Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I don't know what to title this post. I don't really even know what to write. I'm sure words will just flow, but they are not organized in my head like my posts sometimes are.

I don't know how to really express what I'm feeling and make anyone understand. And the truth is, even if I did, the only ones who would really get it are the ones who have been in my shoes.

I fear judgement. I don't know why. I usually don't care what others think of me. I just try to be me. But this part of me is the most vulnerable part of me that has ever existed. It is terrifying to put it out there for others to read and form opinions on.

I am pregnant. This is my third pregnancy in the last year. Less than a year, really. It wasn't exactly planned, but it wasn't really unplanned either. We thought we would wait a while still after our second loss in July. But things just didn't work out that way. I am now 6 1/2 weeks.

I have debated whether or not to share, who to share with, etc. We have never been secret keepers. But this news isn't the exciting kind like our first pregnancies were. We now know a new reality. Pregnancy does not equal baby. It should, but it doesn't always.

So it hasn't been easy to figure out how to tell someone. When they congratulate me and ask how I'm feeling I don't know quite what to say. I don't know how to express myself without sounding completely pessimistic. Because I'm not! I really, really am not! I just DON'T KNOW!! It's early. And I don't know if this will be like the last two or if third time's a charm. And no matter what anyone says, they don't know either.

So I've told a few close friends and family. People I know will understand me. And they really have. I've been able to talk openly about how I feel, positive or negative.

I had decided in my head that no matter what, I wasn't going to announce a pregnancy and a miscarriage on the same day again, like last time. That was horrible. And I don't want to do it. But I've wondered how and when I wanted the world to know.

I finally decided tonight. On Sunday I will be 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. July 25th of this year was also a Sunday. I was also 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. It's too familiar and there has been so much fear in my heart in that realization!

I need people to know. I need people to know that regardless of the outcome I love these babies. They are my babies! I am their mother. How could I not love them, even if only for a short time? I hope with everything I have that I will hold this one in my arms. But if I can't, I need the world to know that it hurts. I know I'll be okay, but it will be so, so hard! And facing that unknown is just so terrifying.

So far things are looking good. At least as far as we can tell. I knew immediately that I was pregnant. I was barely 3 weeks. Meaning that technically I'd only been pregnant for barely a week. I took a home test and it was surprisingly positive that early. I immediately called my doctor, as he'd advised me. They got me in a couple of hours later.

The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative. The lab tech apologized. I told her it was fine. I still knew I was pregnant. I have been through it five times. I know how it feels. So I asked her if we could do a blood test to confirm. She said they don't generally approve a blood test without a positive urine test. I asked her to check anyway. My doctor heard my name and immediately signed the referral.

Jason was confused by the results. He picked up a digital test (the first home test had been regular) and asked me to take one. It came back negative. I knew it would. It was early and I had been chugging water all day. We were testing water.

An hour later the blood test confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant. Betas were low. Only 14. Just proved that it was still early.

They ordered another draw a week later. That one came back 139. It was doubling every 1.2 days instead of every 48 hours, like it was supposed to. A good sign. But still too low for a sonogram to pick anything up. We needed to be at least at 1200.

So the doctor started me on hormone supplements and scheduled another draw a week later. This time we were hoping for at least 1200. We hit over 9,000. Someone said to me, "Either you're having triplets or that baby's on steroids!" I said I'd take what I could get but one steroid baby would be just fine.

My doctor won't be in the office much for the holidays so the sonogram isn't scheduled until the 10th. A week from Friday. I'm anxious, terrified, nervous, excited, fearful, hopeful, you name it I feel it. I just want to get there and to know. I want to see that heartbeat. I want confirmation.

But even then, I don't know if we will make it further. Anything can happen. And I suppose I'll feel that for quite a while, until we either lose the baby or I've gotten far enough along to ease some of my anxiety.

In the mean time please pray for us. Of course I'd love for you to pray for this sweet baby. Pray for it to grow and grow and grow!! But really, what I need is prayers for me. Prayers that I will be able to accept the Lord's will no matter what that is.


Nic said...

I love you McKenna! I will pray that your family will feel the Lords spirit in your home and that you will be comforted! I am also OF COURSE praying that your beautiful baby will grow very healthy and big ;) I am excited for you and although don't know what you have experienced I am amazed at your strength for sharing something so personal, so difficult, and so painful. You are such an amazing woman!!

Erin said...

oh mckenna. i love you. i will pray for you. thank you for being so honest.

