Saturday, December 19, 2009

Being Sad

I don't really know what I want to write right now. I feel like anything I right will be sad. Actually! That's what I want to write about. Being sad. Just typed it as the title of this post. Because this week, whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing this is the only word I can think of to really describe it. But then I always have to follow it up with, "But I'm okay", because I think that saying I'm sad gives people the wrong impression.

You see, I'm not depressed. Synonyms for sad are words such as depressed, discouraged, devastated. But I don't feel any of those things. I'm not depressed. In fact, I'm generally very happy. Even while I'm feeling sad, my heart simultaneously feels joy. Joy because of my family. Because of my husband. My children. My wonderful ward and neighbors and friends. And most of all because of my Savior.

But I am also sad. Sad for the loss of this baby. Sad for the future I was planning for that, for now, has changed.

Am I making sense? It seems strange that I can feel to completely conflicting emotions at the same time. And yet, even while I'm feeling both emotions, those around me only perceive the one or the other. I either am having a very okay moment and those around me think I must be doing so much better and that I'm moving on already. Or I look sad, or am in tears. Even though I really feel both most of the time.

Aside from feeling that joy and sadness ( really need to think of another word, because the word "sad" is starting to annoy me!) the only other thing I feel is a bit confused. And not as to why this happened or anything like that. I don't know why or what caused it and I don't really care. I trust that my Savior has worked those details out for me through His atonement. But confused at some of my emotions. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I'm here, stuck feeling sad and grieving this little life, while the rest of the world, including my own family, are for the most part moving on completely. Everyone else's lives seem to keep going just as before. The kids are caught up with the excitement of Christmas (thank heavens!). Jason is busy tending to them and their needs and my needs and everything else while I heal (although I'm sure he is grieving in his own way). And the rest of the world is finishing their Christmas shopping, planning their holidays, running errands, and thinking about what to make for dinner tonight. While I'm here thinking about this. It's all I can think about right now even when I have nothing really to think about it.

I wonder when I will feel normal again. When I will feel like this is distant. When it's something that I went through in the past that made me somehow stronger. I wonder when I won't think about it every minute or even every day. I wonder when my body will feel back to normal. Because my body is very confused right now. As of last night medication started to let my body know what had happened and that it was no longer pregnant. Physically, things have taken place and I know that my body is starting to catch up. But when will I feel normal again? When will I not find myself in tears at some point during the day? When will the healing and the hormones balance?

Added to sadness and joy and confusion is frustration. Frustration with some of the things people say. And then frustration with myself for being frustrated at those things. I know people are only trying to be sincere and helpful. As if their explanation will make me hurt less. Sometimes the things people come up with are beautiful and they lift my heart. Other times, as heartfelt as it may be, it hurts. Comments like, "Well, at least you were only 11 weeks along". As if it would have been less painful if I were only 6 weeks or more painful at 15. Would anyone ever say to someone who lost their 2 year old, "Well, at least she was only two. Thank heavens you didn't have her until she was 16!" And yes, I know that this miscarriage must be SO MUCH LESS painful than losing a child. I would never wish that on anyone! But comparing my pain to someone else's doesn't make it easier. Or comments like, "At least you have two children". Yes, I am so blessed with two beautiful, healthy, living children. They are such a light to me right now and I love them so much and am SO grateful for them! I see even more now how much of a blessing a healthy pregnancy is and what a miracle these two children are in my life. I honestly do. But that doesn't make me miss THIS baby any less. I know these people aren't trying to be mean. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway, to those of you who are close to me, physically or emotionally, please don't be afraid of me while I process through this! Please don't treat me like I'm broken or fragile. And don't pretend that nothing has happened. I don't mind talking about it, and I don't mind questions, even if it does make me cry. It probably makes you more uncomfortable than it does me. I've found it helpful so far to talk. And when I don't feel like talking I won't answer more phone or I'll say so. You know me. I'm honest and blunt. I'll let you know.

For those of you who are curious about what happened, here it is. I had my first appointment with my midwives on Wednesday. I was 11 weeks and 1 day. It started off as a normal appointment. Pee in a cup. Paperwork. Weight. Blood pressure. Questions about previous pregnancies. Family history. Talked with the midwife about questions or concerns we were having. Internal examine. Uterus measuring just right at 11 weeks. Then time to hear the heartbeat.

