Am I Ready??

I had a baby....got all motivated and lost a bunch of weight...made it through the holidays...started (another) a blog about it....

...and then quit. Again.

Luckily I've just fluctuated within a 5 pound range of my weight loss. I haven't gained it all back. But I have completely lost motivation. Almost every day for the last few weeks I've woken up and said to myself, "Today we're getting back on track!" And by that afternoon I've given up.

I have about a million excuses. And some of them are really good. Especially the one when I haven't had a good night's sleep in MONTHS. I'm sooooo tired!

But I'm getting tired of my own excuses. I'm getting tired of eating way too much pizza while watching the Biggest Loser and thinking about how great they are. I'm getting tired of waking up motivated just to disappoint myself the same day. And I'm really getting tired of the way I feel. Gross. Fat. Tired. Sluggish. Lazy. Ugly. Worthless. Hopeless.

So I took a small step today. A really small step, but a step still. I downloaded a book to my kindle and started reading.

Are You Ready!: To Take Charge, Lose Weight, Get in Shape, and Change Your Life Forever by Bob Harper. THE Bob Harper. He's going to be my personal trainer now. :)

All kidding aside, I looked through the descriptions of a lot of weight loss books this morning. I knew I needed something to get me off my butt, but I didn't know what. This particular book stood out to me not because it was from the tv show I love, but because the entire first 1/3 of the book focuses on your heart and mind.

That's what I'm missing. My heart and mind aren't in it right now. I know the stuff. I know I need to eat right and exercise. I even know a lot of great recipes and workouts. I know lots of tips and tricks and rules. But my heart and mind haven't been in it lately. And that needs to change.

Right now, the only thing holding me back is ME. I am too busy telling myself that I'm fat, ugly, lazy, unmotivated, etc. I'm too busy telling myself that I've failed at this a hundred times before and I'm just going to fail again. I'm too busy telling myself that maybe I'll be able to do it when Lucas is sleeping through the night, or I'm not nursing anymore, or the kids are out of the house a million years from now and I can focus on myself.

But I know that when those things happen I'll have a new set of excuses holding me back. So today I'm going to focus on reading this book and working through the emotional part of this process. And when I'm ready I'll take another step and clean out my fridge and pantry. I'll make a meal plan with healthy foods. I'll go to the grocery store. I'll force myself to go to sleep at a decent hour. I'll workout. When I'm really, really ready.

As for today, I'm going to keep reading. I'm going to focus on my heart and mind. I'm going to work on being ready. Really ready.