Breeann said...

Oh, I wish I could hug you right now! First of all congratulations! I am glad you are sharing and putting yourself out there, it takes so much to do that.

I don't think anyone can truly understand what you are going through, not even your husband. As you know I have had my own issues and as bad as I struggle and hate what I am going through I cant imagine what you have gone through. I have always said that a miscarriage would break me (and I think the Lord knows that) and you have gone through two. What an amazingly strong person you must be! I truly believe that we are given only what we can handle even if we don't realize what we are capable of.

I can totally see how you can be living each day in fear and anxiety, I would be. The only advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time and when that is to hard, an hour, a minute or a second at a time. I don't know that it is of much comfort but I do know your babies will be waiting for you on the other side and some day you will get the chance to hold them and be the mother you are longing to be to them today.

My dear, my thoughts and prayers are with you and this baby. I need to e-mail you my number so we can talk! Hang in there and keep me updated!

Scott+Kimber+Ruby=Scimby said...

Of course I'll pray for you and hope for the very best! (Because you guys so deserve it.)

Hilary said...

I will definitely keep you in my prayers! And your baby too. Waiting is always so hard, but I hope you can have peace while you wait.

The Brandt Clan Fam! said...

McKenna and Jason-- oh how we love you! We don't know what you want to hear, but Congratulations! A baby is always something to celebrate. It's yours, and it's special. We will be praying for the both of you, as well as your precious little one. This year has been beyond difficult for many CLOSE sisters and friends of ours losing babies. It's been a year of loss, grief, joy, happiness, hope, etc. for so many. There are many who understand your sorrows, but only the Savior can truly comfort you. What a wonderful time of year to have a new life in you, and to rely on the strength and will of the Lord, while thinking about His birth. We love you so much! And even if you don't know what to say/think/feel about "Congratulations", CONGRATULATIONS, anyway! :)

Anonymous said...

I love you McKenna and am always praying for the Lord to give you strength. Good luck at your appointment and I can't wait to hear the results.

Hailey Thompson Graham said...

I still love you, McKenna! You're in my thoughts and prayers! <3

Tara said...

My dear friend, be faithful, cry when you need to cry, pull your children close when you need to pull your children close, pray, sing, wait....be happy. You have created a life out of love and that is something to celebrate.

I love you and am praying for you and your family.


Ashlee Salisbury said...

Im praying for you, I do know how you feel, and how anxiety can some times get the best of us, Ive walked in your shoes, I can honestly say once that baby is in your arms then you will feel less anxiety, but do know the lord loves you, and he knows your heart and your desires. stay positive and focus on the positive stuff.. Im rooting for you and for this baby to keep on growing..

Megan said...

I, like so many others, continue to keep you in my prayers. And I hope you can find and keep happiness throughout this pregnancy. Congratulations on getting pregnant and I pray that this little baby GROWS! Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there--you give strength to so many people going through so many different things. I love you and pray for your happiness!

Brenda said...

Mckenna I cried when I read this. Having been through a miscarriage I have a whole new understanding and compassion for you. I'll be keeping you in my prayers and keeping my fingers crossed.

r said...

McKenna, I'm praying and hoping that this third time is the charm. You are an outstanding person and mother. I can't begin to imagine the crazy mix of emotions you're going through right now. Thank you for sharing!

jessicaksteen said...

Keep the faith lady! I can't imagine being in your shoes and all I can think is that the Lord selected a very special few women that can endure the loss of a child and the troubles of conception. I'm there with you and I don't know why in Heaven we volunteered to be part of those few, but we did. Maybe we're crazy or maybe it's just becuase we love our kids and Heavenly Father's spirits so much, we'll go through hell to get them. Don't hesitate to call and I'll pray for you. I have a short book if you want to read it called "Gone too Soon" by an LDS doctor. Let me know if you want to read it. Keeping smiling girl!!!

vaneblu said...

You know that prayer are coming from our house to yours, and I pray everyday that the day I finally meet you and your family I get to meet 5 instead of 4!

One Giant Fall Forward said...

I have been going through my own trials... ones that not many friends and family can really relate too. I know what it means to just have people know and to know that they know. I know the comfort of having people just listen. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish that we didn't have to go through trials but I also know that they are necessary. You are such a great person McKenna! Thanks for being my friend.

Mandi said...

Love your honesty and openness. Your amazing!! I will be praying for you and your sweet baby that is growing. The lords will is hard to accept at times. You are strong and amazing. Love you!!