When I was pregnant with Jack they couldn't find it. Turned out I was a little earlier on than I'd thought. So they ended up doing an ultrasound and there he was, just pumping away. Beautiful little boy. So I wasn't worried. This had happened to me before. So the nurse pulled in her portable machine and tried to find the baby. It took a minute, but there it was. That beautiful little peanut shape. I thought that was a great sign. But the midwife said her little machine sometimes doesn't pick up everything so we went down to the big one with the ultrasound tech. After looking for a minute all she said was I'm sorry. I knew what that meant. The baby was only measuring 9 weeks. That's when it died and stopped growing.

Jason and the kids were there. Jason took the kids out to the playroom. I was devastated for them. Jack just kept asking, "Is it a bwudda or a sista?! I saw the wittle baby go bump!" My heart broke to think of disappointing him. Payson understood a little better. When we explained what had happened we tried to focus on the fact that we'd try again later. They'd get a new baby someday. They seemed more concerned about how mommy was than anything else. So I went home and let myself cry alone for a while.

Because the baby was still there my midwife gave me options. I chose to wait and let things happen naturally. And then I realized that it may happen while I was alone, when Jason was gone. How would I handle myself emotionally without him there? Or handle the kids? Or what if it happened on Christmas Day? That wasn't how I wanted to spend our holiday. So I called and had the midwives call in a prescription.

I took the misoprostol last night. It was painful. I didn't sleep much. But it started the process. Now I just let things continue and go back in a couple of weeks to make sure my body is clean and there is no risk of infection. I was really afraid of last night. But it wasn't as bad as I had expected. Still very hard. But I survived it.

And now I'm here rambling on to cyber space about it. When really I'm not feeling very well physically and I need to go lie down. So that's where I'll be. Thank you for your prayers and your love and support. You don't know how much you have lifted me up this week. I have very much needed you. Every one of you. Especially one of you (you know who you are). I love you all. Merry Christmas.

20 comments:

Kristin said...

Hello sweet heart :)

These are tough feelings, especially when they effect you so drastically and the rest of the world goes on living just normal.

i know you lose is different but also very similar, in my mind at least. You reminded me of when my friend died a few years ago and his sister wrote this poem about her feelings.

So these are her words not mine, but they are my feelings...

ok and not to be lame but now i decided to send it in an email :)

I love you!

And the entire world didn't keep going, many of us took note and stopped to mourn with you, keep going a day at a time sweat heart!

r said...

I hope your body heals quickly so that you can enjoy the holidays. You are such an amazing person, McKenna. I'm so glad I know you. Merry Christmas!

Kathlen said...

Oh McKenna, I don't know what to say, except that I love you!

Rachel Young said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Lots of hugs from me, McKenna.

Randi said...

I love you! I'm sorry you are hurting (in so many ways).

Jane said...

We love you McKenna!! You are such a strong woman (though you might not feel like it right now). You have been such a great friend to me and I can't express how much that has meant to you. I just hope that in a small way I can give back to you in your time of need. Please call me if you need anything at all.

Jason & Kelli West said...

McKenna, be sad. It's ok. you have to feel those feelings. I believe its healthy. You are an amazing person and such a strong woman. I have ALWAYS been so touched by your thoughts and words that you write down on your blog. Your insight is great, and you always express yourself so well. I wish I could put my feelings into words like you do. If we lived near each other I would be over helping you. I hope you recover quickly from this all. You are great. If you need to talk to someone call me...SERIOSLY!!!love you!!

The Bulloch Family said...

I am so sorry. That is something I would pray nobody would have to go through.But you are a strong person and will make it, but it will be a hard road, one day all of the sudden it will hit you like it just happened and you will start to cry all over again. But now that the Lord loves you and you can turn to him. Something I have heard that can help is buy a rose/flowering plant and nuture it. You now it's not a replacement, but it helps.

Dusti said...

Mckenna, I have one word for you: Brave. you are so brave to express your feelings at this time and because of your courage you have helped more people than you know. your testimony shines through everything you write about and thats the good stuff I and others can feel through your words. you are truly gifted, brave and one couragious woman. please let me know when you come down to visit i want to catch up with you over some good food!

