Apparently, I'm broken. At least temporarily.

WARNING:

**Below I will include details about feminine stuff. If you don't want to hear about it, stop reading now!! Really, this is probably more than any of you ever want to know about me.**

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is me screaming in frustration. I just got home from a visit with the gynecologist. (This would be the reason for the above warning.) Here's the story from the beginning:

So in December I had a miscarriage. It was what they call a "missed miscarriage" (for those of you who don't know). That means that the baby had died, but my body continued as if everything were fine. The missed miscarriage was discovered at my appointment when no heartbeat could be found so they did an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks.

I was prescribed "cytotec" or "misoprostol". The pills is inserted vaginally and causes the cervix to soften and dilate. They also begin contractions. I was prescribed both 800 mg motrin and percocet for the pain. I "delivered" the baby on the toilet the next morning at 11 weeks and 4 days after essentially being in labor all night. I will admit that the image of my baby being flushed down the toilet still haunts me. I don't know that I would go the same route next time.

I had a follow up appointment at about a month after the miscarriage. They "checked me" to make sure that my uterus had gone back down and did an ultrasound to be sure there was no tissue left in my uterus. Everything was fine. They told me that we could try again as soon as we'd like, but that waiting for one period would help to date the pregnancy.

Initially we thought about not waiting. We figured that an ultrasound would eventually determine the due date anyway. But then we joined Aflac and decided to wait the 30 days required for the pregnancy to be covered. Besides, I was still healing emotionally. That extra time to wait almost came as a relief.

Mid February (the 12th, if you really want to know) I started my first period after the miscarriage. I had been told to expect my period within 4-6 weeks. I waited 56 days. Fifty-six LOOOOOOOOONG days. I literally thought I would go crazy those last two weeks, waiting every day. I was so relieved to finally start! I have never been so happy to have my period.

That period was slightly weird. I bled for two days and then stopped. It was so strange. I usually bleed for about 5-7 days. But I wasn't going to complain about a short period! And then after a day of literally NOTHING, I started again and continued with a normal period. At first I wondered if something was wrong, but I was assured that this happens sometimes after miscarriage and it was "normal".

We still decided we would wait to try again until I had one more period. I still needed the time. My period came just 3 days late. I figured that was normal because of everything my body had been through in the previous months. I was still hesitant to start trying again after this cycle. I was finally getting back on track with my health and I wasn't sure I was ready to address the emotions that would come with a new pregnancy. But we decided to pray about it and make our decision after I was done with my period.

That period began on March 16th. The first day was "normal". The next two days I bled through a "Super Plus" tampon every hour and cramped like I was in early labor. Literally. It was so painful that I would double over to try to ease it. Which didn't help much. I was ready to call the doctor after two days of this, but by the time I woke up the next day I wasn't bleeding so heavily and the cramps were back to just normal period cramps. So I didn't think about it.

Until Friday. When I realized that I hadn't. stopped. bleeding. It had been eleven days. I called my midwives' office and they asked lots of questions. After discussing it, they faxed a referral out here for me to get checked out. (I drive out to the midwives in Utah because the health care out here is frighteningly ridiculous. We only go here for minor procedures. If it's serious, we drive out to Utah.)

Anyway, I went this afternoon. The doctor did an ultrasound. He found a sac. He believes it is measuring 10-11 weeks. There is no baby. But there is a sac. It was very clear. Even I could see it without having it pointed out to me. I am also ovulating. I'm bleeding. My uterus is holding a sac. And I'm ovulating. Strange combination. He is not 100% sure if this is tissue left from the miscarriage in December or a new pregnancy that I am miscarrying. He feels it is more likely a new miscarriage.

He sent me for bloodwork. They're supposed to call me in the morning with the results. The hormone levels found in the results will prove whether it is old tissue or a new (non-viable) pregnancy. If it is leftover tissue, I will need a D&C. If it is a new pregnancy (I would have had to get pregnant IMMEDIATELY after the miscarriage; possible, but weird) he wants to give it a week and see if my body takes care of things on it's own. After that they'll do another ultrasound and more bloodwork. If everything is clean, then we're done. If not, again, a D&C would be the next move.

I don't know how to feel about all of this. In part, probably, because I'm still not sure what is going on. If it is a new pregnancy, I am not attached to the baby or pregnancy. It won't be as emotionally difficult that way as the miscarriage was in December. But it will worry me what's going on with my body. I don't like not knowing. And if it's tissue from December, I will be completely confused. And I will worry about the long term affects that might have on my body.

But either way, I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I thought I was done with all of this! I thought I was moving on! I thought I was healing mentally and physically and preparing myself for another spirit to join our family! What on earth is going on? And what is it I'm supposed to do? I'm just so confused and frustrated. I want to cry. But at the same time, I'm not even sure why I'm crying.

I worry that I won't have another baby for so long. And that breaks my heart. But the logical part of my brain says that's ridiculous. Other women have waited so much longer. And besides. I really don't even know if that will be the case. I worry that something may be wrong. I worry that there may be other affects. I really worry that I will only have two children in this lifetime. But isn't that such a selfish thing to worry about? I HAVE two beautiful children!! Others have one, or none, or have lost theirs to awful, awful things. Shouldn't I just be grateful for the things I have and stop stressing over all of this unknown?

Whether I give into the wonder and worry and what if's, or I allow logic to keep those thoughts at bay, I am still hurting. I still just wish none of this had ever happened. I still wish I had a baby inside of me. I still wish we were preparing for that little one to join us in June/July. I still wish I was talking to Jack about being a big brother and how to treat his new baby and talking to Payson about how she's such a wonderful big sister and thinking about how she is going to be such a big help when the baby comes. I still wish I was going to be falling in love with my husband all over again watching him rock his sweet new baby quietly in the middle of the night. I still ache. Oh dear. Here come the tears.