Friday, December 10, 2010

I spent all night last night either trying to distract myself with hulu or sobbing. I tried so hard to sleep, and finally crashed sometime after 5AM. Just in time to wake up a couple of hours later and get Payson ready for school (barely in time, since we slept in!) and Jack ready to go to a friend's house, let alone get myself ready.

We barely made it on time to our appointment. I kept telling Jason that the worst thing they could do was make me wait. I was already sick to my stomach. I had already convinced myself that this was going to be just like the last two. I was preparing myself for the news and was already grieving a loss in my mind. That may sound silly to some, but after the year we've had it felt like the best way to protect my previously broken to pieces heart.

They took us back to the exam room immediately and I was a little relieved to know that I wasn't going to wait. And then more than 30 minutes later the doctor came into the room.

Both Jason and I were pretty quiet the whole wait. I was just praying silently. Just for the Lord to be with me and to get me through what was coming.

The nurse and doctor both asked me how I was doing. I told them to ask me again when we were done.

I had mentioned to the nurse that all I wanted to do was see that little heart beating. She reminded me that sometimes "dates can be off and even if we don't see a heartbeat not to worry". As soon as she left the room I told Jason that I know I'm not a doctor, but my dates have always been perfect. I knew exactly how far along I was. For heaven's sake! I got a positive home pregnancy test before their fancy clinical test could tell! I know my body. If there was no heartbeat, I knew what it meant. She couldn't reassure me.

When they started the ultrasound I saw that sweet little blob on the screen. And nothing. No flicker. And my heart dropped.

(Sorry for the pictures taken of pictures. Jason's working nights and I can't seem to figure out much technology without him.)

And then for just a second, tiny movement right in the middle. I caught my breath and asked quietly, "Was that a heartbeat?!" And the tears came.

My doctor's WONDERFUL assistant unfortunately had a miscarriage shortly before my first one and has been there to talk to me and help me through this entire last year. She had the tissue handy and felt so much more like a friend in the room than medical staff. She passed me a tissue and gave me a loving pat and all I could do was stare at the screen and sob.

The baby was wiggling and it took a minute to get a clear shot of that flickering heartbeat again, but then there it was. And suddenly we could hear that little thump, thump, thump, pumping away at 171 beats per minute. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Yes, more beautiful than my other children's heartbeats. Because with them I didn't understand what a blessing that little beat is.

(See those beautiful waves at the bottom? Funny how something seemingly so simple, little white waves on a sheet of glossy paper, can bring so much happiness!)

And then there was something else on the screen. Another tiny little blob, hiding just below the first. See it down there?

(Not the greatest picture. But it was the only one we got with both.)

Turns out, baby was twins. Who knows why, but apparently only one survived. And I'm okay with that. Does that sound morbid? That I'm okay with losing a baby? But it was so small and so early and we didn't know and I just don't know that it really was a baby. And I'm just so overwhelmed with gratitude that I can't really feel anything else right now.

Baby was also measuring big. Just by a few days. I am 7 weeks, 6 days today. You can see (barely) on one of the pictures that baby measured 8 weeks 3 day, 8 weeks 4 days, and 8 weeks 1 day on a few different measurements. This was just icing on the cake. Since the numbers are so close, my doctor didn't change my due date. Still sticking with July 23rd ish. Although both kids came early. I'm hoping that if this one continues to grow this way and ultimately joins our family that he or she follows suit. I'm not very good at that last month of pregnancy! :)

I think I'm still in shock that things are still going well. I've been so sure that this was over so many times already. And to be honest, I'm still petrified that it won't last. Sure we've made it this far and things are going INCREDIBLY well. But we lost our first baby much later in the game. Exactly 8 weeks and 6 days. Although we didn't find out until much later. I hope making it through next week and passing 8 weeks, 6 days will be one more hurdle passed and one more sigh of relief.

Even then, I'm not sure when I'll feel comfortable and confidant again. Other women I know who have experienced pregnancy after loss have told me things seem to ease up around 20 weeks or so, but never really go away. I hope by then we're relaxing a bit more. And by "we" I mean "me". :) I hope feeling the baby move will be reassuring.

