Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Posts Coming.

First I didn't have the photos. They were on my mom's computer. Then I just didn't feel up to posting (see last post). Then it was Christmas. Then my computer got an awesome virus spewing porn sites all over the screen on Christmas Day. That was fun. (I HATE PORN). So now that everything seems to have calmed down, I need to catch up. And I will. Sometime. Maybe it will be my New Year's resolution.

In the mean time, thank you for your love and support and especially your prayers. They have been so very needed and so appreciated. I am doing okay. I won't lie and tell you I'm good. But I know I'll be okay, eventually. I am growing close to my Heavenly Father and Savior through this trial. I am learning and understanding so much more. My testimony is ever increasing.

I am still sad. And confused. And emotional. This loss has been so much more painful than I could have ever expected. I don't understand how women go through it privately, without love, support, and prayers from neighbors, family and friends. I don't understand why this isn't a topic more widely discussed. Especially when it so common and when talking is so healing.

My faith is comforting and I know it will be what ultimately heals my heart. It brings me peace in my darkest moments. I am still allowed to hurt and grieve.

If I haven't commented on your post, answered your email, or returned your phone call, I'm so sorry. I know it's selfish of me. I'm trying to put the pieces of me back together. And in the mean time others are being neglected. All I can say is I'm sorry. I am hoping that I will feel normal again soon and will be happily commenting, replying, and calling.

Until then, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas! And here's to an incredible New Year! I love you all!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Being Sad

I don't really know what I want to write right now. I feel like anything I right will be sad. Actually! That's what I want to write about. Being sad. Just typed it as the title of this post. Because this week, whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing this is the only word I can think of to really describe it. But then I always have to follow it up with, "But I'm okay", because I think that saying I'm sad gives people the wrong impression.

You see, I'm not depressed. Synonyms for sad are words such as depressed, discouraged, devastated. But I don't feel any of those things. I'm not depressed. In fact, I'm generally very happy. Even while I'm feeling sad, my heart simultaneously feels joy. Joy because of my family. Because of my husband. My children. My wonderful ward and neighbors and friends. And most of all because of my Savior.

But I am also sad. Sad for the loss of this baby. Sad for the future I was planning for that, for now, has changed.

Am I making sense? It seems strange that I can feel to completely conflicting emotions at the same time. And yet, even while I'm feeling both emotions, those around me only perceive the one or the other. I either am having a very okay moment and those around me think I must be doing so much better and that I'm moving on already. Or I look sad, or am in tears. Even though I really feel both most of the time.

Aside from feeling that joy and sadness ( really need to think of another word, because the word "sad" is starting to annoy me!) the only other thing I feel is a bit confused. And not as to why this happened or anything like that. I don't know why or what caused it and I don't really care. I trust that my Savior has worked those details out for me through His atonement. But confused at some of my emotions. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I'm here, stuck feeling sad and grieving this little life, while the rest of the world, including my own family, are for the most part moving on completely. Everyone else's lives seem to keep going just as before. The kids are caught up with the excitement of Christmas (thank heavens!). Jason is busy tending to them and their needs and my needs and everything else while I heal (although I'm sure he is grieving in his own way). And the rest of the world is finishing their Christmas shopping, planning their holidays, running errands, and thinking about what to make for dinner tonight. While I'm here thinking about this. It's all I can think about right now even when I have nothing really to think about it.

I wonder when I will feel normal again. When I will feel like this is distant. When it's something that I went through in the past that made me somehow stronger. I wonder when I won't think about it every minute or even every day. I wonder when my body will feel back to normal. Because my body is very confused right now. As of last night medication started to let my body know what had happened and that it was no longer pregnant. Physically, things have taken place and I know that my body is starting to catch up. But when will I feel normal again? When will I not find myself in tears at some point during the day? When will the healing and the hormones balance?

