Monday, January 25, 2010

Waves

I thought I was doing great! Really. For the first month I really struggled. I had okay days and bad days. Even one or two good days in there. Then for the last two weeks I've been doing great! I was excited for friends and family who announced new pregnancies, had babies, or found out the gender of their expected arrivals. I knew I wanted a baby soon, but I was okay with letting it happen when it happens. I felt no anxiety or pressure. I wasn't stocking up on pregnancy tests and ovulation kits or any craziness like that. I was focusing on other goals and things and I was having lots of good days...in regards to the miscarriage at least. (There were a few days in there that I wanted to ring little necks, but those are fairly normal around here and just don't count.) :)

Anyway, like I said, I really was doing great. Two whole weeks of great. Six weeks out and I thought I was going to be just fine. I even went to a birthday party with 3 other families and these three women, friends of mine, all had babies under 3 months old. I was the only one without a newborn. But I was okay! I enjoyed cuddling theirs and thinking about how someday it will happen for us and that will be wonderful!

And then today happened. I read a blog. One more pregnancy announcement. And I burst into tears. WHY?!?! I am happy for her! I love seeing my friends little families grow! I love watching new babies come into this world! And I want to feel joy, ONLY joy for these women! Why, today, do I have to feel joy mixed with pain mixed with sadness mixed with jealousy mixed with guilt?! I HATE IT!

So I guess what "they" say is right. ("They" being other women who have experienced a loss.) It comes in stages. Waves. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Sometimes with a trigger. Sometimes for no reason.

Ugh. I don't like feeling this way. It doesn't feel like me. It doesn't feel right. And at the same time it does. Because I'm allowed to grieve. I did lose a baby. Some might think it was just a fetus. "Just" a miscarriage. But it was my baby. So I'm going to let myself be sad again today. I'm going to let myself cry. I'm going to wish I was still pregnant, 17 weeks tomorrow. I'm going to wish that 5 weeks ago hadn't happened.

But just for a little while. And then I'm going to make an effort to be happy. Because I don't like not being happy. And I don't want to hurt so much. And because I really AM happy for each of you out there who is expecting or just had a baby. I am thrilled for you! And I love to read your blog posts about the joy of being a new mom, whether for the first time or the tenth!

So leave me comments today. Tell me that it's okay for me to feel sad and all of these other emotions. That's what I need. And then tomorrow I'll be a little better.

18 comments:

Lindsay said...

It will be ok. I know the feeling that you can be so happy one moment and then your best friend announces that she is pregnant and you want to ring her neck. No matter how many years you have been friends. I have felt your same emotions, but in a different way. I have not had a miscarriage but i still feel the same loss every month that I do start my blasted period again. So yes it is just fine that you are haveing "waves" of emotion. I think that is how we cope and let out our frustrations in times of stress. I love you and am so greatful on how honest we can be on our blogs and know that we are not being judged for feeling a little nuts sometimes. Tomorrow will be better!

r said...

Of course it's ok for you to feel sad/jealous/etc. I've never gone through this so I don't have any words of wisdom other than hang in there and don't feel guilty. It's totally understandable. You're awesome!!

The Brandt Clan Fam! said...

It is absolutely perfect if you want to be sad...not just today, but tomorrow, and whenever the waves come. We are still praying for you. Loss of a baby is NOT an easy thing...and you are right...it is your baby. I love you!

L@Craftaholics Anonymous said...

Sounds you're doing SOSOSO much better than I would in the same situation! Give yourself some credit girl! It's tough, but you're doing a great job. I'm thinking about ya.
take care!
Linda

Jason & Kelli West said...

McKenna you are perfectly normal in how you feel. I have a friend that lost hers at 37 weeks. Here is her blog. I think it helps to read others who are in a similar situation. http://www.zacharyandamy.blogspot.com/
good news is that you have many friends who love you, and will still love you no matter how you feel towards them. love you girl. hang in there.

The Larson Family said...

It is totally okay to feel sad. I think it's great that you are so honest about your emotions too. You definitely need times to cry and mourn the loss of your baby. I'm glad to hear there are happy times mixed in there too. Don't feel guilty about those either. We all love you!

