Saturday, December 18, 2010


I have this funny thing with dates. I can't remember them a lot of the time. Ask me if I remember your birthday. I probably don't. But I remember all of my family members' birthdays perfectly. Even a few of my exes and my brother's ex girlfriend. :) Weird. I'll remember certain dates that are a year away, but if I have something specific coming up in a week and it's not on the calendar I won't remember it at all.

The reason I'm bringing this up at all is because I've got some other dates floating around in my head because of this last year. Lots of them. Mostly negative. And they're burned into my brain. I think about them almost daily. Which is really annoying. Especially since I feel like I've healed from our losses this last year really well. Of course I'm still sad, but I feel very much like I'm on the other side looking back most of the time. I can recall the extreme pain, but it's not so fresh like it used to be. So if I think I'm doing so great and feeling so normal, then why are these dates floating around so often??

I have this list. Our first loss was December 19th. That's tomorrow. I delivered my sweet baby boy at home. It was heart breaking. But that wasn't the only date associated with that heartbreak. We found out about our loss on the 16th. And the baby had actually stopped growing even earlier at 8 weeks 6 days. And then baby was due July 6th. Then our second loss was on July 25th. I was 7 weeks 1 day. Due March 12th. I remember all these not-so-random dates perfectly. Constantly.

So all of these dates float around in my head. I find myself marking my current pregnancy by them. Getting past 7 weeks and 1 day was the first hurdle. And it was a Sunday. Same day of the week as my second loss. It was so familiar. I woke up that morning dreaming about finding myself soaked in blood again. But we made it through the day. It was a relief. Getting past December 16th was another hurdle. And getting to today, 9 weeks, 1 day past 8 weeks 6 days, was another. Getting through tomorrow will be one more. December 19th, the one year anniversary of our first loss. Has it really been a year? An entire year of heartbreak?

And we have a few more dates coming up. I want to make it past 11 weeks and 4 days, when I lost our first. And past March 12th when our second should have been born. And July 6th again, when our first should have joined us. And then July 25th, when we lost our second.

Silly dates. Dates no one else in this world will remember. Not even my husband, really. Just me.

But the truth is, there is so much hope associated with other dates that wipe out all of these negative ones. Like July 23rd. The day this little one will hopefully heal our hearts and join our family. Like December 10th, the day we heard that beautiful heart beating away for the first time. And more importantly, like December 25th. Celebrating the birth of a Savior who lived and suffered and died to heal my broken heart. And April 6th. The celebration of His resurrection making it possible for me to live with ALL of my babies again some day. All six of my beautiful babies.

So maybe remembering all of these silly dates isn't so bad after all. Passing each one is a reminder that we have hope. Hope that this little one will be here soon enough. And a knowledge that my Savior has and will continue to heal my broken heart.


Hannah and Benjamin Aeby said...

I also had a doctors appointment on the 10th and thought about you and prayed for you all day. I am happy to hear that this pregnancy is going well so far. I will keep you in my prayers that this one blesses your home! Love you cousin! Your posts are so inspirational and I know that they help a lot of people who go through life's challenges. Thank you!

Brenda said...

I love you McKenna.

Anonymous said...

Hugs! :)

Natalie said...

Those are dates that stick with every mother - my third had heart defects and lived 15 days, but I remember the dates of her ultrasound, diagnosis, every weird seemingly insignificant date to anyone else is also burned in my brain. There are times when I get upset that my husband doesn't remember that 9-29 was our ultrasound, that 10-2 it was confirmed and 10-4 we were told how severe it was. But it's not the same for him, although he's the father he was also just a witness, he lived vicariously through my experiences, he didn't have to carry her around everywhere he went. You are right that every time you think of them it is a memory of your children and a reminder to hope for the next life, when we get to raise these beautiful children, who already had shown their faith, in a world free of sin, temptation, and pain. I truly hope the rest of your current pregnancy goes smoothly, and please know that people you have never met are thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.