Monday, March 1, 2010

I miss him.

I should be 22 weeks tomorrow. I should be feeling my little boy move and kick and do somersaults in my belly. I should be rearranging Jack's room to make space for his new brother's things. I should be worrying about how I'm going to handle three instead of two. I should be moody and hormonal and crazy. I should be sharing all of my pregnancy experiences with all of my friends and family members who are pregnant right now. I should be picking out baby names. I should be getting bigger and rounder and wondering if my maternity clothes are really going to make it until July 6th. I should still have a stupid ticker on my sidebar, counting down the days. I should be reading stupid articles on Baby Center about fetal development. I should be freaking out over all the little things that could go wrong, but most likely won't. I should be driving the 3 hours to Utah to visit with my midwives every month. I should be pulling all of the old baby clothes and blankets and toys and such out of storage and washing them and getting them ready to use again. I should be shopping for a minivan or SUV to fit 3 car seats and looking for someone to take my Stratus. I should be placing my kids' hand on my belly hoping that they'll feel that little life inside wiggling around and helping them to comprehend how amazing this little spirit is. I should be sweating even though it's in the 30's outside. I should be getting the last few glimpses before my toes disappear for a few more months. I should have strangers randomly touching my belly inappropriately. I should be filled with so much joy knowing that in just a few short months I'll be holding that sweet newborn boy in my arms and smelling that yummy, replicable baby smell.

But I'm doing none of those things. And although I'm doing so much better and the pain has dulled and the waves come less frequently, I don't want to pretend that it still doesn't sting. That every other woman's pregnancy related news isn't just a swift kick in my gut. I still ache for a baby, my baby.

I worry as certain dates draw near. One week out was hard. One month out was harder. 20 weeks, knowing we'd be seeing our little guy in an ultrasound video/pictures was heartbreaking. Starting my period was wonderful and awful. At first it meant my body was getting back to normal and we'd be able to try again soon. And then the next moment it was a slap in the face, laughing at me and screaming that I was no longer pregnant. As if I had forgotten.

I realized today that it's March. Spring officially comes in just a few weeks. I am looking forward to Spring. The warmth, the new growth. But Spring promises Summer. A few months will go by so quickly! And suddenly it will be July 6th. And I won't be having a baby. Will I even be pregnant again at that point? Or will I still have this empty ache inside of me?

I don't feel this way most days. Most days I have too much else to focus on to let these thoughts surface. Most days I have a clear understanding of why this happened. I realize that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I realize that He knows better what I need. Obviously right now wasn't the right time for our little family to grow.

But today I just miss him and everything he meant to me. Today I'm just a little sad again.

19 comments:

Paityn and Mark said...

Love you

Denise said...

Big hugs. I understand.

Burgon Fam said...

You know how I love you... and how I hurt for you....there is nothing i could say that you havent already heard...but dont you forget it!

Erin and Family said...

love you mckenna. hear to talk anytime.

Lindsay said...

I dont know that I can say anything to make you feel better, but I know that you are one of the strongest women that I have ever met! I have learned in the last 3 years that loss and all the should be's that you are feeling and it still is hard. But I know the Lord has some amzing blessings in store for you and your family. Be strong and lean on the Lord and he will help you throught this hard time. That is what is so great about the atonement, it is not just for repentince, but for any challenge or pain that you can go through. If you give the Lord your pain he will heal you completly. I love you and hope you feel better soon.

Jason & Kelli West said...

McKenna, I love your honesty and how you wrote it all out. Hugs to you. I know its hard to hear, but there is a reason for everything. Maybe when you get pregnant again the Lord will give you twins :) and he is just giving you a little more time and preparation... I remember when Jason and i wanted to start trying awhile back and it never felt right. we were sad because we wanted to start our family but the Lord kept telling us to wait and hold off, it was a couple months later that I found out I had my skin cancer. And it was not until a year after that,that we got pregnant. I wonder why sometimes we have to experience certain things (I mean I know why, but it's still hard to go through them).You are strong even when you don't think you are. How is your weight loss going? Mine not so well, I seem to be gaining (another thing that I wonder why I have to go through-lol)! You are awesome!! sorry for the novel I just wrote you.

Lali Johnson said...

Love you McKenna!

r said...

Crying for/with you. I'm sorry it was a hard day.

Josh and Tiff said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I couldn't even imagine. Take some time for yourself and take all of the time you need to feel sad. It's completely normal. Hope things get better, I'm praying for you!

L@Craftaholics Anonymous said...

I'm thinking about ya.
Linda

The Larson Family said...

I'm sorry. Some days are so hard when you've lost someone. You're in my prayers.

The Brandt Clan Fam! said...

We love you and are praying for you. xoxo

Megan said...

I'm sorry. I love you!

Sara said...

Eesh, lady. Everytime I want to complain or I hear another pregnant lady complain, it's a swift kick in the gut for ME. I ache that you hurt.

Anonymous said...

So sorry, dear friend! I know how you feel. The emptiness is overwhelming sometimes - it feels like an echo to me, if that makes sense. Hugs to you! Can't wait till I can do it in person!

Shan

KasiaJ said...

I'm sorry.

Trish Griffee said...

I understand this pain. I still to this day think my little princess would be almost three today. or the other little guy would be nearly 2. It is just crazy. I know it sounds crazy and unless you've been through this you don't understand but we gave our baby a name. She was 13 weeks along when we lost her. 2 days into the second trimester. the other miscarriages I've had have not been as difficult and I also didn't feel the same spirit was there. But every time it hurts. I love you and hope you can get to the point where are you feel is happiness when you think of your little man.

Jobi Niu said...

SAd McKenna! I wish I could give you a big hug.. I miss you. Hang in there. Love ya girl..

Ashlee Salisbury said...

I know the pain I really do, my little dude would be 3 this march 24th, it does get easier but the pain and emptiness will never go away, .. I do know that my dude and your dude just needed a body and we were lucky enough to be there mother for a short amount of time, the lord chose You and Me to help get these babies a body, , he knew it wouldnt be easy on us but he knew we would be able to get through it with the love and help of our family and the savior himself.
and in the meantime until a new little spirit is brought into your home your getting your self mentaly, spiritualy,emotionaly and physically healthy.
keep your chin held up high you WILL be blessed with another little one..