't get all of the tears out. They're still coming. I'm just so tired. And there's still a ways yet until moving day.

I'll go to sleep. I'll wake up and get Payson off to school. I'll get things done for work. I'll finish folding my laundry. I'll enjoy the ward Halloween party. I'll try to be better with the kids. I'll read a little more in my scriptures and stay on my knees a little longer. I'll try not to think about how hard today was. I'll try to handle things better. I'll remember the sweet comments of friends letting me know I'm not alone and that I can do this. I'll remember the delicious rocky road ice cream that was brought by tonight, along with a much, MUCH needed hug from a true friend. (I love you, Erin. I really do). And I'll just keep going until I feel better. I hope that's soon.

I'll remember that I do not have it that bad. I'll remember to pray for those who are dealing with so much more. But I'll also recognize that it's okay to feel like life is hard. Even if it's nothing big. It's okay to have hard days.

I'll be okay. I'll be more than okay. I really will. Tomorrow won't be so hard. And really, a month from now, I'll probably laugh at myself for thinking that today was such a hard day. I'm really looking forward to that day.

Just need to throw it into cyber space...

This has probably been one of the hardest, crappiest days and past couple of weeks, of my life. My problems don't measure up at all to those of some, but right now they are weighing on me like two million ton of bricks and I feel like I'm about to collapse at any second. Ever had days that desperate feeling?

Friday, October 24, 2008


I've been crazy busy lately (which I'm actually loving) and haven't had time to finish the AWESOME post I'm working on. Hopefully Sunday. So stay tuned.

Anyway, I need you help! Every now I see someone post about blog stats and how they know a certain number of people are checking them out from certain areas and such. I'd really love to be able to do that! All I know are the little blog counters, but those also count every time I log on to my own bog to check or post or whatever and for some reason that bugged me enough to get rid of the counter.

Sooooo..............calling all blog nerds!! If you know how to get into the whole stats thing, share the love!! I wanna learn!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

I heart free stuff.

So lately, I'm really getting cheap. Or maybe just GREEDY. I don't know. But it's bad. It's becoming an obsession.

First, I decided to become an official coupon clipper!! I found a bunch of websites and blogs about it, bought my own organizing stuff (yes, I spent money to save money), and now I'm officially clipping!! Although I have yet to use my coupons. I'm living with the parents right now who have forbid me to buy groceries. Aren't they just mean? ;) Needless to say, I'm VERY excited about my first grocery trip in Wyoming!!

Second, I entered the www.handbagplanet.com giveaway. I entered myself on way too many e-mail addresses and really wanted a free bag. Oh well. Someone else got it. Congratulations, 24 random strangers.

Third, I entered a giveaway contest on my cousin's wife's friend's photography blog. (Complicated, I know). Anyway, Kristin the Awesome (as I have just now decided to name her) of Paisley Photo Art had a giveaway on her blog a couple of days ago. Write in your hilarious reason to get a free photo shoot. Five winners chosen. I WON!! YAY ME!! Seriously, couldn't be more excited about it. Free photo shoot for my DARLING kiddos. :) What was my hilarious reason, you ask? I told her to pity me. I have to move to Rock, Springs, Wyoming. (Note the diarrhea colored font I have used for Rock Springs. This depicts my feelings well). (In the e-mail I went into more detail. But that's the general idea. If you really want more, I'll forward you the e-mail).

Next, I jumped into this biz op. I seriously think you all need to hear about it. Maybe I'll blog the details later since no one seems interested in my TOTALLY AWESOME brunch. I'm telling you, you'd be crazy not to take advantage. Anyway, I've been working hard the last couple of days on this. Well, working hard for a stay-at-home mom, that is. I still have my children and other responsibilities to attend to, but in all of my spare time I'm on conference calls and such. I had forgotten how much I love being a part of a business, something bigger than me. I really enjoy it. And to make money for doing something I enjoy, well, how could I not?!

This brings me to my latest freebie obsession!! THIS QUILT!!

It's absolutely beautiful!! Go check out the giveaway at Pigtails and Snails although, don't try to hard to win, because that will just make it harder for me!! And I can just picture this quilt perfectly on Payson's new bed with the fun new dressers (you know the one's from my first garage sale purchase?) that I'm refinishing!!

Maybe it's the economy that has me on this cheap/free fix. But you know, if if the economy was doing great, why wouldn't I want to save up some extra dough? That could add up to a vacation with the hubby, or for the family, a new car, college/mission/wedding funds...the list goes on!! The point is,

I heart free stuff!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

This had better be the last time!!

(I know this is a HIDEOUS picture, but it's all I could find of the two of us that I haven't already posted. Apparently we don't take many pictures together).

So Jason had an entire week off of work!! Seven whole days!! We spent the first two in Wyoming with him, looking for a place to live. Then he spent the rest of the week here with us!!