Added to sadness and joy and confusion is frustration. Frustration with some of the things people say. And then frustration with myself for being frustrated at those things. I know people are only trying to be sincere and helpful. As if their explanation will make me hurt less. Sometimes the things people come up with are beautiful and they lift my heart. Other times, as heartfelt as it may be, it hurts. Comments like, "Well, at least you were only 11 weeks along". As if it would have been less painful if I were only 6 weeks or more painful at 15. Would anyone ever say to someone who lost their 2 year old, "Well, at least she was only two. Thank heavens you didn't have her until she was 16!" And yes, I know that this miscarriage must be SO MUCH LESS painful than losing a child. I would never wish that on anyone! But comparing my pain to someone else's doesn't make it easier. Or comments like, "At least you have two children". Yes, I am so blessed with two beautiful, healthy, living children. They are such a light to me right now and I love them so much and am SO grateful for them! I see even more now how much of a blessing a healthy pregnancy is and what a miracle these two children are in my life. I honestly do. But that doesn't make me miss THIS baby any less. I know these people aren't trying to be mean. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway, to those of you who are close to me, physically or emotionally, please don't be afraid of me while I process through this! Please don't treat me like I'm broken or fragile. And don't pretend that nothing has happened. I don't mind talking about it, and I don't mind questions, even if it does make me cry. It probably makes you more uncomfortable than it does me. I've found it helpful so far to talk. And when I don't feel like talking I won't answer more phone or I'll say so. You know me. I'm honest and blunt. I'll let you know.

For those of you who are curious about what happened, here it is. I had my first appointment with my midwives on Wednesday. I was 11 weeks and 1 day. It started off as a normal appointment. Pee in a cup. Paperwork. Weight. Blood pressure. Questions about previous pregnancies. Family history. Talked with the midwife about questions or concerns we were having. Internal examine. Uterus measuring just right at 11 weeks. Then time to hear the heartbeat.

When I was pregnant with Jack they couldn't find it. Turned out I was a little earlier on than I'd thought. So they ended up doing an ultrasound and there he was, just pumping away. Beautiful little boy. So I wasn't worried. This had happened to me before. So the nurse pulled in her portable machine and tried to find the baby. It took a minute, but there it was. That beautiful little peanut shape. I thought that was a great sign. But the midwife said her little machine sometimes doesn't pick up everything so we went down to the big one with the ultrasound tech. After looking for a minute all she said was I'm sorry. I knew what that meant. The baby was only measuring 9 weeks. That's when it died and stopped growing.

Jason and the kids were there. Jason took the kids out to the playroom. I was devastated for them. Jack just kept asking, "Is it a bwudda or a sista?! I saw the wittle baby go bump!" My heart broke to think of disappointing him. Payson understood a little better. When we explained what had happened we tried to focus on the fact that we'd try again later. They'd get a new baby someday. They seemed more concerned about how mommy was than anything else. So I went home and let myself cry alone for a while.

Because the baby was still there my midwife gave me options. I chose to wait and let things happen naturally. And then I realized that it may happen while I was alone, when Jason was gone. How would I handle myself emotionally without him there? Or handle the kids? Or what if it happened on Christmas Day? That wasn't how I wanted to spend our holiday. So I called and had the midwives call in a prescription.

I took the misoprostol last night. It was painful. I didn't sleep much. But it started the process. Now I just let things continue and go back in a couple of weeks to make sure my body is clean and there is no risk of infection. I was really afraid of last night. But it wasn't as bad as I had expected. Still very hard. But I survived it.

And now I'm here rambling on to cyber space about it. When really I'm not feeling very well physically and I need to go lie down. So that's where I'll be. Thank you for your prayers and your love and support. You don't know how much you have lifted me up this week. I have very much needed you. Every one of you. Especially one of you (you know who you are). I love you all. Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Woke up super excited to see or hear our little one today. Found out the baby didn't make it. That's all I can really say about it right now. I'm going to go cry some more.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I'll give you 3 guesses...

I finally got the kids and myself in to the doc yesterday. We were there for 3 hours. It was super fun (note the sarcasm). By the time we were finished the kids had had enough and I was so exhausted that I gave up on keeping them out of trouble. Luckily, I have good kids and the most trouble they got into was taking 3 stickers instead of 1 when they were all done.

Anyway, my diagnosis? Severe sinus infection. It started spreading into my right ear a little, but not too bad yet. Just enough to cause a little pain and pressure, but not quite enough to really be called an ear infection. Because of the fetus (as I lovingly refer to baby #3) there isn't much I can take. So 2 giant 875mg amoxicillin pills a day it is! Wahoo. And that's on top of the nasty prenatals and my daily anxiety med. Did I mention I'm not a big pill swallowing fan? Oh well. Whatever. As long as I start feeling better ASAP!!

As for the kids, well. I'll give you 3 guesses!


Not that either.

And that one's not even close!

Are you ready for this? Because a blood test has confirmed that they have.......


Yeah. Mono. The kissing disease that you get when you're in junior high or high school or whatever that knocks you out for months. That mono.

