Monday, March 29, 2010

Apparently, I'm broken. At least temporarily.

WARNING:
**Below I will include details about feminine stuff. If you don't want to hear about it, stop reading now!! Really, this is probably more than any of you ever want to know about me.**

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is me screaming in frustration. I just got home from a visit with the gynecologist. (This would be the reason for the above warning.) Here's the story from the beginning:

So in December I had a miscarriage. It was what they call a "missed miscarriage" (for those of you who don't know). That means that the baby had died, but my body continued as if everything were fine. The missed miscarriage was discovered at my appointment when no heartbeat could be found so they did an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks.

I was prescribed "cytotec" or "misoprostol". The pills is inserted vaginally and causes the cervix to soften and dilate. They also begin contractions. I was prescribed both 800 mg motrin and percocet for the pain. I "delivered" the baby on the toilet the next morning at 11 weeks and 4 days after essentially being in labor all night. I will admit that the image of my baby being flushed down the toilet still haunts me. I don't know that I would go the same route next time.

I had a follow up appointment at about a month after the miscarriage. They "checked me" to make sure that my uterus had gone back down and did an ultrasound to be sure there was no tissue left in my uterus. Everything was fine. They told me that we could try again as soon as we'd like, but that waiting for one period would help to date the pregnancy.

Initially we thought about not waiting. We figured that an ultrasound would eventually determine the due date anyway. But then we joined Aflac and decided to wait the 30 days required for the pregnancy to be covered. Besides, I was still healing emotionally. That extra time to wait almost came as a relief.

Mid February (the 12th, if you really want to know) I started my first period after the miscarriage. I had been told to expect my period within 4-6 weeks. I waited 56 days. Fifty-six LOOOOOOOOONG days. I literally thought I would go crazy those last two weeks, waiting every day. I was so relieved to finally start! I have never been so happy to have my period.

That period was slightly weird. I bled for two days and then stopped. It was so strange. I usually bleed for about 5-7 days. But I wasn't going to complain about a short period! And then after a day of literally NOTHING, I started again and continued with a normal period. At first I wondered if something was wrong, but I was assured that this happens sometimes after miscarriage and it was "normal".

We still decided we would wait to try again until I had one more period. I still needed the time. My period came just 3 days late. I figured that was normal because of everything my body had been through in the previous months. I was still hesitant to start trying again after this cycle. I was finally getting back on track with my health and I wasn't sure I was ready to address the emotions that would come with a new pregnancy. But we decided to pray about it and make our decision after I was done with my period.

That period began on March 16th. The first day was "normal". The next two days I bled through a "Super Plus" tampon every hour and cramped like I was in early labor. Literally. It was so painful that I would double over to try to ease it. Which didn't help much. I was ready to call the doctor after two days of this, but by the time I woke up the next day I wasn't bleeding so heavily and the cramps were back to just normal period cramps. So I didn't think about it.

Until Friday. When I realized that I hadn't. stopped. bleeding. It had been eleven days. I called my midwives' office and they asked lots of questions. After discussing it, they faxed a referral out here for me to get checked out. (I drive out to the midwives in Utah because the health care out here is frighteningly ridiculous. We only go here for minor procedures. If it's serious, we drive out to Utah.)

Anyway, I went this afternoon. The doctor did an ultrasound. He found a sac. He believes it is measuring 10-11 weeks. There is no baby. But there is a sac. It was very clear. Even I could see it without having it pointed out to me. I am also ovulating. I'm bleeding. My uterus is holding a sac. And I'm ovulating. Strange combination. He is not 100% sure if this is tissue left from the miscarriage in December or a new pregnancy that I am miscarrying. He feels it is more likely a new miscarriage.

He sent me for bloodwork. They're supposed to call me in the morning with the results. The hormone levels found in the results will prove whether it is old tissue or a new (non-viable) pregnancy. If it is leftover tissue, I will need a D&C. If it is a new pregnancy (I would have had to get pregnant IMMEDIATELY after the miscarriage; possible, but weird) he wants to give it a week and see if my body takes care of things on it's own. After that they'll do another ultrasound and more bloodwork. If everything is clean, then we're done. If not, again, a D&C would be the next move.