(Jason helping Payson make a little beaded bracelet at the Cox Family Reunion this past summer).

I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to have him here with us!! We didn't do much of anything. We played and did normal things, like take Payson to and from school and ran errands.

(Jas with the kids at the Museum of Natural History in Washington D.C.).

On Sunday, we got to go to church with our Daddy! That was SO NICE!! He asked to take Jack to priesthood, so I actually got to listen in Relief Society! That was wonderful! And then I had an extra set of arms in sacrament meeting. We didn't have to take anyone out in the halls! NOT EVEN ONCE!!

(Jack and Daddy swimming in Grandma and Grandpa L's backyard. Those are two HANDSOME boys!!)

And then tonight, Jason had to leave again. :( Back to Wyoming for the last time. I should be overjoyed that after this last stint, we're all moving, so I'll see my husband every night! And I am! But this last time is for over a month. He won't be off work until the week of Thanksgiving. So this is going to be HARD.

I spent this afternoon on my bed in tears in his arms. And then I cried most of the lonely drive home, after dropping him off with his carpool. And I'm crying again now thinking about going to bed in a bit alone. I hate that.

But women have gone through much worse and as stated in conference, I can do hard things! So there will be MUCH to be thankful for come Thanksgiving!! Aside from the gospel, my family, our health, etc. I will merely be glad that I get to fall asleep next to the best man in the world every night for the foreseeable future!! :)

P.S. Jason took me to see GhostTown with Ricky Gervais while he was here and I spent most of the movie in tears, laughing hysterically!! SO FUNNY!! Go see it NOW!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Do as I'm doing! Follow, follow me!!

Okay, so that song has nothing to do with this. But I'm pathetic and it makes me feel better about myself when I see that someone has clicked "Follow This Blog" (to the left). Comments and followers boost my self esteem. :) So go ahead!! Click it!! What harm is it going to do?
P.S. What the *#$^@*&$^(@!! I can't figure out why there's a big gap between my image and script!! Arg. Dumb computer.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Playing Catch Up

And now the moment you've all been waiting for!!!

Really, the truth is, this is probably going to be a lame post. It's taken me forever and thus built up undue anticipation. But oh well!! I didn't promise anything special. Just a post!!

So first, we'll start with our excursion to the zoo!! A couple of weeks ago, my cousin, (actually, my cousin's wife, but family is family, in law or not!) Erin, and I decided that since we were both temporary single mothers we needed to get out of the house. So we took the kids up to the Hogle Zoo!! We planned to leave early (ish) in the afternoon but ended up leaving around four. Such is the life of mothers with young children. :)

Morgan, Noah, and Jack
three monkeys watching the monkeys =)
p.s. Jack's shirt is light maroon, but for some reason it looks pink in this picture

The kids had a lot of fun. I think Erin and I couldn't have cared less. Anything that got us out of the house for some adult conversation would have been accepted JOYFULLY!! We hadn't hung out for a long, long time so it was really fun to reconnect. We've been each others' replacement spouse the last few weeks. (Erin's hubby, Isaac, does summer sales and extended, but she and the kids had to get back for Morgan to start school).

beautiful Morgan Mae

Of course, I had to take the traditional picture of Payson comparing her arm span to that of a gorilla...

And then, to show you how freakishly tall Erin is compared to me, check out her arm span!! SIX FOOT ONE!! Actually, almost the same as the gorilla!! =D

Check out this picture of Noah! I know it's a little blurry, but look how similar he and Jack look!! At first I actually thought this was my son!!

He's just too cute! Look at those pouty lips!! I wanna bite 'em off!!

Anyway, so then the next week, Jason had Monday through Wednesday off of work!! AND he got off early on Sunday! So we had him home Sunday evening, Monday, Tuesday, and half of the day Wednesday before he had to head back.

I can't even tell you how much fun it was to have him home!! And for three days instead of two!! I bawled like a baby again when he had to leave. I hate that part. But we had a blast while he was here. Monday we took Payson to school. She was so excited to show her Daddy her classroom and teacher. It was really fun.

Then we spent the rest of the day Monday and Tuesday shopping!! I was still wearing nursing bras and garments!! YIKES!! So I got what I would call an AMAZING boob job from Mervyn's!! a.k.a. new bras. Seriously, if I don't catch you checking out my rack the next time I see you, I might be a little offended.

Okay, so maybe I've gone too far. Back to our time with Jas! So then Tuesday night my little sister (thanks Madie!!) watched the kids so that Jason and I could go on a d-a-t-e!!! We hadn't been out together in MONTHS! It was so perfect!

