Thursday, December 9, 2010

Getting Through Tonight

My ultrasound is tomorrow morning at 10. I will be 8 weeks on Saturday.

I have loved this little being for 2 months now. Maybe 8 weeks doesn't seem like a long time to some people. Especially when you consider there are still (hopefully) seven months to go.

But I have spent every single one of the last 31 days since we found out about this little one thinking about him/her, praying for him/her, worrying about him/her, planning for him/her, and loving him/her.

So maybe it hasn't been that long, but even just one day of that would have brought a connection between us that no one else has. I am giving this child so much of me. And I don't even mean physically, although there is a lot of that kind of giving too.

And so I am petrified. Nearly paralyzed with fear. I don't know what to do with myself. I have spent today either in tears, sleeping, zoning out trying not to think about it. (Except for a much needed 2 hour escape with a friend for lunch.)

All I can do is wonder. Will there be a beautiful little heartbeat on the screen along with that sweet little body? Will that precious baby be wiggling and reassuring its mama? Will there be innumerable tears of joy shed?

Or will this be like the last few times? Will there be silent clicking as the ultrasound technologist tries desperately to find that little flickering heartbeat? Will there simply be an "I'm sorry" in place of the "congratulations" we so desperately want to hear? Will I shed tears of sorrow and grief once again for my sweet unborn babies? Will I see glances of pathetic sympathy from everyone I pass as I leave the doctor's office?

I am trying so hard to have the faith I need to get through this! I am trying so hard to not let me fear be stronger than my faith. But my fear is so strong and so real and so fresh and raw. It is so hard!!!!

I can only pray for the strength to accept my Heavenly Father's will, whatever it may be. I can only ask Him to hold me as I wait and wonder.

I don't know if I have the faith to move mountains or to prevent miscarriages. But I know that I have faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. I know He loves me and wants only good things for me. I know He blesses me daily with little miracles. I know He has surrounded me with the most loving and amazing people He can to help me through whatever I'm facing.

And more than anything I have faith in the power of the atonement of His Son. I know that with that power I can face the scariest and hardest things in my life and I will be okay. It won't be easy. It will hurt. But I can get through it. Whether it's just the awful waiting tonight, another devastating loss, or anything else I face. I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, are here for me through every moment of it. And with them, I'll be okay.


Scott+Kimber+Ruby=Scimby said...

I'll be praying for ya and that sweet little baby! <3

Breeann said...

You are strong and you will get through tonight and tomorrow - no matter what it brings. You will be in my prayers tonight and I will be anxiously waiting for a post tomorrow. HUGS!!!!!!

Erin said...

i'm with breeann. you are strong. you will be in my prayers too. and i will also be anxiously waiting for a post tomorrow. love you tons mckenna!

Nic said...

I pray for you and your little baby - I also will be blog stalking you even more ;) waiting for the next post!

Liz said...

I am praying for you and your baby and for Jason.

Megan said...

Hope the news was good. And either way, we're all here for you and LOVE you! You've got such a great outlook and are so strong and spiritual...I truly admire you. Looking forward to your next blog post!