Trish Griffee said...

Oh M! My heart is breaking for you. I have been through this 4 times and it doesn't get easier. I've even been through it after seeing a heart beat.

you and your husband are in my prayers. Don't let anyone minimize your feeling about your child...no one understands unless they've been there. Will you email me your address?

Lauren Ricci said...

I happened upon your blog from another friend after seeing your title "being sad" as this is how I feel today. My husband and I are desperately trying to have a baby and have been unable to conceive. Unfortunately no one understands and the words "it'll happen" and "stop streesing about it" are not helpful and I begin to get frustrated as well.

I am so beyond sorry for your loss and appreciate your courage to share your devasating news. A friend of mine just miscarried and I found an organization called Share that might be helpful. Here is their link. http://www.nationalshare.org/

Also, you may want to look into The Sharing Place, which might be good for your kids and you who are grieving the loss of their sibling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

Burgon Fam said...

I that is what I hated most about telling ertain people tht i had misscarried... especially sinc this was not a planned pregnancy....When we told my inlaws my mother in laws reaction was "but arent you releived?" as if because it wasnt planned that i didnt really care or or want the baby! and then later she made sure to let me know tht SHE was gald i wasnt pregnant again....I REALLY struggled with all the things she said to me for a while...but i finally decided that it wasnt healthy...i just had to look at it form the perspective that some people dont view a loss of an unborn as a great loss...I had only known i was pregnant for one day and i was only five weeks before i started bleeding....but in that one day that i became completely positve that i was in fact pregnant....I had many plans formed and a great love and exciteent for this baby in my life....it hurt to loose that so quickly amd it urt even wors when i got the responses i did. So i will tell you this....EVERYONE is different in this situation...though i think everyone should feel as i feel they dont and they never will... so you decide what you want to feel about this and dont let anyone persuade you to feel differently... if you are sad...well damn it you be sad for as long as you feel... and when your ready to move on you will know....im sorry i kinda went off...im just really soar about the insesitive things people think they have the right to say some times! I love you and i love reading about your life... your such a beautiful gal! please write me any time you want to rant about this or just be SAD!
love you!

Oh Babe COBABE said...

McKenna- I just wanted to say that I love you! You are such a dear friend and I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't pretend to understand, I won't even try. I am here if you want to talk, cry, vent or whatever you need!

Kassie

Jason and Bri said...

Hey miss, am so sorry, I could never imagine, I don't know what I would do if I went through what you went through.

Steffani Dastrup said...

I just read your post. McKenna, I'm so sorry! My sister had a miscarriage at the same time I was prego with Jax. It was one of the hardest times in both of our lives. I'm sending my prayers and love your way! I hope your heart can heal this Christmas!

Sara said...

Good for you for being honest with how you feel. My mom had three miscarriages that I remember very well - I remember her grief (and she already had SEVEN children). It's never "just a miscarriage." I am glad you have such a good support system, you'll get through this.

Andrew and Charonne- said...

im sorry mckenna........thats so hard............

Hilary, Ben, Ella & Ethan said...

I guess I should have read your blog before we chatted today. I hope I wasn't too inquisitive. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Please know that I am always available to talk, and as I said today, let me know if I can help with the kids at any time, even if you just want a few minutes alone to cry....

Addicted Fisherman, SlingShotGirl, and Ms. Drool-bug said...

Oh Mckenna! I am so sorry. I had no idea until I read your last post what you are going through. That is so hard.

I'm happy to hear that you are such an amazing person and are taking it well...I mean in the sense that your testimony is growing rather than fading. I'm going through something right now and while Jared's testimony seems to be growing, mine is very shaky right now. I have never felt more confused about our religion...and God. So, it's nice to hear about friends still keeping their faith.

Anyway, I am so sorry that you have to go through that. If you need someone (that's gone through something similar) to talk to about it, call me! Luv ya!

womanoforangerinds8 said...

Whoa. I'm glad you wrote out your thoughts and this post. I had no idea that this was how it worked or that you were going through this. I remember when I was (thought I was) pregnant and going through a miscarriage how sweet you were...answering all my questions and being so sympathetic. You helped me the most during that confusing time. Anyway, hormones suck! I'm proud of you, McKenna. Always have been. I can't wait to see you next week!