We went to my favorite little Japanese place for dinner. Osaka in Provo!! It's SO delicious! I got loads of sushi (and yes, I even eat the raw stuff) and Jason got the same things he gets every time: Teriyaki chicken and steak.

making our best fishy faces in front of the fish tank

Just for me, Jason ACTUALLY tried some of the RAW stuff!! I had to catch it on film...

AND HE LIKED IT!! Who can resist a good spicy tuna roll?

After dinner, we headed over to tRaFaLgA to steal a date night idea from Jayni!! Apparently Trafalga has a $20 date night package that includes

* go cart races
*50 pitches each at the batting cages
*18 holes of mini golf
*some tokens for the arcades
*2 large dip n dots at the end of the night!!

What a steal, right?!

We made a bet before we raced about who would win. Here I am taunting the future loser.
When the light turned green and we started, I pressed my foot down to the floor on the gas and my car didn't go!! WHAT?!?! So Jason got a HUGE head start! Not fair! Although, he turned to look behind himself at me and while he was distracted I zipped right passed him and then stayed on the inside of the track so that he had no chance! :) I totally won!! (By the way, babe, you still owe me that massage!!)

Batter up!!

Look at that BUTT!! So HOT!!

We had so much fun! I didn't think I would like the batting cages as much as I did. And I was surprisingly good!! Or maybe lucky. I'm not sure which.

Jason kicked my tail at the miniature golf. I had several holes where it took me 7-10 strokes to reach the stupid hole. I'm a little impatient and golf is not my thing. By the time we got around to the golfing it was too dark outside for any decent pictures. Oh well.

We bought some extra tokens inside and wasted them on ski ball and some shooting and racing games. I felt like I was twelve!! We had such a blast!! Then we found this arcade game version of Deal or No Deal!! SO FUN!! Instead of money amounts it gives ticket amounts and is played just like that game show, but with a few less cases. It goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 15, 20, 30, 40, 70, 100...or something like that. Anyway, we ended up winning 70 tickets!! The second highest amount!! Imagine if it had been the real game show!! HALF A MILLION DOLLARS!! :) Well, I can dream, can't I?

We got our dip n dots and used our tokens to get some cheap prizes for the kids and headed home. We had so much fun and didn't want to be done with the night, so we grabbed a movie on the way home. And then realized that we're old and went to bed before we were half way through it. :)

Anyway, having Jason home was amazing as ever! This time apart is such a reminder to me not to take advantage of having him around. I can handle the house and kids and laundry and such on my own just fine. But having my best friend around makes it a million times more worth it!!

That next weekend was the General Relief Society Broadcast, which I L.O.V.E.D.! President Uchtdorf is so wonderful and I loved each of the talks. They were so perfect. It got me so excited for General Conference this weekend!! I must be a real grown up. As I teenager I always dreaded (even though I did end up enjoying it most of the time) knowing that I was going to be spending eight hours in front of the tv trying to stay awake. Now I can't wait for conference to roll around! I love taking notes and then rereading the talks in the Ensign later in the year.

Oh!! A couple of funny stories about my silly girl!! So the last week with Payson has been terribly entertaining!! First, the other day I was doing laundry and could hear Payson in the family room. Rachel Ray was on in the background. All of the sudden Payson cracked up as loud as I've ever heard her! She starts yelling, "Mama! Mama! Guess what that lady said!" So I came out and asked what. She says to me, "She said 'chicken bra'!!" And she starts guffawing again. I couldn't help but laugh!! Apparently Rachel Ray was cooking with chicken broth and Payson had misheard. :)

Then one morning this week she had put a Barney dvd into the portable dvd player and turned it on in the bedroom before school. There's this song that goes, "No matter how you choose to move, exercise is good for you!" So I'm listening to Payson sing along and all of the sudden she belts out at the top of her lungs, "No matter how you shake your boobs, exercise is good for you!!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! I almost peed myself! That one caught me so off guard. She looked at me so innocently! She thought those were the ACTUAL words!

And last, to top it all off, she came to me the other day with her teeth super glued together. That's right, folks! Her TEETH were SUPER GLUED together. Apparently she had found my secret stash of superglue in the back of a drawer and chewed on the tube. Her tiny teeth punctured little holes in it and the glue was all over in her mouth. SOMEHOW she managed to keep it off her skin, thank the high heavens! But I spent some time after that reading the warning labels to make sure we didn't need to call poison control or the doctor's office and then sat picking at the dried glue until we had most of it off. Good grief, child!! I swear. Fortunately, the saliva in her mouth kept the glue from sticking to her cheeks and gums and also made it a little easier to pick off of her teeth. But it was still time consuming and completely obnoxious!! So next time your kid eats glue, just be glad it's not Superglue!!

I still have a couple of tags to post and another post in my head about honesty that I will be needing some input on!! So stay tuned! But that's all for now!! Happy Conference Weekend!!