I don't know how to feel about all of this. In part, probably, because I'm still not sure what is going on. If it is a new pregnancy, I am not attached to the baby or pregnancy. It won't be as emotionally difficult that way as the miscarriage was in December. But it will worry me what's going on with my body. I don't like not knowing. And if it's tissue from December, I will be completely confused. And I will worry about the long term affects that might have on my body.
But either way, I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I thought I was done with all of this! I thought I was moving on! I thought I was healing mentally and physically and preparing myself for another spirit to join our family! What on earth is going on? And what is it I'm supposed to do? I'm just so confused and frustrated. I want to cry. But at the same time, I'm not even sure why I'm crying.

I worry that I won't have another baby for so long. And that breaks my heart. But the logical part of my brain says that's ridiculous. Other women have waited so much longer. And besides. I really don't even know if that will be the case. I worry that something may be wrong. I worry that there may be other affects. I really worry that I will only have two children in this lifetime. But isn't that such a selfish thing to worry about? I HAVE two beautiful children!! Others have one, or none, or have lost theirs to awful, awful things. Shouldn't I just be grateful for the things I have and stop stressing over all of this unknown?

Whether I give into the wonder and worry and what if's, or I allow logic to keep those thoughts at bay, I am still hurting. I still just wish none of this had ever happened. I still wish I had a baby inside of me. I still wish we were preparing for that little one to join us in June/July. I still wish I was talking to Jack about being a big brother and how to treat his new baby and talking to Payson about how she's such a wonderful big sister and thinking about how she is going to be such a big help when the baby comes. I still wish I was going to be falling in love with my husband all over again watching him rock his sweet new baby quietly in the middle of the night. I still ache. Oh dear. Here come the tears.

13 comments:

Lali Johnson said...

Oh McKenna...

I'm not gonna lie, I was reading it thinking, why hasn't she called me??? But I do understand that it can be so hard. The unknown is hard.

Let me know what happens. You could look on the bright side... if it was a new pregnancy, that should mean that hopefully it won't take you too long to get pregnant again.

Sorry, that may not be helpful.

Just know I love you.

Lali Johnson said...

Oh, and I told Trevor your story, hope you don't mind. But we were thinking, that dispite how much it would suck... maybe the best thing to do would be to have a D&C. You know, starting from scratch.

Jobi Niu said...

Awww.. McKenna!! I want to come give you a huge hug! I just love you so much. How annoying that you have to go through this.. No one should have to. You're such a good person, mom, wife. I'm curious to see what happens. Let me know. Love ya girl

Trish Griffee said...

I love you. you'll get through it.

Anonymous said...

I had a D&C. My first pregnancy I had the normal check up at 12 weeks to hear the heart beat I heard it, I felt the baby kick at 15 weeks I go in cause I am bleeding bad. There was no heart beat they say the baby was still the size of a 12 week baby. I died inside! I had to have a d&C. I was so scared.Its awful hearing the noise of the machines. But I made it. You will make it. It will be okay. They said it was a late miscarriage. They wanted to know if I wanted to know the sex if they could tell. That was the hardest thing, but I'm glad they couldn't tell. They didn't know!Oh and I was only 16.

Jason & Kelli West said...

McKenna, I am sorry you are going through all of this. I will keep you in my prayers. loves to you!!

Tara said...

McKenna- All I am going to say is that I love you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and cry with you. I love shared tears. So this is me sending you the warmth of my love and arms.
Tara

r said...

I can't even imagine. I'm sorry this already huge trial has gotten even more difficult and frustrating. It's so hard to reconcile the emotional and logical. Hang in there!

The Brandt Clan Fam! said...

Oh Sweetie! I'm so sorry you are under such strange, unknown stress. You are in our thoughts and prayers. We are anxiously awaiting an update.

linda said...

Oh my! I am so sorry that this nightmare is continuing for you!! You're in my thoughts and prayers girl. Please keep us updated.
Linda

Erin and Family said...

love you mckenna. wish i could give you big hugs. hopefully it will all be over soon. great job with the running. miss ya girl:).

Crystal said...

I am so sorry. All I can say is that it does get easier, not right away. I still find myself crying over the little girl we lost in July. It is a heartache that is unexplainable.(I don't even know if that's a word.)You never realize how precious these little people are until you have to lose one. I count my blessings that I have my two, because the loss that summer makes 3 for us. Hope all goes well and hope you recover quickly. D&C are bad but it could be worse.

Mandi said...

I'm behind on my blogs, sorry!! I LOVE YOU!!!