First of all, thank you for all the love and support. Ruth, your comment is exactly how I felt before going through a miscarriage myself. I don't think I ever said anything to anyone going through a miscarriage that was terribly insensitive. But I definitely thought about how it couldn't possibly be that big of a deal. Or at least, it might be for a little while, but it must be something that was "gotten over" quickly.
I think part of this thinking comes from the fact that in the past no one talked about miscarriage. You didn't even mention that you were pregnant until at least 3 months, so if you lost your baby no one knew and you suffered secretly or just among close family.
But a quick emotional or physical recovery is generally NOT the case with miscarriage. It took me at least 4 full months to feel mostly back to normal emotionally after I lost the baby in December. And after that I still had some really hard days. There are so many crazy and conflicting emotions to deal with. And physically, it took an entire 6 months to feel "normal" again, what with the surgery and everything else. And then trying again after you feel you've healed emotionally and/or physically brings about a whole new world of crazy emotions to deal with. It's HARD.
More and more women seem to be announcing their pregnancies a little earlier, or at least talking about their miscarriages. Which I personally think it such an important thing! TALKING about what you're going through, whether with close friends, a support group, or even anyone who will listen, is SO healing. In general, there isn't much anyone can say to make it easier. It's just one of those things in life that you have to process between you and your own relationship with God. But putting your feelings to words can be the best thing in the world.
I have dreaded my impending due date since the day I found out I'd lost the baby. And now that it's over I feel this huge burden is lifted off my shoulders! I feel like I can breathe! I can remember the baby I lost, all the things I went through and experienced these last several months, and what I've learned and look forward. I can feel happiness and joy without this all-encompassing ache overwhelming everything.
Having a miscarriage changed who I am, and sometimes I didn't like the changes at all. But overall, I feel like I'm a more compassionate person, a better mother, and a little bit closer to my Heavenly Father because of it. And like a friend recently said to me, I don't have to be grateful for the pain I went through, but I can be grateful for those things. (Thanks Kristin. I love you!)
P.S. If you are interested, a good friend of mine from a miscarriage support group (Love ya, Vane!!) wrote a great article on miscarriage and how to deal with it or some tips if someone you know has had a miscarriage. She had a bunch of us from the group contribute and the article really says things perfectly.
7 comments:
thanks, I love you too!
I think it is so great that miscarriages are being talked about now. It's so very eye-opening. That was a very helpful article. Thanks for sharing :)
Thank you so much for this. It's really a terrific post and I think you're helping a lot of women. I have linked to it on my blog over at babble: http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2010/07/09/talking-about-miscarriage/
Thanks again,
Ceridwen Morris
Love you McKenna! Sorry for your loss and for your pain. Big hugs!!
As others have said, thank you for helping us have a better understanding of miscarriages and the emotions attached. I admire your strength and courage and pray for you! Love you McKenna!
Holy crap! I had no idea you were still having a hard time physically as well as emotionally 4 months after the fact. Wow! I didn't know that could happen. Of course I knew you were (and are) still mourning that loss now. Hard times really suck, don't they? I really have no advice to give you about how to deal with medical goodness, except to say that you should express your feelings to your loved ones and in your journal/blog as much as you can. That's always helped me. When I record things, I can then later see whether I've made progress, make new goals, and make the necessary changes or perspective in order to get there. Granted, I've always sucked at making personal goals...especially when my lovely sarcasm and pessimism get in the way. But I say...cry all you want...if you want. Big cries are sooo freakin' relieving sometimes. Woof. Was that a tangent?
Ha, we tell people when we are trying, let along when actually preggo. I believe that we don't know how each pregnancy will end. Miscarriage or live birth, but just in case a miscarriage is to occur, why would I only allow people in on the grief part? I think even if it was but a month of joy at the prospect of a little one, all should share that joy, and not just the end result grief.... if that makes sense :)
~C
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