Sara said...

You are an inspiration, dear. So brave. So so brave.

Emily said...

so I don't know if this will help or hurt but ti was a big moment for me. While I was working at MTWHC a woman had a miscarriage in the office and the doctor put the litte body in a specimen cup an dI was able to see it. The baby was 9 weeks when it died and it was a fully formed BABY! There were arms, legs, spine, and sweet little eyes. It forever changed how I looked at and felt about people who lost babies that way. They did lose a little spirit. So I think you have every justification to miss and love that baby.
sorry if that's too much but i just felt like I should write that for you. I don't comment much but i always appreciate what you write about. it makes me feel like someone else out there knows what I go through with the trials and joys of kids.
ok rambling now better stop.

Annie said...

It is okay to be sad, if you weren't then i might be worried about you. I know how you feel..."I have to feel joy mixed with pain mixed with sadness mixed with jealousy mixed with guilt?!" i have not lost a baby but We have been trying for a year and three months. Now i know that to some that is not very long and that there are people out there that have struggled with infertility for much longer, i have family members and very close friends that are and have. but also in one day I found out that, combined on both sides of my family and my husbands family there will be a total of 9 new babies this year, so far and it is only January. while i am happy for them it makes my heart hurt. I am not trying to one up you by saying this, i just want you to know while it is hard and a struggle and something you would wish on your worst enemy, you are not alone. i have loved reading your blog, i love that are able to be so open and talk about it. it helps me to know that i am not the only one to have those feelings of jealousy, and sadness and pain and at the same time.

Randi said...

:( McKenna! I'm sorry. What you are feeling is natural and normal, I'm sure. You are going to be okay, everything is going to be okay. I love you.

Lali Johnson said...

It is ok to be sad. It is ok to grieve. It is OK to talk about it. I love you. I wish I was their to give you a hug. Call me if you need to talk. I'm here.

Lali Johnson said...

A friend of mine recently lost her 9 week old baby. She found comfort in these verses, and I thought I would share them with you:

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters?
Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

. . . .

On you will go though the weather be foul.
On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
. . . .


And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

(from Dr. Suess' OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO)

I love you McKenna!

Jobi Niu said...

aww.. McKenna.. I freakin miss you, it's ok to feel this way, I'm sure you will for awhile. That's how my Mom felt with all 4 of her misscarriages.. Remember my cousin that had cancer? Him and his wife just did invetro for the 3rd time and again, it didn't workout..it's really tough. Itls hard to see all these teenage pregnancies, or women that don't even want their kids huh? Love you girl..hang in there

Tara Contreras Batini said...

McKenna, I love you I love you I love you. Even now as I am preparing for a wonderful spirit to come to my home, I can't help but think of the baby I will not get to meet until I leave this earthy life. You are right about the waves. I still mourn for that child but I know....I am certain...I will see her someday. We will be reunited. This brings me comfort.

My thoughts are with you. Be sad when you need to be sad and rejoice when you can rejoice.
Tara

christiansen family said...

Oh my heavens, I had no clue. I had read one blog a while back that made me think you were pregnant, but I haven't been that good at following blogs lately. I am so sorry. You totally have the right to have bad days, heck that's what makes us appreciate the good days. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Good luck :)

Lauren and Tyson Fiala said...

I am so so sorry. I was behind on reading blogs since the holidays. I couldn't imagine how hard that must be, so YES, you are allowed to feel sad. I think it is healthy to feel sad. You have the best attitude. Just continue to move forward with faith and everything will work out. You are in our prayers.

The Lewis Family said...

I am sorry your heart is hurting right now. I thought we would be preggo now too, been trying since august, and are kind of in limbo as to if we are getting more ( steve's meds for his disease have the warning of causing sterility, and it might be the cause since with both of the others it took one try to get preggo )

So I don't know the heart ache of losing the baby, but I understand your empty arms :)

~C

Trish Griffee said...

I've told you how I feel. It is absolutely OK to be sad now and sad the day after you are holding a new little one in your arms. It is a loss. Don't let anyone make you feel like your feelings and emotions aren't valid.