Apparently it's been going around the community in young children. And you're contagious 3-7 days before symptoms even show up so it's not like you can really prevent the spread. Nice. I guess Jason and I are immune since most of us are exposed to mono at some point in our youth and don't even realize it. And in children this young they just have a few cold/flu-like symptoms, but for the most part they are acting completely normal. No meds needed. They are not contagious. And complications are highly unlikely. So we go back for a follow up in 2 weeks to make sure they are getting over it.

So weird. Not at all what I would have expected. But thank heavens it's something so strangely simple! Payson was thrilled when the doctor gave her the okay to go back to preschool. She's really been missing all of her friends and her teacher. And I think both kids are really missing a little more structure in their days. So as soon as I can get up some energy and start getting a little more sleep we'll get right back on track! Because I think we're really ready to start enjoying the holiday season the right way!!

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts. We really appreciate it. And thanks to friends and neighbors who have dropped by with meals or offers to pick up groceries, etc. We really have the best friends, neighbors, and family around!! Seriously. You should be jealous. :)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Personalized Video Message from Santa!!

Someone shared this site with me so I did it for the kids and they LOVED it!! It was fun to see their faces when Santa said their names and talked about them personally. So cute.

Here's Jack's.

And Payson's.

Make one for your kids! Or even your hubby or whoever!!
Go to this site to create your own!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Tired of being sick and sick of being tired.

This nasty bug that we've got is just not letting up. Jason is gone at work so I'm here alone with two sick little babies. And on top of that I'm sick too. None of us are sleeping. We are all congested and coughing our brains out. Each of us has had one day with body aches, chills, and fever. But after that one day it goes back to just being congestion and coughing and sore throat and headache. (Sore throat and headache are both because of all the coughing). Ugh.

I'm not a big medicine taker. Especially when I'm pregnant. But you can bet I called my doctor and found out what was safe to take. We've been downing what we can this week. I plan to call the doctor first thing tomorrow morning to get all three of us in. A week is way to long to be out of commission. I'm ready to be done. And I'm getting sick of my house. Which you can bet is a mess. I'm too tired to stop kids from destroying everything and none of us feels up to cleaning.

And of course Jason is gone, so that leaves no one to take care of us. :( No priesthood blessings, no one to make us meals, clean up after us, take our temperatures, pick up needed medicine and sick supplies (i.e., tissue, soup, Popsicles for our throats, etc.), and no one to hug us and make us feel better even when we're still feeling icky. I miss him. He's so good at that. I can feel the worst in the world, but having him here makes it okay.

Thanks heavens I'm not enduring morning sickness too! Can you imagine?! Ugh! I'd die! This is enough on it's own.

So we're eating gallons and gallons of canned soup and over-the-counter meds and watching Christmas movie after Christmas movie while we snuggle all three of our sick little (okay fine, mine's not quite so little) bodies together on the couch.

Anyway, could you include us in your prayers? We'd really like to get feeling better for the holidays. We had so many fun plans that we're missing out on. And I've got SO MUCH end of the year primary stuff that I'm dumping on my counselors. I feel AWFUL about it! And besides that, I'm just tired of feeling icky. I don't think I've been this sick in years! We'd really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Thanks everyone! We love you and hope you're in good health and enjoying this holiday season the right way for us!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


We got home from our trip Sunday night. So. Much. Fun. Until we left. That's when I got sick. I'm feeling MUCH better but still feel like crap. I'm constantly hacking up my lungs. It's painful and annoying and exhausting. And in the few moments that I have energy I'm trying to get caught up on laundry and get Christmas decorations up and get end of the year Primary stuff taken care of. Forget cleaning my house. Ugh. I'm seriously thisclose to hiring a maid service this week. Anyway, the trip was a blast! I really didn't want to come home. I could have stayed forever. Literally. I don't think I could ever get sick of it. It was perfect. I'll post pictures and details when I get pictures from my madre. Jason was in charge of packing the cameras. I made him a list. Somehow he forgot. So we have zero video of the trip and only photos from my mom's camera. Which is really nice and she took a ton, so it's not a huge deal. I just need to get down to her house and copy them. And in the mean time I'll have to post pictures of all my fun Christmas stuff. I love my Christmas stuff. I love buying and making new things. And I love how much the kids love it. I love the whole season! So hope your Thanksgiving was a fun as mine! And happy holidays!!