I wish I could share some of the more personal details of today with you all. Some are maybe a little too sacred to share publicly, but I can't believe the blessings our Heavenly Father pours out upon us when we simply ASK Him. He has blessed me so richly, even with my lack of faith and moments of complete weakness.

I found myself thinking about some of the lessons I've learned about faith and my relationship with both my Savior and my Father in Heaven this last year. I wondered if all the pain was worth those lessons. I don't know that I'm ready to say yes. But I know that I am so, so, so grateful for the lessons! And although I have SO much more to learn through this experience and in my life, I do have a better understanding of faith and trials and my Father's love for me. And I don't know that I could trade that.

I've posted much about my Father in Heaven lately. But I haven't acknowledged someone else who has been so important this last year. Another blessing from my Heavenly Father.

Jason has been there for me through my weakest, darkest, ugliest moments. He has lifted me, loved me, and pulled me through. He has supported me and put up with so much of my crazy. He has been the positive when all I felt was darkness. He has stayed worthy to give me priesthood blessings whenever I needed them. He has prayed with me and for me and has been the best partner throughout this last year that anyone could have asked for. There are times we have laughed and wondered how we ended up with each other. This year I have seen why my Father in Heaven gave him to me. He is a more incredible father and husband than I could have imagined for myself. I'm so grateful for him and everything he's done, big and small.

And just to brag a little extra for a minute, I'll tell you a few of the incredible things he's done. Like doing ALL of the laundry one week (on HIS week OFF) so that I could nap. (First trimesters are so draining! And I've been through 3 of them this last year!) He has shuffled kids to and from school and other appointments, done the dishes, cleaned, given me massages, put kids to bed just so I wouldn't have to. And this morning, after getting 4-5 hours of sleep yesterday and then working all night long, he stayed up to come support me at my appointment today. He then came home to get maybe 3 hours of sleep and then work all night again. He may not be out slaying dragons, but he is my knight in shining armor and I love him more and more every second I have with him.

Thank you all so many thousands of times for your prayers and support and love. For your emails and calls and texts and comments. They have seriously supported me through some super rough times. I have felt so much love. And when I felt like my faith wasn't strong enough I knew I could rely on yours. So thank you all for being my friend and for loving me and supporting me through all this drama. I love you all!!


One Giant Fall Forward said...

I am so HAPPY for you and your family! How wonderful!!!!


Steffani Dastrup said...

That is so wonderful McKenna. I know your pain and I hope to be able to know your joy soon as well. I miscarried about 2 months ago, and I can't even imagine going through it twice! I am amazed by you, and this post brought me to tears! Thank you for reminding me that a little faith can go a long way. I really needed to hear it right now.

Hilary said...

I've been thinking about you all day and I'm so happy that you got to see that little heart beating!

Scott+Kimber+Ruby=Scimby said...

I'm so excited! And your text today totally made me tear CLASS no less, good job! :)

aubrey said...

So happy, I have been thinking about you all day. Praying that everything continues to go PERFECTLY!

linda @ CraftaholicsAnonymous said...

CONGRATS!! We are SO happy for you guys! Will keep you in our prayers that all goes well.

Burgon Fam said...

OH McKenna....this brought such happy tears to my eyes...I am so happy for you and this just gives me something to hope for!

p.s. Sounds like a little girl heart beat in there!

Jill Revell said...

Wow...what a journey you have been on. More like a roller coaster! I'm so excited for you guys!

Nic said...

YAY!!! Congrats!

Brenda said...

I am so happy for you! We'll be keeping you in ours prayers, but I'm sure it will continue to go great!

Megan said...

Such wonderful news!

This is the story of a girl... said...

McKenna, that's WONDERFUL!!!!!
I love you. And will keep praying for this little baby to keep growing healthy and strong!

Anonymous said...

YAY! I'm glad your appointment went so well! I'll keep you in my prayers!

Trish Griffee said...

yay!!! I'm so happy for you. we have lost two much later in pregnancy. It is never easy and I never feel comfortable. Even this one at 30 weeks scares me every day. Life is precious and fleeting. Enjoy caring those babies no mater how long they are here!

The McKell Family said...

Congrats girl! I am happy for you! You deserve to be happy!