Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Due Date

Today is my due date. Well, would have been, I guess. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. On the one hand I'm still heart broken. I wish I were ending a pregnancy today and starting life with my baby! I want so badly to be doing all of those things you do when you have a newborn. I want to be waking up every few hours at night and falling in love with this little person over and over again instead of waking up with anxiety attacks multiple times a night. I want to spend my days cuddling and feeding and changing and sleeping.

But on the other hand, today I feel so much stronger than I was six months ago. I have learned so much, most of which took me until just recently to learn. A part of me wants to say that I'm grateful for what happened because of who it made me. I feel like I am a better person because of it. But the other part of me just can't say it; it feels too morbid to be grateful for the loss of my baby.

I don't know when or how the emotions will hit me today, but I know they'll come. And I'm okay with that. I've learned that in the midst of this trial I can find joy with my children and family and in my life. Hopefully I can focus on that today and be grateful, even for my trials.

7 comments:

Erin and Family said...

our trials do shape us into the people we are supposed to become. you can be grateful for the choices you have made and what you have learned. and be proud of yourself for being a stronger friend, sister, daughter, wife, and mother. love you tons mckenna.

linda @ CraftaholicsAnonymous said...

you seriously are amazing. what a tough trial.

thinking about you today.

Trish Griffee said...

Eventually you will be grateful for the loss. I am grateful for the oppertunity I will get later, for the timing I can now see and then couldn't, for what the Lord knew was coming next that wouldn't have handled a new born. There are reasons for these things and sometimes it takes years to see them in perspective. Love you!

Kristin said...

i miss you :) lots!

i am sorry your are hurting, you could have pulled some of that from my thoughts, it is great to learn and grow but the pains and hurts well they are real too. And i think one way to say it is to be grateful that you chose to move forward when you have a huge trial like losing your little guy and look at what you have done with it, but i don't think you have to be grateful for the situation that made you stronger :) i hope that makes sense.

You are a great mother and a wonderful person. Hug your kids extra tight today for me and i am sending you my own huge hug too!

r said...

What a bittersweet moment! You are an amazing person to be able to share your loss and pain with everyone. I'll be honest and say that having never gone through a miscarriage, I didn't think it would be a big deal. And then I read what you had to say. So, thank you for making me a more sensitive person.

vaneblu said...

our July babies will never be forgotten... I am glad that at least in all the sadness I found a great person like you!

womanoforangerinds8 said...

Yeah, anxiety attacks aren't the funnest things. Neither is giving birth to a baby in this heat—or so I would imagine. Just kidding. It was so good to see you at the reception thing. Soooo good. It's been a really long time since I've logged in to any of my blogs. I've sort of lost interest in a lot of things in life. Depression sucks. I feel for ya. But anyway, you looked really good when last I saw you. I miss being around the funny, sarcastic, bug-my-dad McKenna. You're such fun to watch being a mother. And Jason is so cute. I know he loves you. I'm glad you've got such a loving family and a good support system. It really does a lot for a person. Keep up the smiling and I look forward to seeing you again soon. You know, I always DID look up to you. I wanted you to know that.